Looking to the left and then to the right. Running down hallways frantically looking for a way out of this roofed maze. Through one door and then through another. Sometimes there is nothing on the other side, sometimes there is just multiple other doors. One day you will find the entrance, but that day may come too late.

One light out of three is lit. The other two have been dark for what seems forever. They activate the parts of my mind that I haven't used since I lost my childhood, lost my innocence. When I was introduced to the world as it really is. These light are not just out, they are broken and beyond repair.

Today = Snowed-in. It has been snowing and snowing non-stop here. Thanks to the surfaces already being wet though, there is no snow on the ground. Not much has really happened today. I found out that Handsome Boy Modelling School have a new song and album coming out. The song is called World Gone Bad and it features Del The Funky Homosapien and Alex Kapranos. I'm quite excited. [I hope you are OK]

"it's everything i wish i didn't know, but you give me something, i can feel"

[6:38pm]

Saved by the hand of someone you never trusted. Do you give them thanks? Do you see in them a part you never saw before? Or do you continue on in your quest to destroy them completely?

Wherever you go the scenery is the same. Endless stretches of blue. But you can see blackness in the distance. That's what you're aiming for. Maybe it will be peaceful there.

Today = Begging. I am back in Bishop. I got £70 from my mum since I had no money of my own left. I missed a seminar today, and I did skip two yesterday. There's no point in going when I don't have what I need. As in the textbooks. But with the money I got, I might be able to change that. I feel so much better in this library back home. People have been saying things about Bishop. I don't understand why so many people hate the place. I mustn't have had as bad an experience as certain people. And living so close to the countryside helps too, I love Bishop. [I hope you are OK]

"i asked a question, you couldn't comment, a to b, forget the question, think nothing of it"

[6:31pm]

A trite conspiracy. Nothing can be done about what they want to do to us, just sit back and accept the punishments they deal out to us. We don't understand why they want to befriend us.

Flailing your limbs will achieve very little. The grasp is tightening and soon your air supply will be cut off. The last thing you see will be the eyes, those eyes that you've feared since the very beginning.

Today = Laying low. I went to my first two lectures today, and I'll be running to my next one soon. But I think the seminars will be skipped. It depends on how much I think I can learn from them, because at the minute I'm learning very little from my lectures and my seminars. University is looking more daunting by the day. I don't think this can last much longer. But it has to, I can't just leave. Much as I'd like to. [I hope you are OK]

"i can deal with all the blood on my shoes and the holes in my soles, my spirit is tainted all my tears are painted"

[12:53pm]

But what about walking down the street? It feels like you're floating rather than placing one foot in front of the other. No energy expenditure, just a slight feeling of breathlessness. How could something like this be? Thee is no explanation, but still we all search for one. Pointless exertions of energy.

An epigram to halt the nations. Something that can make everybody stop what they are doing and lay down their weapons. Untimely, but surely an answer can be found. We can't give up on the hope that one day we will all be free of these terrible things that we see.

Today = Into a routine. I hate every day being the same. Wake up, go to the library, go back home, watch DVDs, go to bed. I want something exciting to happen, and I know the only way I can achieve that is by making something happen. But I don't have the motivation to do so. I'll be going back home to Bishop on Thursday to get money from my parents. I'll make the most of being back in Bishop. Might record some more new songs. [I hope you are OK]

"walk the fields and we stare the ocean, roll the wheel but forget the notion, life was better before was smaller, the minds computer will fuck the world up"

[1:06pm]

It goes on and on, a neverending circle. If you don't believe, then don't comment. You have nothing to say, your words mean nothing. Astounded that you have any friends, such a petty thought. At the end of this day, you will be revealed to us all. We can never hold you as anything, but a person in the background.

Nothing at all can change the things we see. Our view can be blurred and images can be rearranged, but it will still be the same picture. When it's all gone, that is when we will all understand.

Today = Exposed. Well, the results from my first semester got sent back to Bishop. And my mum opens my mail. So now my parents know how crap I have actually been doing. But after a little persuasion, my parents have been calmed and my mum is trying to hunt down some books I need. I don't know how I managed to miss doing my update yesterday, I was on the net, I did everything else, I just forgot about this. So I'll be doing an extra update on Sunday again. I've got back into my writing mode again, so there are three new songs up. Go forth and trespass. [I hope you are OK]

"when i'm feeling lazy, it's probably because, i'm saving all my energy to pick up when you, move into my airspace, move into my airspace, something's coming over me, i see you in the doorway, i cannot control the part of me that swells up when you, move into my airspace, move into my airspace"

[12:55pm]

As if you know me, so impersonal. I have made mistakes, but everyone has. It's not hard to guess, some of the things I've done. Just walk away, I'm reloading my gun.

Night fell within the space of ten minutes. That seemed to me to be the scariest fact of all. We are controlled by time, controlled by the environment we live in. We don't rule each other, that isn't possible. Nobody has the power to stop anybody else. We are merely a species, nothing more.

Today = Relieved. My housemates weren't openly annoyed about my plans to move. They can talk about me all they want behind my back, I mean I won't hear it. And if I move, it's not like I have to see them again. I may have spent money I don't have spare today. But fortuanately, my parents are on hand to lend me a little money. It should keep me going, at least I'll have enough to go to the Bright Eyes gig. Although I'm still contemplating just sending the tickets to my friend and telling him to take a friend. We'll see. [I hope you are OK]

"the winning days are gone, because i know just where i'm seeing, was giving as i know, i can't hear, cause underneath there's gold, ill need to get around to find it, when i wanna go, i can dream, i've been trying, all my time"

[5:41pm]

Messages so far into the night, coming through loud and clear. Such a stereotypical view, it's hard to believe people like this still exist. Smashing the machines to pieces just to escape the words, the words that nobody can believe.

You look so confused. This is not a test, it's merely a selection of words designed to keep people reading. But one day maybe things won't be so clear. The people who wait for that day will not be disappointed.

Today = Moving on. I didn't go out last night, I just sat around and talked to my future housemates all night. Yes I am now moving after all. I was convinced finally because when I'm in my friend's house, time goes by so fast. I actually have fun there. I wouldn't just sit around bored there, there would always be someone around to talk to. So moving would be a good idea. Now I need my current housemates to find a replacement for me. I've already done my usual thing of making it seem like a small deal, and have said that I won't make any decisions until they have found a replacement for me. I mean, I could just move anyway, but I can't really do that. If there's no replacement, there's no move. [I hope you are OK]

"call me back when word is that she's gone, cat like thief she stole air from my lungs, leave me standing on this lonely grave, i dug it out in case she turns away"

[12:24pm]

Not all things that are written must make sense. There are more and more radical ways of writing emerging now. Stop trying to control the English language, it is a tool that has many functions not yet tried out or discovered. Experiments must be carried out, and new ways of utilising the language have to be found.

Burn it all, cinders. Ashes of things we used to own. ]understanding?[]happiness?[]confusion?[ fly awayyy to the new land. your wings have yet to be clippped, you can stil take flyt. have you been weighting for thiss?

Today = Advertising. For those of you who haven't yet, I suggest you check out my new page. I plan to add more to it next Monday, and hopefully every Monday thereafter. Maybe. I have some new lyrics to put up too, which I'll do tomorrow. I'm going out tonight. And on my shoestring budget, that's not easy. But I guess I could have nothing to drink and just pay the £1.50 to get into the union club. [I hope you are OK]

"i get on the train and i just stand about now that i don’t think of you, i keep falling over, i keep passing out, when i see a face like you"

[12:36pm]

He has such a flagging sense of responibility. Why should it be up to him to deal with this problem? He begins to walk away, but a hand grasps him firmly but not threateningly by his shoulder. Still he nearly jumps out of his skin. He is a nervous bubble ready to burst, and now he has a lot to do.

Snow that seems neverending cascades from the sky and paints the city white. Cars disgrace the scene by turning the soft flakes into muddy sludge, but travel to the fields and you will find fresh crisp snow, and you'll find it hard to be unmoved by the scene.

Today = Psyching myself up. I've got to get myself more awake before my lectures start. They bore me to tears usually, but today I'm really tired. Plus I'm going to get roasted by all my tutors asking where I've been for two weeks. Obviously I have an excuse, but it's not the best start to my attempt to pass this year. I really have to get myself into a working frame of mind, but I just don't think I have the capacity. I need to do something, I need to get organised! Get it together, get it together, get it together. [I hope you are OK]

"i just don't care about the evening news, i never listen to the crackhouse blues, i wanna be with what the people see, i wanna dance with emily"

[10:28am]

He opens his eyes, awake from dreamless sleep. He sees that his sheets are everywhere but over him. He knows this is the kind of day when one of his shirt buttons will come off, and the water from the bathroom taps will be too hot or too cold. And today will be the kind of day when he will walk purposefully down the street and then trip over walking past the bus stop queue. He sighs, sits up, then twists his body around so that his feet are on the floor. He has a cramp in his left leg.

The city looked like it was ready to evaporate into nothing. The rain seemed to be washing it away, like a freshly painted landscape having water poured on it from above. Sights like this cannot be bought.

Today = Wordy. After reading much Douglas Coupland (see Generation X, Microserfs, Girlfriend In A Coma, All Families Are Psychotic) I've been practising his style of writing. Describing things down to the detail without actually using any everyday images. He's a fantastic writer. I plan on reading some more of Generation X when I get back home, and I also plan on eating something. [I hope you are OK]

"if you leave, don't leave now, you always said we'd meet again somehow"

[12:20pm]

Thinking causes lapses of memory. Suddenly all that information you once held has melted away and all you can think of is the things around you. Shake your head, shake the memories back into place.

Already the last rays of sunlight are ebbing away. This will be the last time we see the light. Perpetual darkness, the end of the world. Expecting for the whole world to be sucked into a black hole any minute. The screams have already started.

Today = Uplifted. It's surprising how beautiful Sunderland can look when the sun is shining on it. It becomes easy to overlook the excessively high crime rate and dilapidated housing when the sun is out. Apart from that, nothing's happening. I've decided to live in the same house as I am now next year. I've started watching Noir again, and I'd forgotten how much I'd enjoyed it the first time. [I hope you are OK]

"in honesty, it's been a while, since we had reason left to smile, hello sunshine, come into my life"

[12:28pm]

I have a mindscape so constricted, I can't think of anything but failure and the looming of the future. What awaits me there, when I have nothing and nobody? Dropping endlessly towards an unknowable goal.

Thanks to the way things turned out, I'm now dying. Not in the literal sense, more like the metaphorical sense where we're all dying. How every day we die a little more. What about the people who have already died? They cannot die more, only in our memories. Do we punish ourselves for what happens to other people? Or are we more self-obsessed than that? People who have died do not need to be held on to. Flowers on the grave, solemn moment. Never again.

Today = Empty. One of those days where nothing seems to matter and there is nothing to do. I should have stayed in bed. I won't achieve anything today. [I hope you are OK]

"killed a man for his giro today, he wasn't very gay, i didn't mind, i was a money man anyway"

[1:14pm]

Just trying to think those things makes my mind go to places I'd rather it wasn't. I'd be better off never thinking at all, never thinking if I can help it.

Looking out of the hotel window. The landscape here looks like it belongs in a sci-fi movie. The desert in the distance looks cruel and uninviting, but that's where I'm headed anyway.

Today = Going through various stages of being hungover. Maybe I had too good a night last night. I only had one bottle of wine and a bit of another. I was totally out of my head. But I remember dancing, and eating an overpriced cheeseburger. And then after getting home, I discovered that out of my £14.20, I had £1.60 left. Ah well, the prices to pay for a good night! [I hope you are OK]

"i saved myself for someone somewhere's sweet caress, something goes wrong, and all i sought was happiness, and so, in right wing fashion, we'll nurture xenophobia"

[1:54pm]

Everyone wonders where time goes after it has passed. Does it flow down the drains? Does it join to the sea? Does it just disappear, never to be regained again? Looking into the past is looking into non-existence.

A slight change in the atmosphere can be detected. A pin drops. We all turn to look at where it landed and made such a terrible noise. This isn't the best start to the year.

Today = Ready. I'm going out tonight. I decided that since I came into a little money while I was back home that I may as well have one more decent night out. I am still feeling a little irritable though. It's all these people ripping apart Franz Ferdinand's live performances. They were excellent when I saw them. They were better than the band I actually went to see that night, Hot Hot Heat. The people who have been going against Franz are more musical than me though, so I guess they must be more right than I am. But I don't care, I love Franz. Forgot to mention yesterday that I have some new lyrics up. Trespassers will be abandoned. [I hope you are OK]

"are you hoping for a miracle, it's not enough"

[3:43pm]

This will be the day we all change. For the better or for the worse. Anticipation? Surprise? Shock? Horror?

Keep an eye out for the people who are not us. They will never fit in with our perfect regime. The world we want and the world they want are two very different things.

Today = Still irritable. I don't know, I'm still feeling like I could kill someone any minute. I'm all tensed up. Why I'm not sure. I think maybe a little sleep therapy is necessary. [I hope you are OK]

"i swear i never meant for this, don't look at me that way, it was an honest mistake"

[2:45pm]

It's the end of the world as we know it. So why don't I feel fine?

Under the hammer, under the knife. The real faces behind the repression regime are hard to see. They are not who we see on television and they are not who we think they are. We're in for a long search.

Today = Losing My Temper. I don't know, I just seem really irritable lately. People say one word that I feel is out of place or too far against my word and I'm just losing it. If I stay this way, I may lose people. But I guess I can't change my mood that easily. Watch yourselves. [I hope you are OK]

"i'm running from the city lights, i'm running from this empty life, i'm running out of time tonight, i'm screaming out for 'help! help!'"

[3:46am]

Sometimes it is right to covet the things that belong to others. When they have gained it through ill-means, or through misjudgement. Covet and steal. It will all be mine.

There are cracks in the pavement that I must avoid. If I put that foot wrong, I'll lose my balance and my mind. Let me concentrate on getting past the hardest parts.

Today = Celebrating. Well, most of the other winners at the Brits were acceptable. Franz Ferdinand, two awards. Scissor Sisters, three awards. Keane, two awards, both of which were stolen from either Franz or Muse. Green Day, no awards. Scissor Sisters stole all of them. Gwen Stefani, one award. And a surprising win too. Well, it was a good night, and I enjoyed it. Probably the best Brits so far. Even Robbie's win became slightly more acceptable when Matt Lucas and David Walliams presented the award. [I hope you are OK]

"i ain't got nothing to be scared of, i was born out of love, it's the only way to come into this world"

[5:40pm]

Undermining the true genius. The cheap rehash is the thing that always wins. Or even the totally different. Confusion and anger are part of the same emotion.

Every breath you breathe. I don't care about it. Every word you say. I don't care about that. Let me care about me for a change.

Today = Back. Well, I think I'm over the worst of my pain now. So I'm making a flying visit. I'm getting ready for the Brits. I already know that Robbie William's song "Angels" has been vited the best song of the last 25 years. This is still confusing me. So Robbie is better than Joy Division? Robbie is better than anything else since 1980? I am confused. Angry too. Confused and angry. And thinking that despite all the good acts that are performing there, the Brits is still not up to much. If all the other awards turn out moronic, I will be less than amused. [I hope you are OK]

"oh my god i can't believe it, i've never been this far away from home"

[6:17pm]

The mind can be strong, but the body can still be weak. Immune to words but not to the effects of the air. So think hard, it may be all we have left.

Years of searching and not one conclusion. I must be missing something, somewhere.

Today = Saying farewells. My doctor told me that I have mumps. Which means I shouldn't even technically be on the net now. But I had to come on to say my goodbyes. I may be gone for a week or even more. And I obviously can't return to uni until I'm clear. So no updates here, and no emails. I'm entrusting the site, or at least the guestbook, to my usual visitors for a while. Have fun. [I hope you are OK]

"if it all ended tonight, know that i wouldn't mind, back to the good old times, four in one"

[6:37pm]

It can only be bad news when someone like me gets hold of an idea like this. Nobody would escape the things I have to say, I would put everyone in their place. All I need to do is remember what it was I thought of.

Put a new twist on my words? But what about the mental copyrights that are being broken? Did I break them first? Who gave who permission to reiterate what I had already said? And who gave me permission to write here?

Today = Pain? Well, I didn't wake up in agony this morning. There is still a throbbing, but now it's something that's just an irritation rather than something that makes me want to bang my head on the wall and cry. Still, this seems to be something that can only be solved by seeing a doctor. Unfortuanately my doctor is back in Bishop, and I'm here in Sunderland. Fortuanately, I'm going home on Wednesday so I'll sewe him then if the pain is still lingering. Unfortuanately, that's three days away. But I'll live, I've managed so far. It's just I can't eat much since I can't open my mouth very wide. I haven't even been able to yawn for three days! OK, that's more than enough complaining for one day. [I hope you are OK]

"while you make pretty speeches, i'm being cut to shreds"

[1:52pm]

A house built to house my memories, it would need a large attic. The dust would gather over my failing mind, and leave me with the present. The past is being erased, the future doesn't exist.

But the lack of money is worrying. I can't afford these things I have bought, a bitter trail of broken hearts seemed like a bargain but cost me dearly.

Today = Still in constant agony. Second day of utter pain for me. I went to sleep with a slight pain, and woke up with unbelievable pain. It's calmed down a little now, but I don't think I can take it for another day. I wish I knew what it was that was wrong. It could be a wisdom tooth coming through, or maybe my ear is blocked further inside, I don't know. I just want it to stop. I wrote quite a few songs last night, but I've put some relatively old ones up in that damned usual place. [I hope you are OK]

"so this is how it feels to be lonely, this is how it feels to be small, this is how it feels when your word means nothing at all"

[12:50pm]

Through the dull aching, I can see a way out. But I have to clutch at my head, the pain is cutting through my feelings, leaving only raw emotion.

The next stage must be the loss of sight. Losing senses one by one as a punishment. But a punishment for what? What have I done that is so terrible?

Today = In constant agony. I've had very restless sleep. I got an earache at around 9 last night, which has, in the last 14 hours, become a pain down the whole left side of my face. And there is a definite headache starting too. There's no way I can stand much more of this, I feel awful. My eyes are slowly starting to blur too. I can handle emotional pain, but physical pain is where I draw the line. What the hell is wrong with me? [I hope you are OK]

"somebody told me, that you had a boyfriend, that looked like a girlfriend, that i had in february of last year"

[11:25am]

I'm busy, don't disturb me. I can't lose my concentration, stop hovering over my shoulder. No, I don't have any time. I need to finish!

Would it make any difference if I stayed in bed?

Today = Unceremonious. I missed a day of entry yesterday, mainly due to the fact that I was sat in the dark playing Silent Hill 2. I got pulled into it's web of horror and mind games again and didn't leave the house all day. I'll put an entry in on Sunday to make up for it. The Emma that was going to move into our house is no longer moving in. So we still have a spare room. Only the broken-hearted need apply. [I hope you are OK]

"another sunny day in californ-I-A"

[11:42am]

I'm watching that clock. I said I'd leave spot on the hour, and I have to do that. If I'm a second late I'll be tearing my hair out. What have I forgotten? Something, I know it. Rush around like a madman then finally leave just on time.

I just don't want to talk. I don't want to look at anyone. No, I don't want a hug. Just leave me alone. If I was any colder I'd freeze everything around me.

Today = Question mark. I don't know. Nothing's really happened. We have a new housemate all sorted out. We now have two Emmas living in our house. I sense some confusion in the air. [I hope you are OK]

"haligh, haligh, haligh, haligh, this weight is must be satisfied, you offer only one reply, you know not what you do"

[1:35pm]

So many people are trying to figure me out. Am I so much of a puzzle? I ponder this as I trudge down the street in this slight breeze. I certainly have a habit of confusing or upsetting people. All I do is write what it occurs to me to write. If you have a question, don't bother. None of this means anything to me, so why should it to anyone else?

I love to hear the thoughts of others. I love to talk to people and share opinions. I love having company. It fills me with hope when I see so many nice people around me.

Today = Revealing myself. It started on Saturday. The "stories" that are always above this "diary" entry are special this week. I am revealing all of the sides of "me" in them. I hope "you" won't all get "yourselves" confused between fantasy and "reality" this week as I delve into "my" deepest feelings and personalities. I also hope that "I" don't upset anyone. "Honesty" is the best "policy". [I hope you are OK]

"we're living in a repetition"

[2:23pm]

They can see me through the windows. People can see in as well as out. How to solve this problem? Time to board them up, board the house up.

I have to be honest with you, I don't want to know about it. I don't care, I don't care. All I want to know is whether you liked my latest song, or whether someone has something for me. Don't regale me with stories about yourself, I'm self-obsessed, I care not about your feelings. I don't care, I don't care.

Today = Anticipating. My parents are off out for the night and so I have the house and TV to myself. I like that freedom, I need to catch up on my out of touch musical perspectives. I did hear a great song today though. A band called Maximo Park and their song Apply Some Pressure. I suggest you try to hear it if you can. They are Newcastle's answer to The Futureheads and Franz Ferdinand. I finished the famed bottle of tequila last night. I had the last half. It really does make everything strange. And on that note, I'll let you know that I have four new songs up in that same old place, so Trespass if you wish. [I hope you are OK]

"i want to see you next year, i hope i am alive next year, i want to see you in that dress, i hope i live to see you undress"

[2:35pm]

Too many memories here for me to handle all at once. Just walking through the door has made my knees give way. I lie on the floor, staring at the ceiling. When I build up the energy to move again, might I see something I don't want to?

I would love to go back to the old house, but I never will. Tear it down, build something else there. But the ghosts of the past will never leave, you'll be stuck with them. No matter what happens here, it will still be number 42.

Today = Resting. After two days of alcohol fuelled tiredness, I decided to kick back with some normal tiredness today. I went out last night to free drinks and many songs on the jukebox. Unfortuanately, the songs on the jukebox weren't free. But I enjoyed selecting them and listening to them. Wish I'd saved the money though. I also discovered last night that my indie knowledge is better than I thought. [I hope you are OK]

"i really don't care and i really don't care"

[6:51pm]

Welcome to the future. Every second that passes you must be welcomed into the new age. But in the long run, nothing changes. When we're all gone, what will we have changed?

There's no stopping this now. It's on a hill, it has wheels and the handbrake is broken. Imagine that, something that will never stop moving. Even the perfect design seems flawed when you take a closer look.

Today = Twenty. I can't help but feel left out since my birthday falls on a much more important day. Holocaust Memorial Day. Remembering all those who lost their lives in the Holocaust. So obviously this takes precedence over my personal celebration, but that won't stop me having a drink or two. I've done not much today, same as other days. Except today I got lots of money. [I hope you are OK]

"all this talk of getting old, it's getting me down my lord, like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown"

[6:39pm]

It's drawing closer with each second that passes. Everything can be blocked out if you try hard enough. Even I can forget all of my painful memories if I drink for long enough.

I'm holding it all in. Look at me about to explode over here in the corner. Yet you still talk about me as if I'm not there. If you could be in my shoes for one day, I'd like to see you hold your own against all of this.

Today = Getting into the party spirit. Yeah, it's my 20th tomorrow, but I'm having my drink tonight. I have tequila and I've already had some alcopops. But they were just a warmup. I'll let you know how the festivities went tomorrow. Another note for Mr. Invisible: I don't smoke or do any drugs, I only drink now and again. [I hope you are OK]

"did you expect it all to stop, at the wave of your hand, like the sun's just gonna drop, if it's night you demand"

[5:43pm]

You can't avoid the roles you've been assigned to. Believe it or not, you have your purposes, and in these purposes you must excel or collapse. Nowadays many people seem to choose to collapse, which confuses me as it isn't very hard to follow some simple rules.

Throw it all away. I want nothing more of the memories. Clear out the boxes, full of my past. A past I want to forget. If I can start afresh, maybe life won't seem so hard. Unless the hole starts being dug again.

Today = Spaced. I've been hovering around like something otherwordly today. I woke up at 11am, walked the dog, did my parents a few favours, then got back home and watched some anime. Then I listened to The Wall yet again, then fell asleep, then stayed asleep, then woke back up. And that's it. Do you ever get the feeling that I'm wasting my life? Last night me and my dad watched a movie that seemed pretty awful when we read the write-up, but it turned out to be OK. I can't remember it's name now, I think it was called Threshold. It was about alien insects turning people into giant insects. Told you it sounded awful, but it was quite entertaining. It stole ideas from too many other films to be really good though. But despite that, it was an enjoyable cliché-fest. [I hope you are OK]

"there's a song stuck in my head, and i can't help singing it, oh how i hope my singing pleases you, cause i am not who i become, but what you made me into"

[6:45pm]

I've been awake all day. My eyes are heavy and I am worn down. Never again, not as long as I live. Never again if I can help it.

Such a confident stride. That was the way I walked once. Nothing could stop me. But then the ways of the world got to me and I began to walk with my head down and my feet dragged along the ground. This is how I became one of the crowd.

Today = Upset. Funerals. Something I don't want to discuss, other than to say that I cried my eyes out and hope everyone stays alive and OK for as long as possible. I've got two more volumes of Azumanga Daioh (volumes 2 and 3) to keep my spirits up though. [I hope you are OK]

"sing like no-one's listening"

[6:51pm]

Throwing away your logistics on something that is not true. Placing all your beliefs into a system that cannot be accepted. You cannot keep your faith locked in here, it will cost you more than you are worth.

No matter what I do or where I go, there are people asking how I am, and how there are simple solutions to cure my depression. They never even ask how I am, what my views are or what things I like. They judge me. A book without a cover is what I am to people.

Today = Thoughtful. Well those of you who come here and visit my guestbook will know of people who post. And the posts of one Mr. Invisible have been getting me thinking. So here is an entry dedicated to him. I thank you for your concern, but you're just another face who has said the same things to me as so many other people. Just because I write thoughtful things, often depressive, does not mean I am this way. But in saying this, I am not saying I am faking depression. Every person does have down days and up days, and I must admit my down moments outnumber my up moments. But still I lead what I would call a healthy and fun life. I have my hobbies, my ambitions, my fears and my thoughts just like every other person. I certainly hope, Mr. Invisible, that you will keep visiting and keep leaving your own thoughtful comments and enjoy mine. Thanks for the interest you have shown. [I hope you are OK]

"i want the toys of other boys, i want a knife and a gun and things"

[1:53pm]

Sympathetic ears and lying mouths. The world is full of things that we wish weren't there. We can't do anything to change the system, we can't fight back. The big guns will win every time. Just find your place, sit in it and keep quiet.

The spirit of going on with no aim is strong in us all. Achieve your goals, smile for the camera, love and be loved, hide in the shadows, retreat into yourself, become someone unseen. All this just by achieving your ambitions.

Today = Bleary Part II. Wine doesn't do my mental faculties any good. If I stare at one thing for too long, my head hurts. If I dart my gaze around too quickly, my head hurts. If I keep my eyes closed, my head hurts. There seems to be no solution to my predicament other than ripping my eyes out. But that's a thing I don't want to do. I like being able to see. So I guess I'll just have to live with the pain a bit longer. Onto other things, I'm going back home today. Again. Seems pointless to just sit aorund here when I have no lectures. If you see me on the bus home, give me a wave. [I hope you are OK]

"good morning mr. magpie, how are we today, they've stolen all my magic, and took my melody"

[1:07pm]

Trying to know when to look up and when to look down. When to look someone in the eye and when to look at the ground. When to smile in their direction and when to frown.

All of this sometimes seems like a task not worth doing. Unwittingly leaving without a word's notice. Never telling anyone where I was going or what I was going to do. They wouldn't understand anyway.

Today = Bleary. Parties seem to have a certain effect on people. An effect not unlike having your brains smashed out with a lemon wrapped aorund a large gold brick. So I am a bit wobbly and a bit bleary today, but my brain is in full working order. Or at least as much as it could be. It's still a bit dusty, but there's not much I can do about that. Lately a lot of my dreams have been scarily prophetic. In their own small ways. [I hope you are OK]

"working on the record seems pointless now, when the world ends, who's gonna hear it?"

[3:35pm]

Every time you look out the window, more of the sky has been eaten away. This can only go on for so long before you cannot grasp onto anything at all. Perhaps people are petty, perhaps people can change. Perhaps people should not even be here.

Liking to look how I please and do what I please. It's what society forbids. I step out into the rapidly declining world and try to find something real, something that isn't fabricated. But that is a task that is futile.

Today = Boiling. The library heating must be up on full again, I'm burning up in here. I bought stuff today using my coveted money off at HMV vouchers. I bought anime, music and Stopit and Tidyup. Ah yes, times are good. Now if only there wasn't a plumber back at our house in my room fixing the boiler. I get no peace. [I hope you are OK]

"i never knew her name, i only knew her fame, she lived near my town, another goldfish to drown"

[2:24pm]

Deadlines have fallen upon me and to meet them is to meet the end. I wish I had lived differently, then maybe this wouldn't even be my finale.

Tried his best. Yes he did. Always smiling at strangers, always quiet, never causing an argument. How come he ended up like that? Being ignored, being followed, being worried about, being watched? Nobody knows. Some people say he went crazy.

Today = Relieved. I got my essay handed in and now my library account is back in full working order. So I take a breath of fresh air and sigh in relief. I have no real plans for the rest of the day, but last night I wrote four new songs. Guess they'd been hidden away somewhere in the back of my mind. So they are posted [in the usual place] for you all to take a look at. I'm going to retreat home and nap now. [I hope you are OK]

"with a second chance, i'd mess it up again, but i'd do it worse than before, cos i've learned so much more"

[2:02pm]

I refuse to apologise or pamper your feelings. I hurt you, you hurt me, guess who's turn it is?

Being the person I always hated. This person I've managed to avoid being for so long. Now there is simply no avoiding it, I must become who I don't want to be. Stand back and prepare for a rough ride.

Today = Fuming. Sunderland university's Murray library is being useless today. My library card won't let me do anything. So as soon as I'm done here, I'm going to go have a rant at the help desk. They said they'd fixed my card on Saturday, but evidently not. In other news, nothing has happened. [I hope you are OK]

"let the blue hour come, for everyone"

[2:18pm]

I'd love to keep you happy by saying that once I did love you, but there is such a thing as falsehood. I loved her all along, I wish you hadn't turned up.

Losing my grip, losing myself, losing everything. I really have gone over this time. Too far gone to ever return.

Today = Partied out. I went to the indie club in Sunderland last night and danced myself stupid. I am still tired and aching. Before that, I went to see Team America, and I must say that it is a damn funny movie. I'm making this entry to make up for the lack of one yesterday. It would be longer and more interesting, but I just don't have the energy. [I hope you are OK]

"hold on to loneliness, instead of a heart, instead of a turning point, instead of an empty space, why oh you."

[3:13pm]

Throwing away my feelings on something useless. What can I use my mind for if it is not there for emotion? I'll raise my wall up now, with no doors and no windows. You won't be able to see me. You won't be able to climb over.

Losing my grip on reality, stability, sensibility. My happiness was something I cherished once. Now it's locked away in that dusty box. I lost the key.

Today = My great aunt Mary died today. One of my favourite relatives. And what do I do? Carry on as if nothing has happened. No tears, no sad faces, nothing. Just normal. Where have my emotions gone? When did I lose them? How did I lose them? Who did I give them to for safekeeping? You've seen me happy, no. You've seen me faking happiness yes. Ah well, things can't be all that bad. I did get a large chunk of an essay done today and sorted a few things out. Tonight I'll be sleeping. And eating, if I can be bothered to buy some food. [I hope you are OK]

"but that was just a fantasy, the wall was too high as you can see, no matter how he tried he could not break free, and the worms ate into his brain"

[12:25pm]

Untimely, uncalled for. Not the beginning we hoped for and prayed for. Something has snapped inside and now there is no turning back. Run, and save yourself.

I sail with no aims and no direction. Anything to get away from here. Leaving all my memories behind and facing the open water and the sunset. At least this way there will be no more worry.

Today = Tired yet hyper. Here I am, back in Sunderland. Ready to start a new term of uni. Well, that doesn't start until Monday.I'm just back early to tie up a few loose ends. Like money-related things and essay-related things. Apart from that, I'm free until Monday. I'm going to spend the night listening to music and napping. I am very tired after dragging so much stuff back here with me. And I have to go back to Bishop on Sunday to pick up my shedload of food. Luckily I have a driver for that. Now I am going back to my uni home. To sleep and dream of better times. [I hope you are OK]

"there's kids playing guns in the street, and one pointed his tree branch at me, so i put my hands up, say enough is enough, if you walk away i'll walk away, and then he shot me dead"

[4:05pm]

I am certain of this much. You no longer care what happens to me. But why do you keep pretending that you do? You'd rather talk to everyone else but me. I can live knowing this, it's no big deal. It's better to be ignored than followed.

Too much in too little a time. Should have paced things out. Should have calmed down. Shouldn't have taken it personally. Blurry, the streets pass me by. I'm not walking, I'm floating.

Today = Regretful. It turns out that the Stella I drank yesterday was in fact off. I opened the keg on Christmas Day and it was meant to have been drunk within three days. So I was actually ill and drunk. Never a good mixture at all. It hurt. Today I haven't done anything much. But tonight I am going out. To rock out. [I hope you are OK]

"well, i awoke in relief, my sheets and tubes were all tangled weak from whiskey and pills, in a chicago hospital, and my father was there, in a chair, by the window, staring so far away, i tried talking, just whispered, "...so sorry...so selfish..." he stopped me and said, "child i love you regardless and there is nothing you could do that would ever change this, i'm not angry, it happens, but you just can't do it again."

[6:36pm]

My mind and muscles may be weak, but I can still write scathing words. Just what is it you want from me? I've drained my glass three times today and I still can't figure out what it is you want.

I don't want to speak.

Today = Drunk. Yes, I am definitely inebriated. Three pints of Stella and one down the drain. I couldn't face it, I think it was making me ill. I'm trying my best to focus on the keyboard and not make any mistakes, but I may still make one or two. I have done pretty much nothing but drink and procrastinate today. [I hope you are OK]

"scream my lungs out to try and get to you, you are my only one"

[6:28pm]

I think it would be better if we never talked again. You're doing a good job of that already. All I wanted was a few small words, a few smiles, a little bit of attention. I don't seek, I find. Never mind what you believed and what you though, this is now about me. For the first time I actually feel bad about somebody else's feelings. Won't you love me? That's obviously too much to ask of anyone.

People don't amuse me. I am only amused by small occurences. Don't try to amuse me. I am only amused by small occurences. Nothing amuses me. Not even these small occurences. Erect a smile upon my face, but it can only ever be a small extension to an eyesore. We need much more renovation to make this abode somewhere someone can settle down in.

Today = So pessimistic. Don't ask me why, but I'm having a down day. Mind you, The Wall can do that to you. I am also tired and I shouldn't be, so that isn't making me feel any better. I feel like I'm rushed off my feet when I have nothing to be rushing around at. As soon as I get home I'll have nothing whatsoever to do. Maybe someone is making me tired, rushed and miserable. Who? [I hope you are OK]

"i don't need no arms around me, and i don't need no drugs to calm me"

[6:39pm]

It's raining again. We've gotten used to this. Sometimes it seems perpetual, but we do have short escapes from the downpours. This red rain.

Hiding out in my mind again. A good place to get lost and never found. The further back I retreat, the more likely it is I can never be saved or brought back. Hello, is there anybody in there?

Today = Doing even less than usual. I only woke up an hour ago. I am reading Mrs Dalloway at long last though. Good idea considering I have to write an essay on it by sometime next week. It is a really good book though, I love Woolf's style of writing. Which totally goes against my viewpoint from about two months ago, but I have actually read some of the book this time. [I hope you are OK]

"any asshole can open up a museum, put all of the things he loves on display, so everyone could see them, the house, a car, a thoughtful wife, ordinary moments in his ordinary life, but if she breaks a smile, she'll give you away, 'cause no one wants to pay to see your happiness, no-one wants to pay to see your day to day, and i'm not buying it either, but i'll try selling it anyway."

[2:26pm]

You were my only one, they were my only thoughts. Crushed under an excessive weight, trapped under all that metal. It was more than a tragedy, it was a life-changing experience. Never ever take anyone for granted. Flowers on the cold slab of concrete, tears in the rain.

Goodbye. Feeling so degenerate, bleeding from the heart and telling people first hand why love is a waste of time. Then turn pessimism around on the critical, make them fall to their knees for a change. Feel like being different. But you know you can't escape the humdrum pull of everyday society. Best strap yourself in and grin and bear it.

Today = Tired and such. I've said it before and I'll say it again; staying up all night really does me no favours. But I can never help it when I'm given the chance to stay awake and watch The Matrix and mess about on the internet. I can see where the rest of my life is heading here. Anyway, I'll soon be saying goodbye to a few friends who were back in Bishop as they head back to their respective universities. I'll be on my own for much of next week, until I return to Sunderland on probably the Thursday. To actually do some work. [I hope you are OK]

"it's just the thought of you in love with someone else, it breaks my heart to see you hiding from yourself"

[3:32pm]

Out of the frying pan into the fire. The flames. The eternal horror of searing flesh. We are all cast down, we are all forever damned. How could there be any other way?

Echo yourself. Repeat words to yourself to make them clear. But no matter how hard you try, your secrets will always be revealed. Do not try to hide anything.

Today = Full-blown. My cold is coming through strong now, I fell asleep watching TV and didn't really do much else. I've been coughing a lot as well. Apart from that, nothing doing. [I hope you are OK]

"you got us into this, so get us out of this, get us out of this"

[11:12pm]

So what am I? A bundle of emotions or another face in the crowd? Am I someone that everyone could love, or no-one? Do people judge me on sight, and never give me a chance? What would I like people to think of me? I wish I could answer them all.

Broken beyond all belief. It smashed on the floor, leaving nothing but traces of fine china. Now the blood trickles along the bottom of my foot as the white glass sinks into it. Isn't it strange how the strangest things bring back distant memories and floods and floods of tears?

Today = Accomplished. I got a lot done today. I copied my latest two tapes a few times, and got two copies sent off to one person. And I didn't do much else, but I feel like I've done so much work today. I am going out for a drink tonight. Where I can mill around in a pub watching people slowly get drunk while I just mourn for them all. Not that I'm any better than them, so I'll mourn for myself as well. [I hope you are OK]

"oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place"

[6:45pm]

I do it all to please you, to keep you entertained, to keep you coming back. What if I stopped? Who would notice? In the long run, everyone would forget. A memory faded onto stone, gone forever. Nothing but a hole in the ground then nothing.

Bleak. The way the weather seems on a foggy morning. But it is hauntingly beautiful. Walking through this foggy morning, walking through pure moisture in the air. Dampening my face and walking by the river. Bleak.

Today = Sick. My body is being annoying. My eyes are aching and my stomach isn't holding much food. I think the flu has caught up with me. So as I infect even more people by sitting in this library, I suppose I could be seen as doing a public service. Keeping the population down or at least indoors for a while, very handy. In other news, I, Robot is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. There are some very stupid plot developments, but apart from that it was OK. [I hope you are OK]

"we can't ignore the disaster, it's difficult to spot, the speed of your reaction, was to slow to make a difference"

[6:24pm]

One number has changed, so everything has stayed the same. We were expecting something different, something new. But we get the same.

Sorry if we broke your concentration.

Today = Contemplating a new year. I'm quite daunted by the fact. A whole new year, just when I was getting used to it being 04. It will be interesting to see what comes of this year though. Could be good, could be bad. [I hope you are OK]

"mother will she tear your little boy apart, mother will she break my heart?"

[7:22pm]

There are soothing melodies there. There is an escape from everyday mundane life there. There are so many smiling faces there. But this does not mean that there will be happiness and serenity there.

Thank all the little people who make things possible. The only credit they ever receive is those few words, and nothing else. Look down, look around, you still won't find them. They are the smallest cracks in the pavement.

Today = Swamped with post. I and my family received a Christmas card from a very sweet person today. I got my copy of Is There Anybody Out There? The Wall Live. It is amazing. I also got my Radiohead TV DVD... which I have yet to watch. I bought Destruction Derby in a moment of nostalgia along with the first Burnout game. So in other words, I have a lot to keep me and my friends occupied tonight at my New Year party. Which is why I'll be going home now. Got to get ready for arrivals. Have yourselves a good New Year. [I hope you are OK]

"i have grown older, and you have grown colder, and nothing is very much fun, anymore, and i can feel, one of all my turns coming on, i feel, cold as a razor blade, tight as a tourniquet, dry as a funeral drum"

[1:28pm]

Line up all the liars, their true feelings are going to be on show tonight. Rack them up and shoot them down. They aren't worth anything to anybody. Give them time and throw away the key. They cause pain and heartbreak and are breaking up the happy home.

Listening to the shows that only you want to hear. Selective listening, selective breeding. Nothing left that is our own, all of our space has been bought up and shipped off to another country. We do not have the power to control anything anymore. It's time for a rethink.

Today = Awake too early. I woke up ill after my night out last night. But at least I know I had a good time! I was out of bed by 8am and watching The Wall again. Such a good movie, so thought provoking. I wish I could write as good as Roger Waters. Anyway, away from my childish delusions, I made lots of copies of my third, fourth, fifth and sixth "albums" today and they will be being sent out to various people starting from next year. Tonight I may get drunk to pass the time, or I might just go to bed and dream. [I hope you are OK]

"your time has come, your second skin, the cost so high, the gain so low, walk through the valley, the written word is a lie"

[6:33pm]

The flight of the lost souls. It will strip us bare of feelings as we gaze upon it. One day we will fly too.

Losing the things that seemed right at the time. But since they rotted, they gained momentum and started to make things impossible. A huge manifestation of all my fears. Haunting.

Today = Zoom. I've got to get off the library computer now. But I'll tell you that today I did not much at all. So there you go, an uninteresting day. [I hope you are OK]

"when i take off my make up i look old and defeated, i'm not so dangerous, cry into my christmas cake, staring holes into me all night, you should just give up, cause our love's become selling secrets, to the russians they don't need, the cold war is on between you and me"

[6:54pm]

The prickly sensation you get when you discover something that the mere thought of has chilled you to the bone. We must all be crazy, locked in the attics of those who wish to keep us from the light. We'll never see anything but what they want us to. Shields, shields, shields.

I've culled the senses that kept my hopes up. Now that they fly away from me I can be free of emotion once and for all. An unbelievable conclusion that you've drawn here today. I am at a loss for a lack of words. The urge to verbalise my thoughts spills over into a series of failed attempts at speaking.

Today = Tied up. I escaped my house and retreated to a friend's house. Christmas is thankfully over though. I got a Simpsons boombox, Simpsons keyring, a Simpsons dinner tray and a Simpsons mug. A good year for Matt Groening. Apart from that, I haven't been doing much at all. Hope you all had a good holiday and are OK. [I hope you are OK]

"the prisoner who now stands before you, was caught red-handed showing feelings, showing feelings of an almost human nature, this will not do"

[1:32am]

Say it out loud for us. We cannot pick up on hints. We are the deaf, the mute, the blind. This will never be ours. We need you to spell it out, kick us down and leave us in the cold.

Check over the shoulder, is there anybody there? How about the people who use me for information? Get close to me just to try to get closer to other people? Is it paranoia or are my accusations achingly, painfully true? That's all I want to know.

Today = Empty of Christmas cheer. Humbug. Hurry up and get moving, time! I want December 25th to come and go as quickly as possible. Well, I guess I'll say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all. Anyway, today I haven't been up to much. My copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy Tertiary Phase arrived this morning. I watched Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me last night and was highly confused by the whole thing. Just what is Lynch trying to say? I wish he'd spell it out a bit more now and again. [I hope you are OK]

"i'm subtle like a lion's cage, such a cautious display"

[2:44pm]

Enclosed worlds within other worlds within yet more worlds. They shrink endlessly and somewhere our feeble universe fits into the equation. We are nothing compared to everything else. In comparison, we are outnumbered so many millions to one by the size of the universe, that it seems pointless to go on sometimes. What do you have to look forward to? There is nothing in our futures. The present soon becomes the past and is forgotten while the future always seems bleak. Pointlessness personified.

Too much. Too little. Too moderate. Too mediocre. Some people cannot be pleased, they have to question everything. There is no solutions for them, all they can do is be pessimistic no matter what the situation. Hello, nice to meet you, are you OK?

Today = Being enshrouded by darkness. I'm planning on going for a sit by the river. Yes I know it's Winter and yes I know it's freezing, but I've missed the river. I want to sit beside it for a while, one last time before Christmas and the New Year. If only for ten minutes. I'd still be happy. [I hope you are OK]

"god only knows what i'd be without you"

[6:36pm]

One day I will stop being around. I will be unfindable, lost in a sea of people, shops, cars and streetlights. I will merge and fade with them and become a myth, a something that existed only for a short while. Something that never made a difference.

Surely there can be time for one last story. We are in no rush to go yet. We clamour around and beg for just one more story. One more story. One more story to help us escape ourselves for that little while longer. We are denied and drained.

Today = Locked inside myself. Well actually my headache is back. Which is highly annoying. But I'll survive. Today involved sleeping, dreaming and then waking up and still dreaming. I seem to have been walking on no solid ground all day. It's very surreal. [I hope you are OK]

"time is like a broken watch"

[6:28pm]

Slipping on ice and falling over words. Who would leave something like that? In the middle of the road? In the middle of the night? It seems like a trap and soon someone will be caught. Their mistake. Their loss.

Cannot be seen from such a height. We need to get lower to see the mass panic. People are running. But from what? The traffic has come to a halt. There doesn't seem to be any other option than to walk. Endlessly.

Today = Pain. I have a headache. And it's just starting to make me feel ill. So a great night awaits me no doubt. Steven has gone now and I don't know when I'll see him again. Sometime in the new year hopefully. Well, I've done it. I've done my diary entry and everything despite my pain. I need to go lie down now. Feel free to browse the lyrics page, since there are some new contributions on it from my pen. [I hope you are OK]

"we ain't going to the town, we're going to the city"

[6:53pm]

I had so much time to explain myself. So much time to express myself. So much time, so much time. But it ran out too soon. Now the world grows dusty and there hasn't been a sound for years.

Cars are burning and so are the cities. It seems apocalyptic but not violent. These weren't deliberate mistakes, they were simply the choices chosen by those people. Those people probably decided correctly.

Today = Getting ready. Well I missed Saturday because my friend was visiting, and I'm making an early entry today because I'm going to Blackpool with the aformentioned friend. I have a lot to do before 1:25 and the bus. So I have to go and do all of that. Soon the world will not be the same. Music = Interpol- Antics. [I hope you are OK]

"i wanna be better than oxygen, so you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees, i wanna speak louder than ritalin, for all the children who think that they've got a disease, i wanna be cooler than t.v., for all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be"

[11:53am]

Pins and needles of the soul. The shivers creeping down your spine remind you that you are still alive, but now you wish you weren't. You've seen more than you were meant to. It's time to sleep, time to sleep and sleep. Maybe one day you'll wake back up, but they're not counting on it.

It's raining impossibly. I can't even see my hand in front of my face. I keep walking though, through this driving and inpeneterable rain. I don't care where I end up, as long as it is a place far away from here. A place where the rain is kinder and the people are alive.

Today = Kicking back and relaxing. Now that I'm back home anyway. I had a stressful time carrying all my stuff here though. I brought too much back with me! But where would I be without my guitar, tape recorder, PS2 and many many DVDs and CDs? I packed as much of my life as possible into my holdall and lent my life to public transport for a few hours. Now that I'm home, I'm gonna enjoy myself, eat and play much Final Fantasy. Hell, I may even treat myself to a glass of wine or five. Tis the season. [I hope you are OK]

"if time is a vessel, then learning to love, might be my way back to sea, the flying, the medal, the turning above, these are just ways to be seen"

[6:52pm]

Here's a line, here's a spindle. Cross nothing, spin nothing. Sitting down to work while everyone else revels in their retirement. We are sleeping and slipping at the same time. Dreaming of a more carefree life, slipping into a regime and a routine.

Just try and see past us. We'll block out your light and keep you in the dark. Secrets to be revealed that we just can't show you yet. If you'd worked harder towards achieving greatness, maybe this would be over.

Today = Buying. Yeah my extra loan cheque money cleared today. Bad news for my bank account. But to my credit, I didn't spend all £360. I spent a mere £50 of it. And five of that went on my phone, and another five is going towards me going home. I need to buy my mother a Christmas present sometime. I may stop off in Newcastle on the way home tomorrow to snak a peek into the manga/anime shops. Dangerous, but fun. Yes, I return home tomorrow for Christmas. I will arrive bearing a holdall packed with as much of my life as possible and my guitar. The sun is shining in December. Illuminating the cold air. [I hope you are OK]

"you said today, you know exactly how i feel, i had my doubts little girl, i'm in love with something real, it could be me, that's changing"

[1:32pm]

Where will I turn when the music stops? When everything just stops? I'll have to scream those thoughts away. Scream these demons right away from me. Damn, all this time I've managed to sustain myself and now I break. Now. Why now of all times? I am about to achive stability and enlightenment and my body gives up the calmness and introduces my lack of control.

Flaws. We're full of them. I cannot defend everyone for ever. Some day you'll have to stand up for yourself to keep the angry faces at bay. I'd love to help, yeah I'd love to help you out. But today just isn't the right day.

Today = Fulfilled. There we go. New lyrics have been posted. Also, my random blurbs have taken on a very own new life of their own. I'm quite proud of them. And also again, I started recording more songs last night. For the first time in about two/three months, I was hit by inspiration. I'm very damn happy at the minute and I forbid any of you to bring me down! So to all the people who think they know me and think I'm depressed, screw you. For God's sake start living your own lives and stop nosing around mine. [I hope you are OK]

"it's funny how it tears me apart, first it breaks your head then your heart, i should've loved you better, from the start, it's chewin' at my bones and my brains, it's workin' through the flesh that remains, why can't this feelin' leave me, and just fade away, from day one i led you on, i'm sorry girl, but i can't stay, things have changed, they're not the same, now i must walk the other way"

[12:26pm]

An appearance so slight and rare that we don't know what to do. It shines in the sky and we all drop whatever we are doing to go outside and stare up. Is this the end? Is this the beginning? Traffic comes to a halt and the TV stations fill up with breaking news reports. The light is getting brighter and soon we will all be blinded by it, but still we cannot look away. This is the end. This is the beginning.

Forgetfulness comes easily to those who try. Erase the past, and get rid of those unwanted memories. Farewell.

Today = Still forgetful. I was going to post lyrics today, but I've forgotten them again. So tomorrow! Hold on, they will get here! I got my remaining loan money today and paid it into the bank. Hopefully the cheque will clear as quickly as last time, which was within one working day. Amazingly fast work from the bank there. Once again I've been pulled in by the lure of a game. Since I'd finished GTA, I needed to find something else to keep me occupied. Up steps Final Fantasy VI and I'll be saying farewell to another few weeks of my life. [I hope you are OK]

"wake me up when september ends"

[12:57pm]

Eternally slow. Getting even slower. Ground to a halt. No more distance left to run. The progress of the human race.

Clothes that sting and the upside-down craziness of the trigger-happy generation. Radio stations only broadcast static and the television stations all show the same emergency messages. There's rioting on the streets as people try to escape from something they can't see. One by one the cities are falling to anarchy, then fall into silence. And finally into decadence. We'll all fall asleep, every one of us. This time is no longer ours.

Today = Rich. Well, a bit better off at least. My extra loan money arrived. But I couldn't get it today, because I forgot a document. So I'll get it tomorrow and pay it straight into the bank and with any luck, I'll have the money by the end of the week, if not sooner. I was swamped in emails yesterday, hence the lack of an update. But this lead me to decide that I am going to make Sundays my official day off. This makes sense, considering that when I'm back home (starting Friday) I won't be able to use the internet on a Sunday. I am going to grace everyone with more lyrics tomorrow. I would have done it today, but I forgot. It seems to be the theme of the day for me. [I hope you are OK]

"so watch me rise up and leave, all the ashes you made out of me, when you said that we were wrong, life goes on, look how wrong I could be"

[4:46pm]

Priorities

Singing myself to sleep. But I close my eyes to find horror and the Extravagent "End Of The World". My eyes open and I wake at the scream. Sore throat. It's morning. I reassure myself that it was all a Dream and that I have returned to Normal Life. I shuffle into my clothes and then into the bathroom. Brush Teeth, Smile, Engage Myself in Friendly Conversation. Head downstairs to eat a Healthy Nutritious Breakfast. Feel so awake and alive and fresh and ready to take anything on. Routine first though. All lights switched off, yes. All electrical outlets switched off, yes. Mulitvitamin tablet taken, yes. Good, now I can leave my Semi-Detached Middle-Class Bachelor-Friendly house and head towards my Economic and Environmentally Sound Automobile. But before I get to it, I look out over the Filth-Infested, Crime-Filled, Brave Smiles All Round city. My jaw drops. A Dream? Normal Life? The sky is on the floor and there are upside-down planes. People wave as they walk by, turned inside-out. They stop every now and again to check they are still in one piece. Fire has replaced water as it rains. Gravity is working part-time and I bob along the ground. Naturally, Naturally I feel Light-Headed and Woozy. What an existence to wake up to. I rush back indoors, sit down and think about what I should do. First Things First, I'd better call my boss and tell him I won't be in today.

Today = Saturday. I decided that the long story today would be enough in the way of modern modernist writing for one day. I completed GTA: SA last night, and now I have nothing to do. Pray for me. [I hope you are OK]

"surprise sometime, i'll come around, surprise sometime, i'll come around, i will surprise you sometime, i'll come around, i will surprise you sometime, i'll come around, when you're down"

[1:23pm]

Shut up and keep driving. Full circle. Spin around. Flat out. Down the highways that everyone forgot about. Let me out here. Middle of the desert. Time to go on a journey. Forcing myself into non-existence.

Try not to focus on the things that make us sad. Focus on the good things. There must be some, look harder. {looking around but I don't see any happiness, I don't see anything changing} No! You're seeing the picture that your mind wants you to see, Look wuth your heart instead of your eyes. {I can't focus like that, everyone is crowding me, I feel too small to care about anything} Helping yourself is the first step to helping others. If you can't learn to feel good about yourself, you won't be able to feel good about anything. [you say this like it is so easy to change the way the mind thinks, I cannot force myself to be happy}

Today = listening to the stuttering radio, hoping for a revelation. Another rigmarolic (word, not a word?) day. I can't wait until this year is over. I want to be able to hope for something different, a different life. I had a dream last night that death was chasing after me. You know, the old image of death, a skeleton in a black robe. Well I saw him coming towards my house, so I made a run for it out of the back door. I ran and ran til I reached the bus station (this dream took place back at home in Bishop). I sat around for a while and then decided to give in to fate. Turns out "death" was a friend dressed up. Weird dream. Must mean something. Try and make some kind of link between "death" and "friends". [I hope you are OK]

"you want me, well fucking well come and find me, i'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches, and nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing"

[11:31am]

A covert option and an out-in-the-open option. Either one will result in the loss of dreams and the death of all. Choose wisely, it will be the last choice you ever make.

Look around at all the people who are slowly being drained of their lives. It's all fun and games and then suddenly it gets all serious. Shoved into your little niche of a job and doing the same thing for the rest of your life. Is that what we all want? Is that our destiny? Keep it for yourself.

Today = So many things to do, so little time. I'm in one of those moods where I feel like I have loads to do when I don't. I have nothing to do at all. I do have to reply to some emails, but that happens on a daily basis. I think it may be Hotmail's refusal to work at the moment that is making me feel rushed off my feet. It better be working when I sign back in. I fell into the trap of GTA: San Andreas again yesterday and will no doubt be playing it for the next week without fail. I also need some money to get home. Let's hope I get my extra money from the student loan people before my trip home, otherwise I'll have to extract my final five pounds from my account. [I hope you are OK]

"soma is what they would take when hard times opened their eyes, saw pain in a new way, high stakes for a few names"

[3:59pm]

an upstanding member of society, honourable without being too proud, never clamouring for attention, always the first to help, no delusions of grandeur, no overblown ideologies or impossible dreams, clean-cut and clean-living, still in regular contact with relatives and friends, a firm believer in the consumption of a healthy breakfast, no unsavoury thoughts, no enemies, feelings of constant bliss, aware of all the dangers of drugs, fighting for the rights of all free people, avidly contented, a resposible drinker, never needing any pick-me-ups, a clear and easy mind, a steady job, polystyrene cups of coffee at lunchtime, plenty of sleep and awake before the alarm, keeping other's secrets and never holding personal ones in, being open to everyone, meeting all deadlines, recognising the good in others, smiling at the old folks, feverishly working late at the office, clacking keys on the keyboard to finish the work, wrapping up with no more work to do, quality time with the kids, rolex watch, flashy car, a huge gap where there should be life

Today = Expanding my mind. The above piece is going to be the finale to my story. I was going to work on it some more today, but an old friend called who I haven't seen in ages and I couldn't pass up the chance to go see him. This entry has to be rushed because I'm meeting up with him soon. You catch me with five minutes to check my emails. [I hope you are OK]

"at the center of the earth, in the parking lot, of the seven eleven where i was taught, the motto was just a lie, it says "home is where your heart is", but what a shame, cuz everyone's heart doesnt beat the same, it's beating out of time"

[12:35pm]

Once again you swarm around me. I just have no escape. I'm being clamoured around and I don't want this. I want peace, I need isolation. Grant me some time alone.

There is beauty in everything. The most wonderful things are around us. Outside, indoors, everywhere you happen to look you will see something that can be regarded as pleasing to the eye or the mind. Find something.

Today = Hotter than the sun. For some reason, I am burning up in the library. Have they got the heating on? It isn't really necessary... I'm hot enough already. I saw Interpol's new music video for 'Evil' over the weekend. It is amazingly great. Sorry if my random thoughts go off-track for a while, I'm concentrating all my thoughts on my new story. It's called 'A Life'. Nothing interesting, just a response to the modernist novel I have to read for English, Mrs. Dalloway. You may all see it someday. There's some new lyrics up today. [I hope you are OK]

"give me something that i need, satisfaction guaranteed, cos i'm thinking about a brand new hope, one i've never known, cos i know it's all that i wanted"

[1:36pm]

My mood changes with the seasons. A sunny disposition, a frosty reception, a stormy future.

The leaves turn brown and once again it seems like time is slipping away. It was surely yesterday that the snow was last melting. Another year, another decade even. Ageing does not scare me, dying does not scare me. What scares me is how the minutes pass like this.

Today = Relieved of weights. I finally paid my summer rent to my landlord today. £102.50. Which leaves me with about £5. I'm paying him two installments of money after Christmas. And I should have money by then. My mum was at the hospital today, to see about her back. She needs more tests, and she'll have to be in for two days sometime after Christmas. Then she may have to be there for weeks if she needs an operation. I'm not worried, which scares and upsets me. [I hope you are OK]

"i spent a life span with no cellmate, the long way back, sandy, why can't we look the other way, you're weightless, semi-erotic, you need someone to take you there, sandy, why can't we look the other way, why can't we just play the other game, why can't we just look the other way?"

[5:01pm]

People just don't understand my opinions and thoughts. But I don't understand theirs, so at least we're even.

This model is the future. Don't argue with us, we know what is right. We design your cars, your telvisions, your refridgerators, your bands, your idols, your lives. Leave everything to us. You are safe and easily manipulated in our hands.

Today = Realising my extent. Wow did I talk a lot yesterday. But there was good reason. I now own Green Day's newest album. Finally. It will be listened to muchly. This may seem like a quick little entry, but I'm home for the weekend and there's a live Radiohead gig on TV. I have a tape ready, now all the television needs is me in front of it. I will return on Monday. [I hope you are OK]

"cigarettes and ramen and a little bag of dope, i am the sonuvabitch and edgar allen poe, raised in the city under a halo of lights, product of war and fear that we've been victimized"

[2:32pm]

Full stop.

The sun rises, but it only seems that way, I said to everyone around me. They didn't listen, they just kept believing what their eyes told them instead of what their minds told them. Thinking with your eyes is not the way to think. Don't be so melodramatic. Realise simplicity.

Today = Hyper. Blink were amazing! So amazing! Their show was fantastic! OK, I'll write a mini-review. The first band out, The Kinison, stepped out ready to play. A microphone problem got their show off to a bad start, and to be honest, their mood didn't really fit the night. They were bottled and given many insults. But they played until the end of their set, and it was a shame they had to start their UK life like this. They have potential, but they should tour with Finch next time. Meanwhile, Sugarcult stepped out onto the stage looking like some creation of Tim Burton. Clad in tight black (or in one case, white) leather jackets, looking very thin and with hair looking greased up with sweat, they began to play. And we listened. And we loved. Great bouncy punk-pop one minute, pounding pure punk the next. Rollercoaster ride. Then, after much anticipation, out stepped blink-182. They didn't have to prove anything to me, because I knew how good they were going to be. From the first song to the last, I felt like I'd had this experience before, like I knew the band even. By the end I was drained, but ecstatic. An amazing gig. And as a side-note, after the gig me and some friends waited outside and caught the band. We got autographs. I got Mark, Travis and Rick Devoe's autographs anyway, but Tom missed me. But I saw him, which is good enough for any blink fan. [I hope you are OK]

"should i go back, should i go back, should i, i feel alone and tired, should i go back, should i go back, should i, i know i won't forget you"

[2:49pm]

What was it you ordered? Chips, sausages, burger, peas, toast, bacon, a clean healthy lifestyle? Our menu does cover all aspects of food and life. Decisions made for you, 2 for 1 offer at the minute. Try not to get sucked into our marketing ploys. You buy what we tell you to, you do what we tell you to. You obey us and no-one else. You are the lowly consumer, we are the feeder. Enjoy your meal.

Good lord she said nobodies eyes should look that bloodshot you cannot even tell what colour theyre meant to be you should really get some sleep especially because of all the work you have to do and the friends you have to keep happy. I want to get away, that's all.

Today = Wondering what the hell is going on. So I'm going to see blink-182 tonight. Not a band that seems like "me" nowadays, but who knows anything about me? You turn one corner, figure one thing out, then I go and contradict that part of myself. A mirror that shows more than one reflection. Anyway there's been a bit of confusion. I'm getting a lift, but I'm not yet sure what time that's happening. It seems people are making plans for me behind my back and I'd rather do what I want to do. The pick-up time will be easily sorted. I have a distinct taste of toffee in my mouth. People shouldn't leave their donuts lying around. Donuts? I mean doughnuts. Got to stop being America-homogenised. The sun is out today. It doesn't mean the weather will be warm, but at least it'll look like a nice day to cover up all of my insecurities as I walk down the street bathed in light. [I hope you are OK]

"take a chance and step outside, lose some sleep and say you've tried, meet frustrations face to face, a point of view creates more waste"

[10:56am]

Did you wait? /lying mouth-today/

Mysterious stains on my fingers. I knew something was wrong when I didn't leave any footprints in the snow. Floating off to someplace new. A lifeless corpse that has more social life than I do.

Today = Doing the tests. I always get sucked into tests like these. Wow... look at those results. You sure you still want to be my friend? Anyway, I went to bed at 5 this morning, which is an early night for me, and then kept waking up. So I made some black coffee and left it to go cold on my desk while I drifted off properly. Typical really, I decide to stay awake and suddenly I can't manage it. So I woke up about an hour ago to the sound of people living their lives. That sound scares me sometimes. [I hope you are OK]

"i'd tell all my friends, but they'd never believe, they'd think that i'd finally lost it completely, i'd show them the stars, and the meaning of life, they'd shut me away, but i'd be all right, all right.."

[3:40pm]

We're too close now to ever go back. Hold on tight. Can you wait? /lying mouth-1day/

Feelings aren't feelings, they're expressions. Pathways into people's true emotions and judgement. Tell us you don't believe that fact. We were raised on the beliefs of others, now we're breaking out and forming our own opinions.

Today = Rushing around. Sorry if the entry seems a little rushed today. I didn't get out of bed until quarter to one and I have a seminar at two. I always like to be there early because one of my friend's is and we have a bit of a natter. Plus I need to tell him I lost his library card. Long story. So basically I'll be running off to my seminar now. Another boring chapter in the day. [I hope you are OK]

"oh, i don't what made me, what gave me the right, to mess with your values, and change wrong to right"

[1:30pm]

Thrown left, thrown right, but which direction will our opinions go in? Can you wait? /lying mouth-2days/

It is possible for me to understand. But I need a clearer image to focus on. Had enough of your optical illusion feelings. I want to be able to see right through you. Stop being so opaque.

Today = Awaiting payment. I paid my loan cheque into my bank account today. I can probably expect the money sometime after Thursday, or on that day. Whatever, as long as it comes through eventually. Two years running I've had problems getting my money and both times it's been no-one's fault but the comapany's. I get the feeling that something is against me. [I hope you are OK]

"must I always take a back seat, must I always be your clown, did you ever really love me, were you always coming down?"

[3:45pm]

Even as the dark closes in, we still have a light to follow. Can you wait? /lying mouth-3days/

Uncertain of our futures, pointing out the blame. Everyone will falter, everyone's the same. Nothing is clear, nobody knows why. Everyone will falter, everyone's lost time.

Today = Blank. Well it's a Sunday, what did you expect? I was up until very late/early watching Channel 4's Top 100 UK Movies based on how many people went to the cinema to see them. We've already had most of the Star Wars movies except Episode I and Episode IV, and a load of Disney movies too. Most of the Pixar movies have already cropped up. The final fifty are being counted down tonight from 8. I watched Star Wars, Mallrats and Donnie Darko afterwards and eventually got to bed at 5am. And I woke up and hour ago. And that's my day so far. Fun. [I hope you are OK]

"see my true reflection, cut off my own connections, i can see life getting harder, so sad is this sensation, reverse the situation, i can't see it getting better, i'll walk you through the heartbreak, show you all the out takes, i can't see it getting higher, systematically degraded, emotionally a scapegoat, i can't see it getting better"

[4:34pm]

Long after your countdowns end, I will still be revelling in mine. Can you wait? /lying mouth-4days/

A land of fantasy and woe. It was everything I ever dreamed of and worse. Now I can spend eternity running away from all my fears. But they always catch up, one step at a time.

Today = Missing closing times. So I was going to pay my cheque into the bank today. By the time I got there they were shut. I need to start waking up earlier and checking closing times. As promised, there are new lyrics posted in the usual place. Enjoy/writhe/cringe... whichever you prefer. For a minute there I thought it was Friday. [I hope you are OK]

"and it scares the hell out of me, and the end is all i can see"

[4:20pm]

Hold your breath until the very end. Can you wait? /lying mouth-5days/

it now looks like you bad days will begin. can't say i didn't warn you, tell you of what was definitely coming some time soon. one day, some way, you won't follow me anymore. the final nail in that final coffin in our final farewell.

Today = On top of somebody else's world. I popped into Uni and picked up a cheque for £1013 half an hour ago. So finally I have money. Not much, to be honest, but some. I'm sure £29 will go a long way. I'm trying to think of some way to celebrate, but I can't think of anything. Well I'll probably sit around and have a Tarantino-a-thon and then a zombie-a-thon. That'll keep me amused for hous. I was going to post some more new lyrics today, but I have so much other paperwork in my pockets regarding my loan that I didn't bother. But tomorrow there will be new lyrics. [I hope you are OK]

"money can't buy back, your youth when you're old, or a friend when you're lonely, or a love that's grown cold, the wealthiest person, is a pauper at times, compared to the man, with a satisfied mind, when my life has ended, and my time has run out, my friends and my loved ones, ill leave there's no doubt, but one thing's for certain, when it comes my time, i'll leave this old world, with a satisfied mind"

[5:19pm]

They are scared to change in case they alienate everyone. You change frequently, embracing alienation and attention. Can you wait? /lying mouth-6days/

Left on the sideline, open mouthed. What where when did this happen? Why don't they understand what they see? Revolution seems so far away in the distance. It will die long before it arrives. We'll never know the true horror that overthrowing brings.

Today = Strangely omniscient. Went to bed at 9 last night, woke up at 2am. Played GTA for three hours, slept again until 4pm. Came to library. Well that about sums up my day. I got a letter from the Student Loan Company comfirming my unassessed cheque was arriving. Apparantly it arrived last Wednesday, the day after my meeting with the financial advisor. Hmm, they work fast when important people talk to them, huh? So tomorrow I'll hopefully hold in my very hands a cheque for £1013! You'll surely find out tomorrow if this is true. But most of it will be going straight to other people. £882 goes to University. £102 goes to landlord. So I'll have £29 to myself. Wow. The rest of my money better hurry up and get here after they sort out the problems.. [I hope you are OK]

"don't corner me, don't sit on me, don't make up excuses, but don't bury me from what they've got to say"

[5:36pm]

Shadows paint such a pretty picture sometimes. Can you wait? /lying mouth-7days/

Whatever you want to throw in his direction, he'll blink once or twice and shake it off. There's no way you could possibly bring him down. The only thing that can do that is him. When he's backed into a corner, he'll crawl back out and lie down. Submit. Give in to it all, it's far too much to handle right now. He needs to be left alone. Give him some room, some water, some time.

Today = Stuck. I'm walking around in a video-game today. Everywhere I look, I just see GTA. I feel like I'm losing my already nearly gone mind. This game has taken over my life. Every single limb, every single organ, every single bone and every single blood cell are charged for playing this game. So why am I here? Well I had a few things to deal with today. Firstly the loan company wanted some forms from my dad to prove that he wasn't getting any extra benefits, so he gave them to me to bring back to Sunderland to give to the finance department to send to the company. Did you get all that? It's OK, you can always read it again. But anyway, the loan company has re-sent a letter that they apparently sent in September, which didn't arrive and I didn't find out about until I went to see my University financial advisor last week. So now my dad has to fill that form in and send it back with the forms. So I had to go to the post office and send them back. Which I've done, and was one of the reasons I left the house. The other reason was of course to update my ever-popular, infinitely-visited website! Well at least I've achieved something today. The securing of my loan cheque in full and the satisfaction of my three worthy followers here. Or is that four? If I'm lucky. [I hope you are OK]

"i saw a liquid control, that gives life to a soul, i hit my head on it and woke up to know, that i was all alone, wearing just socks and a phone, someone's screaming like their world might explode, yeah i'm freezing and losing my way, i don't need another map of your head"

[12:59pm]

They handed over the fifty pound notes and you created something from it. Made from money, made of money? Can you wait? /lying mouth-8days/

He wakes up and stares. He didn't do it, after all that careful planning. He jumps out of bed and reaches for his whiskey glass. He fills it to the brim shakily and downs it. He stares at the ceiling, ready for another day.

Today = Sleeping-in. I slept in just a bit. I went to bed at 9pm last night after being awake for 28 hours straight and didn't wake up until 3pm today. And what am I going to do when I get home? Play GTA of course. It's a safer addiction than other things! And if I don't go out, I don't spend money drinking and such. See it all makes sense. [I hope you are OK]

"did you get your heartache and your head rush confused, have you been sleeping late cause you've been abused, are you alone, does it feel like those around want you to die, are you alive"

[4:45pm]

half-baked rushed out slap it all together quickly do we have the time? Can you wait? /lying mouth-9days/

I am very aware of my own future, my own fate. I have accepted it and the fact that there is nothing I can do to prevent it. Changing the course of things to be never works.

Today = Relieved. Phew, I got my essay handed in on time. And I will soon be receiving loan cheque money (hopefully). And I have GTA. Things really are looking up up up. How long can this last last last? I was desperately trying to think of at least one more thing to say... new lyrics on the usual page. [I hope you are OK]

"made the fatal mistake, like i did once before, a tendency just to take, til the purpose turned sour"

[2:10pm]

Time to make sure the facts are all straight before we carry on. Can you wait? /lying mouth-10days/

It's all about the way we live, the way we try, the way we no longer fight for what we believe in. This is why we crumble and decay and fall apart within ourselves. There is no going back and no moving forward.

Today = Feeling... guilty? Haven't updated for a few days due to general passing out at home and enjoying the amount of food. Sorry if any of you feel inconvenienced. I heard the new version of Do They Know It's Christmas? and was very very impressed and very very happy that so many of my favourite musicians took part. Well done to all the people who did it because they genuinely believed in what they were singing for and burn in hell all the people who are doing to further their careers. It is currently very early in the morning and I am the very proud owner of GTA: San Andreas. I bid you all farewell for the next several months. You may hear from me now and again. If you're lucky. [I hope you are OK]

"do they know it's christmas time at all?"

[2:41am]

No, the eyes may be red but no we cannot stop yet! They have to turn black first! Can you wait? /lying mouth-13days/

All that strain caused by the constant darkness. If only a crack of light had been let in. Anyone could snap under these conditions. Who knows if it's day or night? What day of the week it is? What year it is? We cannot know for sure, we simply do not have enough information. Although we try, we still see nothing. Darkness darkness and then darkness. Awaiting us all.

Today = Aware but daydreaming. I'm kind of distracted today. Everything is all over me, and I'm noticing vividly every single detail. This could be caused by lack of sleep mixed with a strong will to stay awake. I am awaiting an appointment with one of my University's financial counsellors to try and help me sort my money problems out. It may help, it may not. The only way to find out is to be there. 11:30am. This meant that I had to stay up all night otherwise I would have slept through everything. Fortuanately I had the useful help of gaming and caffiene to keep me going all night. My future awaits. On a final note, the lyrics in my entry here are not meant to confuse. Think -he goes by the name "hay-suz"- rather than the usual pronunciation. [I hope you are OK]

"when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross, i'll tell them i found jesus that should throw them off, he goes by the name jesus and steals hubcaps from cars, oh jesus can i borrow your crowbar, to pry these god damn nails out they're beginning to hurt, crucified and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, i can't believe it's not butter i'll sing as i'm flogged, yeah that's what i would do if i were god"

[7:21pm]

They're baking it to just the right temperature so that we can handle the taste. It may be bitter, it may be sweet, but we won't be deterred. Can you wait? /lying mouth-14days/

Look at us all against the wall. We don't care what the others think, we do what we will. But myself, I want to break away from this broken away group and start over myself. Start my own group of one. My own policies for no-one but me. That sounds like one man's heaven, but it's everyone's hell. Backed against the wall rather than leaning on it. Now things have changed.

Today = Feeling too real. I don't know, things suddenly seem pointless again. I'm not even looking forward to my console playing. But as soon as I get some coffee and noodles down me I'll probably be fine. Plus it's Children in Need this Friday. Lots of charity and lots of comedy. I always look forward to that night. Plus I'll be back in Bishop so I'll have all the food and TV I need. For now I'll trudge back to my home in Sunderland and listen to some obscure music. [I hope you are OK]

"i'm on it, get on it, the troops are on fire, ya know i need it, much closer, i'm trading (or treading), just a little more, step on it, electronic, the troops are on fire, i'm much deeper, a sleeper, waiting for the vinyl trip"

[7:21pm]

There will be millions who don't tune in... but the few thousand who do will know it was worth this wait. Can you wait? /lying mouth-15days/

Now who do I turn to when everyone thinks I'm fine? Now that I managed to convince the many of my freedom from problems? Are these merely thoughts or protrusions into the deeper recesses of my feelings? All of these questions and many more unlikely to be answered any time soon.

Today = Not as stressed. But still not feeling great, but when was the last time I did? I got a letter from the student loan people. Telling me much I owe them after that first year. Damn them. Where's my money? Surely me being able to live is more important than their money? Obviously not to them. Apart from that there's nothing happening. I did add more lyrics to that same old place though. [I hope you are OK]

"this is the room, the start of it all, no portraits so fine, only sheets on the wall, i've seen the nights, filled with bloodsports in vain, and the body is obtained, Where will it end, where will it end, where will it end, where will it end?"

[3:11pm]

Monday, November 15, 2004

Extra update. As a gamer, I find this to be highly fascinating. It's also a good way to underhandedly fight the power, which is what I'm all about.

[4:23pm]

Monday, November 15, 2004

We'll see ourselves as we have never seen. The TV reflection in our eyes will say nothing of how we feel inside. Can you wait? /lying mouth-16days/

Becoming far more understandable is more than one step away. The feeling is that being that certain kind of enigma is more out there than being normal and living that normal life. Bowing down and giving in to society was never my way of doing things. I like being me, but I like being someone else for even a short amount of time. Take my thoughts away from me and put them in a box. Lock it and keep them on top of that cupboard you have in your living room. The dust it will accumulate over the next few decades will hide its original purpose, and it will become part of the house rather than part of the furniture. One day, take it back down.

Today = Stressed. Still no loan cheque, still no solution to life's problems. OK so it will take more than money to solve that latter problem. But I've made an appointment with a "financial counsellor" who'll "make everything all right". I've got to stop making things look like a government manifesto, with all these little "hints towards controversy". Well, guess that's all I really have to say. [I hope you are OK]

"a legacy so far removed, one day will be improved, eternal rights we left behind, we were the better kind, two the same, set free too, i always looked to you, i always looked to you, i always looked to you"

[4:14pm]

Sunday, November 14, 2004

They will watch until they can no longer focus. Can you wait? /lying mouth-17days/

Finding it harder to recognise a smile or friendly gesture. No more sense telling me which is what texture. Many more reasons to stay at home. There is no more point to outdoor activities.

Today = Agorophobic. I didn't really feel like leaving the house today, but after lounging around in bed until 4pm, I decided I may as well get down here and update. But to be honest, I haven't really got anything interesting to say. I need to sweep up some more inspiration from the dusty corners of my mind that haven't been looked through yet. But until I do that, I will be hypnotised by all-night coffee-drinking and console-playing. Until further notice I am Ethanised.

"near a sea of pianos, there were waves of chords that crashed against the shore in one huge and useless roar, and there were girls bringing water, like a dream they came to cure the fever of my brain, and soothe my burning throat, and they made me a necklace, hanging beads of sweat on a string of my regrets, and placed it round my neck and they were singing, don’t you do what you’ve wanted to, yeah, don’t destroy yourself like those cowards do and maybe the sun keeps coming up because it has gotten used to you and your constant need for proof"

[4:50pm]

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Feeling uncomfortable. They're all talking about me, I know it. Can you wait? /lying mouth-18days/

Lonely pixels dance along the screen. It looks like something somewhere has crashed.

Today = Wanting see to the oh to the double eff double ee. I've been swallowed by the pull of the console! Lost to the world, or at least to the pixels. But this has always been the way I've lived, so it's not really that surprising that I've been sucked back in again.

"after years of waiting, nothing came, and you realize your looking, looking in the wrong place"

[4:07pm]

Friday, November 12, 2004

I am the holder of mysteries. Can you wait? /lying mouth-19days/

A Cool Briefing
[a]This will quicken my heartbeat tonight. The clouds form a familiar shape, one that we've all seen somewhere. A documentary or film perhaps.
[b]Looks like this time we are out of luck, as seconds pass, our deaths draw closer. The shockwave is eating up the landscape that we can see from this, the top window of this building.
[c]Everything begins to move in s-l-o-w-m-o-t-i-o-n. The drama rises as everyone dives for cover. It's so pointless, there's no escape from this harbinger of doom.
[d]Who called the order, who had the guts?
[e]This is as shocking as it is horrifying, all of our worst fears imagined.
[f]A witness to the panic 1st-hand, will there be any survivors to give their 2nd-hand accounts? All that man forged to create is being destroyed now, wiped out by one simple mistake.
[g]Foolish.
[g][g]Foooooolish.
[h]Maybe this planet will be better off without us though, we have only brought death and misery with us. US THE MORONS, US THE DESTROYERS, US THE PLAGUE, US THE CURSE OF OUR HOME.
[i]All these thoughts race through my mind as the third (3rd) second (2nd) passes. Now that my mind is clear, I can await the fateful sixth (6th) second (2nd), when our haven will be no more. I await that second (2nd), and the screaming of all begins. But I just smile a knowing smile. Soon the world will be cleansed of its filth, our final mistake has been made. A new era (0). It will rise from the ashes.

Ah no i'm dying i'm dying get it away from me. What what what was that there was a distinct lack of anything there for a moment.

Today = Being pained by tiredness. The calls of the videogame are strong. As my friend was drawn in and consumed by the game, I was merely reading. Basically my friend that stayed last night stayed up playing GTA all night while I read and wrote stuff. We were awake all night thanks to coffee and tea. I have given in to my site and added more lyrics to my lyrics page. Go and behold.

"any day now, how's about getting out of this place, any ways, got a lot of spare time, some of my youth and all of my senses on overdrive, what's got into me, can't believe myself!"

[12:36pm]

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Funded by other things besides your fan's money? That can't be, which is why we await you. Can you wait? /lying mouth-20days/

The Soul Bearer:
[Either way I will continue on alone with my soul and shoulders heavy with this burden. When I'm gone, please forget me. I'm not worth a thought. I never was.]

What was going to be a victory turned into a bloodbath. But we think we still won. but how can we be sure how can we say for real that things are solved and how how how anything? can i go now can i work harder to achieve something actually no i want to stay and cause more havoc and get in the way you know everything i want to know everything too but i dont think i could handle that much information never mind forget what i said it wasnt important.

Today = Rediscovering my old self. Dug out one of my System Of A Down CDs to listen to. Forgotten how much I liked them actually. My heavy side is returning to me. But listening to them made me think of something I'd thought of a long time ago. Political rock bands being endorsed by the government. Basically, when Rage Against The Machine came around, it was a really big step for music. But the government smelt an idea. If they endorsed this kind of music, the public would most likely settle down a lot as they believed they were fighting the power by just listening to this "anti-establishment" music. And it seemed to work, people just listened to music, thinking that that alone would solve all problems. Of course, disaster struck when Rage Against The Machine looked ready to split. At the time, System Of A Down were skulking around, waiting to be noticed. So certain people made certain comments about this new anti-establishment band and got them noticed so that once again the public had something to believe in and feel like someone was getting their views across, when really that's all the government wanted people to think. Well, that's kind of mostly ramble, but I'm sure you see the point I'm trying to make.

"have a day, celebrate, soon you’ll find the answer, holiday, hide away, soon you’ll finally wonder, you’ll wonder to me"

[2:27pm]

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

All the walls are going to crumble down and leave only the innards of the building viewable to all of our eyes. Can you wait? /lying mouth-21days/

The Soul Bearer:
[None of this was anyone's fault but my own. If I count to ten and turn around, will you be gone? Or will you still be there with your arms outstretched?]

Children running home from school. Keep your eyes on the road. Staring out into the night. Music is food for the soul. Everything will be better in the morning. Everything has to be better in the morning.

Today = Sleeping in. I didn't get out of bed until 4pm, which is ridiculous. But I can forgive myself considering I had no lectures to go to today. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself for the rest of the day, but I sense anime calling.

"the breath of the morning, i keep forgetting, the smell of the warm summer air, i live in a town, where you can't smell a thing, you watch your feet, for cracks in the pavement."

[5:11pm]

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

Are you sure we're ready for this? Too much information could leave us wanting more. Can you wait? /lying mouth-22days/

The Soul Bearer:
[I am a disappointment to everybody including myself. You may forgive me but I never will, I'll forever be mourning the loss of my goals and ambitions.]

Common sense is not incorrect but is assumed to be true and hold very little credibility in relation to sociological understanding. Common sense is about norms to specific times and places. Sociology can be looked at through many different times. [common nonsense]

Today = Talked into it. Looks like I'll be going out tonight despite my lack of money. But a friend and a five pound note always convince me. All this work is starting to get to me. It's only three essays, but they seem so impossible from here. When it comes down to it, I'll probably be fine. I can talk my way through anything, even if I don't fully understand it.

"tell me what you wanted to hear, let me do the right thing, let me do the wrong thing, and if it's ever this clear, i'll only say it once, just let me turn the amps way up, so you can hear nothing, and if i die tonight, then i guess i die tonight, let me go on"

[4:11pm]

Monday, November 8, 2004

I can't keep up this charade of denial. We all need something, we all need something. We all need anything. Can you wait? /lying mouth-23days/

The Soul Bearer:
[I've been there, been here, been everywhere. Done it all, seen it all, lost it all. I've loved, lost, thrown away, hurt people, been hurt and still I build up my own burden.]

I was listening to the dead man sing all night. I draw up similarities between us. Why be so fascinated with death? But I can't help it if we're the same.

Today = Aching. I ache, therefore I am. Maybe the late nights and lack of food are finally getting to me. Or maybe today is an especially tired day for my body. Either way, I could have done with a day off. But considering that's how I ended up failing last year, it wouldn't be a good idea to take any days off. Unless I sleep in naturally, which I have done a few times. This week I will be doing my best to get moving though. I've got to motivate myself. Which is hard to do when your eyes hurt just by keeping them open.

"rust in the mountains, rust in the brain, the air is sacred here, in spite of your claim, up on the roof tops, out of reach, trickster is meaningless, trickster is weak"

[3:23pm]

Sunday, November 7, 2004

Thinking about all of the understatements. This is huge. Can you wait? /lying mouth-24days/

The Soul Bearer:
[But there will never be an end to it, all I have is this, my burden, and yours also. There is no point in me trying to advance, for there is nothing to advance towards.]

As we walked along the flatblock marina, I was calm on the outside but thinking all the time, so now it was to be Georgie the General, saying what we should do and what not to do, and Dim as his mindless, grinning bulldog. But, suddenly, I viddied that thinking was for the gloopy ones and that the oomny ones use like inspiration and what Bog sends, for now it was lovely music that came to my aid and I viddied at once what to do. There was a window open with the stereo on.

Today = Breaking copyright laws? OK, so I couldn't be bothered to write an original paragraph today. Actually, I could've churned out something, it's just something else came to mind. Any idea what it was? The four songs I wrote have now multiplied into seven. I'm spending a lot of time alone in my room which of course leads to writing. And I guess that's what I'll be doing again when I get back home. Which is where I'll be heading now.

"oh the heavy water how it enfolds, the salt the spray the gorgeous undertow, always, always, always the sea, brilliantine mortality"

[1:53pm]

Saturday, November 6, 2004

Here we all are, waiting for the time when all things will come to an end and we can only see your light. Can you wait? /lying mouth-25days/

The Soul Bearer:
[Suffice to say that I will forever be a victim to my feelings and everyone else's. I cannot let the sympathy of others seem like an actual solution to my problems. Flung against walls, destroyed by that which I find comfort in.]

The spikes still stick out. A being that hides from the light and the darkness. Which will it be, the fire or the shadows? It doesn't want to choose, it just wants to be alone. We cannot grant that wish, something like this must not pass.

Today = Wide-eyed and aware. I was playing GTA3 until quite late/early this morning. There is so much more to that game than I first thought. Anyway, my eyes aren't exactly wide, because I am quite tired, but I'm definitely aware and ready for more gaming. I was stopped outside the library and asked if I wanted to read to a camera for a future TV advert about keeping students in the north to work after they've graduated instead of fleeing to the south, but I'm not much for cameras. Which is what I told the two guys outside. Two of my old friends from school have died in a car crash. You might think this would deserve to be nearer the top of the news, but I want to push it to the back of my mind. I don't want to wish I'd at least seen them again before they died, I don't want to wish I'd got to know them that bit better. I just want to mourn them and move on. I'll get blind drunk for them another time.

"look now, you're throwing it away, forget the benefits of today, right now, it's time to get away, you've got the reason you live your life everyday"

[2:41pm]

Friday, November 5, 2004

The rest of the world is inked out, and all I see is what lies ahead. Something for all, all for something. Can you wait? /lying mouth-26days/

The Soul Bearer:
[Please understand that you can change and move on but I must stay forever in my rut. I cannot climb out, it would defy all I believe. So when you see me, don't ask me why I look unhappy, my ruination could come at any moment.]

True horror continued. "Nike, king of the superbrands, is like an inflated Pac-Man, so driven to consume it does so not out of malice but out of jaw-clenching reflex. It is ravenous by nature. It seems fitting that Nike's branding strategy involves an icon that looks like a check mark. Nike is checking off the spaces as it swallows them: superstores? Check. Hockey? Baseball? Soccer? Check. Check. Check. T-shirts? Check. Hats? Check. Underwear? Check. Schools? Bathrooms? Shaved into brush cuts? Check. Check. Check. Since Nike has been the leader in branding clothing, it's not surprising that it has also led the way to the brand's final frontier: the branding of flesh. Not only do dozens of Nike employees have a swoosh tatooed on their calves, but tattoo parlors all over North America report that the swoosh has become their most popular item. Human branding? Check."

Today = Inspired. Or maybe that was last night. I wrote four more songs last night alone. But since I only posted some new ones yesterday, I'll post them next week sometime. I'm also reading two books at once right now. I don't know, I'm just in a "swallowing up information" kind of mood. I'm reading No Logo (see true horror, above) and Touching From A Distance, the Ian Curtis story. And reading words written all about him by his wife is really opening up new avenues to what Ian was really like. It inspired me to write one of the songs I did last night, called "Letter To A Dead Idol". My thoughts have been missing from this site for a while (as in my old ramblings further down the page) so I may re-introduce them again soon. So my site takes another giant leap and the entries will once again become worthy of attention.

"i'm living in the ice age, i'm living in the ice age, nothing will hold, nothing will fit, into the cold, it's not an eclipse."

[1:45pm]

Thursday, November 4, 2004

Another day, another sun rising, setting and another moon appearing, disappearing. Can you wait? /lying mouth-27days/

The Soul Bearer:
[I'm pressed against the window pane. A thankless task is the burden I carry for everyone. I may be weighed down but I will not let all your feelings and worries drop. But you must not worry about me, for then my burden will become heavier.]

Today = All typed out. I've done a lot of typing today, what with replying to emails, updating my site here with the introduction to a new story, and I've also updated the lyrics page to feature three of this weeks written stuff. "Blurred Recognition" is a break from the norm. So it looks like Bush is on for another four years. Can't say I'm surprised. Personally I don't think it would have made a blind bit of difference had Kerry got in. I'll be going home now to do something. Don't know what yet though.

"chromatic i stand on the side of the road, watching for a car or truck so i can go, i've got to get myself out of this nothing place, i've been running around with a tied shoe lace"

[3:46pm]

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Overshadowed by the voting of the blind for fools. Either way things will not improve. So why not keep waiting for the more important aspects of life? Can you wait? /lying mouth-28days/

Awaking to the sudden realisation that music is all I live for and that I cannot keep my eyes closed for the pain it brings. What should I do?

Today = Out of money. I used the last of my vouchers today. I bought Shrek 2, two Beach Boys albums on one disc and a Placebo album. So now I have nothing. Except all of the things I've bought. I'll be starting a new story tomorrow. It will take place underneath the countdown.

"we ain't going to the town, we're going to the city, gonna track this shit around, and make this place a heart, to be a part of"

[3:47pm]

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

Right now you think that it's perfection. I'm not saying it isn't... no-one can believe that the time is coming. Can you wait? /lying mouth-29days/

Today = Defeated. I was beaten by the buying public. They managed to snap up every copy of the new GTA game within one and a half hours of HMV's opening time. So no GTA for me, just a copy of Pet Sounds and the New Dominion Tank Police DVD. I can wait for GTA... but not for too long.

"i once had a dream, so I packed up and split for the city, i soon found out that my lonely life wasn't so pretty"

[5:14pm]

Monday, November 1, 2004

So much to get through before the arrival of the solution. Answers will be revealed and lies will be brushed aside. Can you wait? /lying mouth-30days/

Today = Ummm. I haven't really done anything today. I woke up, left my house, returned to Sunderland and am awaiting my lecture. Then after that, I won't be playing GTA: San Andreas because it was sold out everywhere! I was hoping to spend the gift vouchers my mum gave me as an early Christmas present but GTA is all I want and I have to wait. How long I have to wait I don't know. My landlord is getting impatient for his money, but he'll just have to wait until I actually have money.

"all your love is gone, so sing a lonely song, of a deep blue dream, seven horses seem to be on the mark, yeah, don't you love her, don't you love her as she's walkin' out the door?"

[4:43pm]

Saturday, October 30, 2004

How much will be true, how much will be faked? Time can tell, but we cannot. A documentary of immense proportions. Can you wait? /lying mouth-32days/

Sinking sinking sinking sinking. When will I float? Or will I just keep sinking? There's a funny taste in my mouth and I fear for my life. A lump in my throat, a knife in my back. So this is what it means to be honest.

Today = Starting a countdown. Yup, I've decided to keep a counter going for when Lying Mouth is released, or at least shipped to the pre-oderers. And that's all of you, right? It better be. I've written four tiny paragraphs of story entitled "LiesMakeUsEvil". However, this name is not my own, and the stories shall be delivered to someone who may or may not wish to use them at a future date. The stories are no longer my own thanks to the laws of our country. But that's fine with me as long as the person likes them. I'll be emailing them to him on Monday. I thought I'd type a bit today because I won't be on the "interweb" tomorrow. That's what you get for going home for the weekend to a place that doesn't have a library with 24 hour access and Sunday opening. Have yourselves a lovely weekend. Don't let the evil spirits take you away to the netherworld.

"flies are buzzing round my head, vultures circling the dead, picking up every last crumb, the big fish eat the little ones, the big fish eat the little ones, not my problem, give me some, you can try the best you can, if you try the best you can, the best you can is good enough, if you try the best you can, if you try the best you can, the best you can is good enough"

[12:53pm]

Friday, October 29, 2004

It's coming. Hold on tight, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Are you sure you can handle this much information? Too much at once could annihilate you completely. Everything will be, once and for all, in its right place. /lying mouth/

Today = Anticipating. As you can probably tell, today's site entry is dedicated to The Most Gigantic Lying Mouth Of All Time. Pre-ordered copies can be ordered until the end of November. Hopefully by then I will be able to afford a copy. Twelve pounds seems like a fair price to me. Consume, consume, consume! Obey the media!

"you and whose army, you and your cronies, you forget so easy"

[1:26pm]

Thursday, October 28, 2004

I just wanted a place to put all of the John tribute messages from musicians and others here, so they have somewhere to forever live. I hope this doesn't cause anyone annoyance.

Michael Eavis has said that he is going to re-name Glastonbury's new band stage as 'The John Peel' stage:
"Since it was announced this morning (Wednesday) my phone has been ringing non-stop about it - people are saying what a good ideas it is and how pleased they are."
"John's name will live in Glastonbury forever now, won't it?"
"I think he's going to lend credibility to the stage, not that we're short of musicians at the moment, but we may get the better known bands that want to appear and can't get on the main stages, you never know!"
"It's going to be a great fillip for the stage - it will improve the status and make it even more popular than it is at at the moment."

Damon Albarn, lead singer with Blur, was one of the first people to contact Radio 1 to tell us how much John will be missed:
"John Peel's patronage was for me, like countless other musicians, one of the most significant things that happened to us in our careers."
"The world is going to be a poorer place with his sudden departure. I will miss him deeply."
"I want to send my heartfelt sympathy to his lovely family. John's memory will never be forgotten because he had the spirit of music in him."

Peter Hook from New Order has also been in touch and told us that without John he doesn't think they would have made it:
"It was funny because he actually helped our career from nothing."
"We didn't meet him for a long, long time and one of our warmest memories is that he was just as nervous as we were about meeting him and as soon as you got together it was like meeting old friends."
"I mean the guy really was somebody who looked after you - he had a love of music and helped people who made music."
"He was the only support we had in the beginning - they were very cold and lonely days, and I've got an awful feeling that there'll be a lot of very lonely, cold, days without him ."
"It's a really sad moment - for music, for radio, for groups in general. I'd hate to be in a new group starting out without John Peel."

Elton John was in Las Vegas when he heard the news and issued this statement:
"John was always the champion of the new and unheard. Countless artists owe him so much for his enthusiasm, including myself."
"He helped me in the formative stages of my career and I will never forget his kindness and humour."
"Needless to say I was shocked and upset to hear of his passing. I hope Liverpool F.C. holds a minute’s silence in his memory. That would mean an awful lot."

John was a huge fan of Pulp and really championed them and at John's 60th birthday party, five years ago, Billy Bragg, Nick Cave and Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker all performed - Jarvis dedicated 'Help the Aged' to him.
Jarvis told us how much John Peel affected his life:
"It would be absolutely impossible to write a history of the last 40 years of the British music scene without mentioning John Peel's name. He was one of those few people about whom you could truly say that the world would have been a much different place without him."
"For many years he almost single-handedly championed new & challenging music in the U.K."
"Through his radio sessions he allowed unknown and unsigned bands to be heard for the first time. Through his work with the BBC World Service he brought some of those same bands to a worldwide audience."
"On the few occasions I was fortunate enough to meet him I found him to be a witty but quite a shy man who was completely unimpressed by the "razzmatazz" of the music industry - but who could instantly lay his hands on any obscure single you could mention hearing on his show whilst in your teens."
"My teens were when Peel was most important to me I guess: the local radio stations wouldn't play any 'punk rock' cos they thought it 'wasn't music'."
"One night in frustration I started tuning the dial and suddenly - bang! - there it was; I caught the end of an Elvis Costello track, heard the dry, slightly droney voice that followed and I was hooked."
"A whole new world opened up - stuff that you would never get to hear anywhere else and it was fun! It wasn't dry and academic - the monologues that invariably followed each song were often as entertaining as the tracks themselves (sometimes more so)."
"In a world that is becoming ever more homogenised and pre-programmed John Peel stuck up for the 'sore thumbs' of the music scene and I really can't think of anyone who could have done it better or who's going to do it now he's gone."
"I will miss him greatly and my utmost sympathy goes out to his friends & family."

Peter Hooten, from The Farm, rang Briggy from Wales where he was on holiday with the kids - and described what a great family man John was and that whenever John visited him, he would stay at Peter's mum's.
He also said it was a total honour to have John's support:
"The Holy Grail was the 'John Peel Session' - no doubt about it."
"Not only did you get airing on Radio 1, he paid musicians union rates, which was unusual."
"He was so totally instrumental on so many bands - in fact Briggy I'm finding it hard to talk."
"It is a total shock to me - you just expected him to go on forever didn't you?"
"Put it this way - John Peel was the opposite of phoney."

John Taylor from Duran Duran offered his condolences.
"What a tragedy that British Broadcasting Legend John Peel has died, at the relatively young age of sixty five, of a heart attack, while in Peru. This could take a while to sink in;
"He was a fantastic man. An inspiration to so many generations of British youth. He was a creative mid-wife to so many suburban young, bringing sounds of the new and the avant to the ears of the great unwashed and (otherwise would have been) out of touch."
"There really has not been much good music that has not been sorted through the filter of 'Top Gear' and 'The John Peel Show' over the years. That he was a champion, to so much talent, from Marc Bolan and Rod Stewart, to The Prefects and Siouxsie and The Banshees, to The White Stripes and Pink Floyd, is well known, his 'Peel Sessions' series world famous."
"During my formative, teenage years, time spent in Mr. Peel's company would begin weeknights, at 10pm. Upon hearing the first few bars of his unmistakable theme tune, Grinderswitch's 'Picking The Blues'. I would turn off the lights and pull up the covers, and for two hours in the company of Mr. Peel I could get taken almost anywhere. All music became interesting and exciting in his hands."
"It is no exaggeration to say one would not be here without him."
"For your sense of humour, and your taste. And your absolute dedication to spreading the gospel of music. I shall miss you. We all shall all miss you."
"Bless you John, and thank you."

Ozzy Osbourne is another of the many artists who says he owes his career to John:
"It was a terrible loss to the music industry - he was a pioneer in his own right."
"If it wasn't for John Peel, Black Sabbath wouldn't have got played on the radio."
"A huge loss to music in general - he was a good guy."

Tributes have been flooding in all day - Thom Yorke from Radiohead said:
"Who am I going to listen to now? He's been my inspiration since I was 14. I'm thinking about you. Thanks John Peel."

And Gaz from Supergrass said:
"I was shocked to hear about John. I was fortunate enough to meet him and play a session at his home." "I remember we had a great conversation about Elvis that day & when I saw his record collection, it blew me away."
"He was the first to play our debut single 'Caught By The Fuzz' on the radio which I know brought us to people's attention."
"He was a big influence to so many. We'll miss him."

Over the years Orbital played many sessions for John, including their final ever gig, recorded in June this year.
We spoke to Paul who said he was constantly bumping into John and told me how important he was to their career:
"He was one of those people that you always look forward to playing your music to."
"He was like a musical grandad or something - he was the man you look forward to hearing your stuff."
"Every time you finished a good track you'd think, 'Oh, I can't wait to send that to John Peel' - let alone thinking about sending it to a record company or your fans hearing it!"
"He just influences you so much that you just want to keep playing him stuff and hoping that he likes it."
"Funny thing was that if you ever met John Peel you'd just love him for being this big, enthusiastic, friendly man."
"I just love him because he's just so enthusiastic and unpretentious and just loves good music, right across the board."

Guy from Elbow told us he thought they owed everything to John - he was the first to play them with the track 'Powder Blue' in 1997.
It was that air time that really got the ball rolling for them, so a very sad moment when they heard the news:
"We were in the studio this morning when we heard the news - we were all absolutely gutted."
"He's an amazing man - I only met him once but you felt like you knew him."
"It was due to him playing us that we got the attention we did in the first place."
"It's really sad that he's gone."

Super Furry Animals played a session for John just before he went on holiday to Peru a few weeks ago. Lead singer Gruff had this to say about John:
"I suppose the highlight for us was doing a session in his house, meeting his family and playing in his front room."
"He was enthusiastic about all the new records he'd had in and picked out an obscure death metal record for us to listen to."
"We'd just seen him a few weeks back so it was a really big shock."
"He's been such a champion of culturally diverse music - we were just saying nobody thought he was ever going to die - we thought he'd be around forever."

Franz Ferdinand, who were huge John Peel fans, paid their own special tribute to John.
They finished off their gig at the Manchester Apollo, the day after John died, with their version of his favourite song - The Undertones 'Teenage Kicks'.

John's influence and appeal is demonstrated by the fact that even Prime Minister Tony Blair has added his voice to the tributes pouring in:
Mr Blair's official spokesman said the premier was "genuinely saddened by the news".
The spokesman went on to say:
"His view is John Peel was a genuine one-off, whether on Radio 1 or Radio 4. He was a unique voice in British broadcasting and used that voice to unearth new talent and different subjects and make them accessible to a much wider audience."
"The Prime Minister knows he will be missed by everyone."

"wanna hold you, wanna hold you tight, get teenage kicks all through the night"

[4:31pm]

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Slowly we are all open-eyed to the truth [and dissolved by the illusions of the media]. Finally we understand what all the fuss has been about [but not for long as another advertisment erases all our memories]. We can live safely in the knowledge that we can never be fooled again [drink the water, it alters your brain patterns and makes you believe what they want you to].

Today = Conspiratorial? Judging by that ramble, I think that's how I must be feeling. I was hypnotised by frame-rates, polygons and gameplay last night. Until 6am. The tyranny wielded by a mere computer game can be deadly.

"but what if the pages stay pressed, the chapters unfinished, the stories too dull to unfold, does he ever get the girl?"

[4:04pm]

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Adventure Into Nowhere, Part II:
The air grows thin, as do I. There is no nourisment for anything but my soul here. I am being eaten away here, I need to grasp onto a new existence, perhaps an ethereal one. Flight seems so easy now, and I am flying. Descent seems so easy now, and I am falling. Landing right back in this chair, and it is morning again. A fuss over nothing, I need no help. I need no assurance. I need nothing from anyone. And yet, despite my craving for solitude, I enjoy the company of many, but not all at once. Hearts were never my strong point, and I never handled them professionally. Forever an amateur. I am only equipped to deal with my own heart, and even then I sometimes falter. But when eternal sleep calls to me, will I finally be at peace or will I torture myself some more? Here is the fairytale ending you all wanted, the evil is banished from the kingdom. The only way I could seem sweet now is if I drip honey from every pore and speak in sugary terms. If I ever had any dignity or pride, I lost it long ago. Raise your hands and clap as I aw lowered down, a recluse to the end. And this, my few friends, is the end.

Life is such a deceivingly fragile property. It can be lost in the blink of an eye. Dearly loved can become dearly departed so suddenly. This kind of thought should make me want to cherish life and live every day to the full. However, all it does is feed my hatred for the world and life in particular. Something we own should not be so easily taken away from us. We need time to prepare and say our goodbyes, and this cannot be done in the space of one night. Life is a possession that we should only lose if we wish it to be lost. A huge decision is to be obviously made for when someone will die. Is it set from birth? Are we victims of fate? I refuse to be tied down by other forces, I want the free will to live and die as I wish. Unfortuanately, that may not be my decision. Which again leads me back to fate. If it exist, then we must take it as read that we cannot wangle or wrangle our way out of it. At the end of the day and the argument, we can only believe we are free if we excape from fate. Different beliefs lead to different lives, and different outlooks on life. Those who trust themselves to fate will live blindly, whilst those who shake off their superstitions also live blindly. However, there is a difference between following destiny and following your own path. Choose wisely, you may only choose once.

Today = All cried out. Much as I was close to tears in the library yesterday, I managed to hold them in. Until a news report came on the radio and the whole truth poured out through the airwaves. John being dead is still hard to believe, but at least I think all of my tears have been shed now. Sorry if there is a lot to get through today, I had a lot on my mind last night. Hence the second paragraph essay, which is titled "An Essay On Many Properties [Life vs. Fate]".

"it's a sweet sensation over the dub, i wanna situation, but don't wanna stop, it's the drugs for sober over the dub, with the sweetest inspiration, don't wanna stop"

[3:35pm]

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Right now = On the verge of tears. We have lost a legend. Mr. John Peel is dead. It certainly came as a shock to me and I felt the need to do a special update for him. A fantastic DJ and a fantastic man. I'm sure he will be greatly missed and never forgotten.

Jarvis Cocker

It would be absolutely impossible to write a history of the last 40 years of the British music scene without mentioning John Peel's name. He was one of those few people about whom you could truly say that the world would have been a much different place without him.

For many years he almost single-handedly championed new & challenging music in the U.K. Through his radio sessions he allowed unknown & unsigned bands to be heard for the first time. Through his work with the BBC World Service he brought some of those same bands to a Worldwide audience. On the few occasions I was fortunate enough to meet him I found him to be a witty but quite shy man who was completely unimpressed by the "razzmatazz" of the music industry but who could instantly lay his hands on any obscure single you could mention hearing on his show whilst in your teens.

My teens were when Peel was most important to me I guess: the local radio stations wouldn't play any "Punk Rock" cos they thought it "wasn't music". One night in frustration I started tuning the dial & suddenly - Bang! - there it was; I caught the end of an Elvis Costello track, heard the dry, slightly droney voice that followed & I was hooked. A whole new world opened up - stuff that you would never get to hear anywhere else. & it was fun! It wasn't dry & academic - the monologues that invariably followed each song were often as entertaining as the tracks themselves (sometimes more so).

In a world that is becoming ever more homogenised & pre-programmed John Peel stuck up for the "sore thumbs" of the music scene & I really can't think of anyone who could have done it better or who's going to do it now he's gone. I will miss him greatly & my utmost sympathy goes out to his friends & family.

"but if jesus comes to take your hand, i won't let go, i won't let go, i'm not cruel, and you're not evil, and we're not like, all those stupid people, who can't decide, which book to read, unless the paper, sows deceit"

[5:29pm]

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Adventure Into Nowhere, Part I:
I'll pay a visit to Loneliness Avenue to wallow in my sorrow at number 42. I'll sit in darkened rooms with a bottle of cheap wine and toast all of my failings. I will drink until the early morning and wake up bleary-eyed thirsting for more. I'll blink in the early morning light and stumble back to reality. It won't be too long before I go back to that avenue though. The decor in the lounge is hard to make out in the shabby light, but the chair is very comfortable and provides a good place to sit and mourn all of my lostor wasted hours. It is the place I love most, but all of my friends despise. I may consider taking up permanent residence there, the rent is cheap and the time is endless. All I need to fear is life and I can escape it there. There I am vindicated, stripped of sin, cleansed and left to my own dubious, self-loathing devices. There is no judgement except from myself. Occasionally there is the fear that I may run out of things to say or my supply of ink will disappear.

Modernity

Falling from our graces
Bringing down the skies
All these names and places
Drift by my open eyes
Understate our distress
Lifting up the sun
There has been no success
The failing has begun

Timing impeccable
Ripping down the stars
Almost commendable
Exploited by these cars
Clawing up the ladder
Bringing up some lines
A mystery holder
That meadow full of pines

a distressed sleeping pattern [that reminds me of something] another morning lost in the ether [and it still reminds me of something] and i stumble around in the light [tripping over my own worlds] eventually i find the door and begin another new life in another new day [realisation of my own destruction]

Today = Sleepy. Going to bed at 5am and waking up at 10am leads to site entries such as this. I'm putting yet more new lyrics in that usual place. Two of them are old songs that I've finished off. It would be interesting if people could distinguish between these two old style songs and my two new ones. I'd better go and type them up.

"lime and limpid green, a second scene, a fight between the blue you once knew, floating down, the sound resounds, around the icy waters underground, jupiter and saturn, oberon, miranda and titania, neptune, titan, stars can frighten"

[12:13pm]

Monday, October 25, 2004

A Story Involving That Old Line:
All decisions are final, no refunds given, unfairness is something you'll have to put up with. There was a point to all of this, but the author, the minds of many and myself have forgotten it.

The further I get washed out from shore, the more I relax. The less chance I have of being saved, the more comfortable I become. So tell me all about yourself.

Today = Not quite as miserable. Once again I find myself empty of words. Since nothing much has happened. I'm working on yet more lyrics, but I've been finishing a lot of my half-done songs off. The story involving that old line is over now, and a new story will begin tomorrow.

"upon arrival the guests had all stared, dripping wet and clearly depressed, he'd headed straight for the stairs, no longer cool, but a boy in a stitch, unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships"

[3:59pm]

Sunday, October 24, 2004

A Story Involving That Old Line:
All over the world, in all walks of life, the book exists. As such, the story will never die, just the people who experience it. Even people who don't experience it will expire. There was never a time where this was not true. If you say anything now it will be too little.

Being misunderstood is all part of being understood.

Today = Contemplating. Last night was a learning process for me. I went through a miserable moment whilst out with some friends, and one new person I'd met decided to label me a "miserable cunt" and then kicked me out of her house later that night. Merely for being there. I can appreciate this however, not everyone can deal with such a depressed fool around them. Especially people who are themselves insecure and can't handle others insecurities. Therefore I am not mad at the person in question. But I certainly have to stop going out.

"we're rotten fruit, we're damaged goods, what the hell, we've got nothing more to lose, one gust and we will probably crumble, we're backdrifters"

[4:16pm]

Saturday, October 23, 2004

A Story Involving That Old Line:
The words are not profound, but they are heartfelt up until the last chapter.This last chapter is where some people remain for most of their lives. They long to be stuck on the dizzying highs of the first chapter, but that stage can never be repeated.

True horror. "The merger between media and catalog reached a new high with the launch of the teen drama Dawson's Creek in January of 1998. Not only did the characters all wear J-Crew clothes, not only did the windswept, nautical set make them look as if they had just stepped off the pages of a J. Crew catalog, and not only did the characters spout dialog like, "He looks like he just stepped out of a J. Crew catalog," but the cast was also featured on the cover of the January J. Crew catalog. Inside the new "freestyle magalog," the young actors are pictured in rowboats and on docks- looking as if they just stepped off the set of a Dawson's Creek episode."

Today = Something or other. I just don't know today. I have nothing to say. It's a Saturday. There's some new lyrics at the usual place. Over and out.

"i don't want to own a key, i don't want to wash my car"

[3:17pm]

Friday, October 22, 2004

A Story Involving That Old Line:
For most, the story will never end until they are laid to rest. The people who need to be loved will never resist the book, they will tear the pages but the next day those same pages will have returned, waiting to be read again.

Actually, the only need I have now is the need to not need you. But nothing can change these little feelings, the ones that eat away at my soul. Chewing away at my mind, and soon they will devour me whole after an unhealthy diet on my heart.

Today = Busy. I actually dragged myself to a lecture this morning. Even though it doesn't start until eleven, I usually have difficulty waking up for it. Bah, me and my brain needing so much sleep. If my head was emptier, I'd wake up earlier. Anyway, I'm really proud of myself for getting to the lecture, and you should be too. I wrote two new sets of lyrics in the lecture, hence the "Busy" in the today section. I'll post them up along with my other two newest ones tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm adding a link to my links page. This link, to be exact. It's my old lyrics page, where some of you may see lyrics you haven't before. It's kind of higgledy-piggledy, but it's easy to navigate. Enjoy.

"faith, driving me away, you do it every day, you don't mean it but it hurts like hell"

[1:18pm]

Thursday, October 21, 2004

A Story Involving That Old Line:
So many people sell their lives to be with another, but all I want is my own life and my own version of the book. My ending may be lonely, but at least I won't need to go through the book more than once.

No matter how far you stretch, how much you want it, you can never reach it. That distance is just too great. Fate really has got something against us. But all I want is to need you now.

Today = Longing. Today I woke up at 7am. I have no idea why, considering I went to bed at 2. But obviously I shrugged it off and went back to sleep and woke up at 1pm. Much better. The way I came out of the dream was pretty weird though. I knew all along that it was a dream, and I just lay down on my side and opened my eyes to this real life on the same side I laid down on. Weird, but just another clue as to how my brain works. In many wrong ways.

"sunrise, sunset, go home to your apartment, put the cassette in the tape deck, and let that fever play"

[2:11pm]

Wednesday, October 19, 2004

Forget everything you have read here. Nothing you have seen will be of any benefit to you in the real world. They'll hold you down and will not release their grip.

Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

January
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking andproductive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious.

Today = Tired again. Had an averagely good night last night. But when I got home I realised that I had just wasted money. Take this site with a pinch of salt, I may not be like I am here in real life. The sad truth is, unfortuanately, that I am the same.

"friends don't waste wine when there's words to sell"

[4:53pm]

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

A Story Involving That Old Line:
Then the book is left to gather dust. Trying to ignore it. Yet you know that one day it will call to you, and there will be nothing you can do to fight the urge to open it up and start again.

Today = Satified yet lazy. I slept in for my lecture today. I hate it when I do that. But I've finally updated my story here so there's an accomplishment. And of course there all the quiz links I've poste too. So quite a big entry today. I'll try to keep it up.

"who said i lied because i never, i never"

[4:32pm]

Monday, October 18, 2004

People on buses come and go. You can meet the most interesting people then lose them forever. Relative forms of love. She left her work on seat I think. But was too pretty and I didn't dare tap her to tell her of her mistake. Regret slowly sinks in.

Today = Tired. Have a lecture in fifteen minutes. Yippee. I haven't been back to my house here yet, so still no new part of the story. There will be another part tomorrow though. Definitely.

"dance you fucker, don't you dare"

[5:47pm]

Saturday, October 16, 2004

A slight miscalculation that could lead to a downfall. Not that we'd notice.

Today = Silly. I've been awake all night watching Star Wars. I'm on Episode VI now. Then I may get some sleep done. Possibly.

"everyone has got, the fear"

[3:57am]

Friday, October 15, 2004

The story is on hold for now. I'm going back home for the weekend and I have left the story at my flat. Typical.

Soon it will happen. I will lose that which is the closest to me. I am ashamed that I didn't spend more time around them but it's too late now.

Today = Tipsy. I may have had a little bit of wine this morning. But these days the stuff doesn't affect me anymore. Don't worry about me, it'll only make me worse. I don't need people to worry about me, I just need people to spend time with me.

"i'm gonna pull you in close, gonna wrap you up tight, gonna play with the braids that you came here with tonight"

[12:24pm]

Thursday, October 14, 2004

A Story Involving That Old Line:
Hang the author, hang the story-writer, hang the storyteller, hang the sense of it all. The pages of the book, all so familiar. The usual nights spent reading it, and trying to rewrite the ending. It drags on and the ending is still just as you remember it.

We will all one day experience emotional pain. It's part of the awful thing known as life. A full week of happiness is impossible to achieve without staying indoors and pulling the phone line out of the wall.

Today = Don't Ask. Don't ask... please just don't ask. The second part of the story is above, and you've probably already read it. The lyrics section of my site is getting an update sometime today also. What did I say about not asking?

"when i swear it when i don't have a gun, no i don't have a gun, no i don't have a gun, no i don't have gun, no i don't have a gun"

[2:59pm]

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

A Story Involving That Old Line:
This old story will be told again. It's not a popular one, yet it is the most well known. Maybe the book should be burnt. However, even if that was done, the story and its effects would still not disappear.

[[[Shadows crack and fall apart
As light fills the room
It's easy to stop my heart
I won't be consumed

Answer the question so soon
I have held no words
From early May to late June
I heard all the birds

All of this repetition
Will now continue
Cancel your superstition
Grasp that greatest view

I know these few words are poor
But let me finish
If you do feel insecure
It will diminish]]]

Today = Contemplating. I went to town and looked around the shops. I have returned with nothing. I'm quite proud of myself yet distraught at the fact that I still have no money. Well, not much anyway. The story that started today will conclude throughout the rest of the week. It's going to be told in two parts, and the current part is the first part, "A Story Involving That Old Line". The second part is as yet unnamed, but it is written. I'll return tomorrow.

"tears drown in the wake of delight, there's nothing like this built today, you'll never see a finer ship in your life"

[2:08pm]

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

From Waste Of Paint to w.a.s.t.e. of paint.

"w.a.s.t.e will be releasing an exclusive Radiohead DVD.

Visit this link to Pre-Order : http://www.radiohead.com/gigantictvdvd/

Here's the story: After extensive and potentially dangerous negotiations with the renegade fugitive Chieftan Mews, we have finally recovered Episode Four of 'The Most Gigantic Lying Mouth of all Time'. Chieftan was cornered in an exclusive cocktail bar in Lucerne, Switzerland, where he agreed to surrender the elusive tape. He was, fortunately, very drunk, and our agents were able to escape from his clutches uninjured and in no way compromised by his ensnarements.

As a result, we are now able to offer you a DVD of the entire 'Most Gigantic Lying Mouth of all Time'; episodes One, Two, Three and Four.

Featuring hithertofore unreleased Radiohead music, some of the strangest films we have seen, and, possibly regrettably, Chieftan Mews' deranged 'introductions'.

We hope that you will take the opportunity to own a copy of this beautifully produced DVD, complete with original artwork by Stanley Donwood & Dr. Tchock, and sleeve notes written especially for this release by Thom Yorke.

The Most Gigantic Lying Mouth of all Time; twenty-four short films, with music by Radiohead. A W.A.S.T.E. release 2004."

Today = Stargazing. As you can probably tell, I got info about the new Radiohead DVD today. Looking forward to it just slightly. I've just partaken in quite a boring module called ELL123: Comparative Literature. Very dull. It was nice to get out of there and find out about lovely things. Like Radiohead releases. Keep cool.

"i'll laugh until my head comes off"

[12:13pm]

Monday, October 11, 2004

Rows upon rown of porcelain dolls. On closer inspection, they appear to be actual people, dipped in wax. Confusion spreads over my face until I realise the true horror of what is about to happen.

Today = Aching. Lo, the student loan saga continues. I am feeling just a little tired today, but I didn't go to bed until about 4:30am. Another week begins, soon to be over and replaced by another one. As soon as I get back home after my lecture this evening, I'm going to make some easy to make food then go straight to bed.

"that's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion, trying to keep up with you, and i don't know if i can do it, oh no i've said too much, i haven't said enough"

[3:22pm]

Saturday, October 9, 2004

Work ing in the dark ness to cre ate a new strain. A sto ry that can not be re told with out per mis sion. There may be a few gaps.

Today = Restless. And anxiously awaiting my student loan. There's till no sign of it and soon I may have to resort to panic. Getting ready for a night in with my music, I can't wait to turn out the lights, put the CD in and drift away into my own world with the chords and words. It's what I live for, and what I always have lived for.

"but if this is the hope i've been searching for, as the wings catch the sunlight of the cold nebraska sunline, this is the dream i am dying in"

[5:36pm]

Friday, October 8, 2004

Clearly this is a lost case. Open and shut, then locked up and thrown from an airplane.

Today = Tired. Not having the best of times really. But I'll survive. Sorry I haven't been typing much this week, I'm getting less energetic by the day

"nothing touches me man, these walls are three feet thick, wouldn't take one of them little drills to get through it, i try to make her listen, when i turn away she's split, i try to make her listen, when i turn away she's split, she went"

[5:36pm]

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

Today = hungover. Feeling ill. Haven't got money to pay landlord. Not on top of the world. I'll be back when things aren't blurry.

"i want a lover i don't have to love."

[3:12pm]

Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Today = absolute description of doing fuck all.

"i'm all dressed up for pride."

[3:32pm]

Monday, October 4, 2004

Blah blah blah, what do you want me to say?

Gone for good. Out to lunch. Back in ten millenia.

Today has involved me going to get my extra overdraft money and spending some of it already. Nothing too drastic though. Just two DVDs and a CD. I have my first lecture of my Uni year tonight. Should be fun. I'm off to mope around for a while now. Cheerio.

"a little bit of knowledge will destroy you."

[2:08pm]

Sunday, October 3, 2004

Out of words, out of sight, out of mind. But full of thoughts.

Don't turn them all against me. I need my space, I need my sanity. What's left of it is all I have left.

This weekend= party, drinking, hangover and aching eyeballs. Yesterday I went to a friend's house-warming party. There were many people and we were all doing rather silly/painful/ridiculous/sick things. No comment. Although I must make a note to myself: never again drink two pints of lager and beans. Alright.

"all the best deceptions and the clever cover story awards, go to you."

[1:55pm]

Friday, October 1, 2004

I remain a shut-in. These curtains have grown dusty and have been unmoved for weeks. Are people talking?

If there was ever one thing I was sure of, it was that everybody is wrong at least once. And welcome to the final judgement.

Finally remembered to bring the aformentioned lyrics to the library with me, so I will be sticking them on the Trespass page as soon as I have entered this little piece of NO DATA. I discovered (thanks to a friend, Peter) a wonderful anime called Hellsing. Really really good it was. And it has a cute ickle vampire in it. I'm a sucker for anime girls. I popped to the bank just before Peter left today and sorted my extended overdraft out. I will have an extra £150 by Monday. Just what I needed. Great! I may have to buy some alcohol to celebrate this fact. My emergency fiver needs not be for an emergency anymore! See you all tomorrow, when I'll have more sunshine stories and lollipop dreams.

"i don't understand where i'm coming from."

[1:57pm]

Thursday, September 30, 2004

The soothing chimes of the outside world. How I wish I could become acquainted with them. But being cooped up isn't all bad. There are benefits.

The world has indeed been turned upside down. But who can tell? Who can tell?

I have in my pocket my registration form for this year. Finally I can restart and do some work this time. All everything is relying on is my student loan cheque, which is still nowhere in sight. But as things usually work out, that's what I'm praying for this time as well. Anyone who missed the second episode of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy Tertiary Phase can catch the repeat on Radio 4 tonight at 11. And if you haven't even heard the first episode yet, get to the Radio 4 website and listen in! There's some lyrics of mine waiting to be put on to this site, but I keep forgetting them. I'll remember them tomorrow, now that there's less stress in my life.

"i would go out tonight, but i haven't got a stitch to wear."

[1:17pm]

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Only a few minutes ago, I decided I would go mad. And here I am already chasing a red chesterfield sofa.

Don't believe everything your eyes tell you. Maybe we are the flawed ones.

Last night turned out to be quite good. The Golden Virgins played the student club. They were fantastic! And to top off the good news, the brand new series of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy is fantastic. With (most) of the original cast. Fantastic. Douglas Adam's legacy continues.

"breathe, keep breathing, don't lose your nerve, breathe, keep breathing, i can't do this alone."

[1:35pm]

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Lost at sea. More lost than anyone else on the planet. All alone surrounded by blue. I could take time to admire this view, but instead I slowly starve to death.

Ignoring the sirens I continue to run. I don't want to believe what I saw, but I know I saw it. How is it possible for such horrors to exist?

I found out about the brand new Hitch-Hiker's Guide series yesterday! I've been trying to listen to it through Radio Player on the library computers, but my headphones being plugged in don't work. The show could be heard throughout the whole library. I'm going to try a different computer later. I'm going out to Manor Quay in Sunderland for the first time since June tonight. It's been so long since I saw everyone there. Wonder what it's going to be like?

"i've got a bad feeling about this, i've got a bad feeling about this, to hell with you and all your friends, it's on, i'm coming over but it never was enough, i thought it through and my worst brings out the best in you"

[12:59pm]

Sunday, September 26, 2004

When will I stop paying the price for feeling how I feel?

We'll rain down on you, bring you to your knees, we'll rain down some more, and break your hopeless pleas.

Not much has happened at all over the last few days. It's been scarily quiet. Something big is going to happen. I did get an email from my English tutor stating that I would have to redo the whole year. Which is fair enough since I did so little work. And today, I have so little to say... the day's lyrics say it all.

"vindicated, i am selfish, i am wrong, i am right, i swear i'm right, i swear i knew it all along, and i am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well, i am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself"

[4:31pm]

Friday, September 24, 2004

The end of an era, the beginning of a new age?

Or possibly can only feel one thing. And that is remorse.

Sigh. I feel awful today. I broke someone. As in I broke their heart, soul, spirit and trust in the world. I can no longer mope, no longer complain about anything, because I have made someone feel worse than I have ever felt. All I ever complained about was parental arguing and things that were my fault. These things are petty and my brain was just running on depression overdrive. Now when I look up, all I will see is my mistakes and my failures and my stupidity.

"and i can't help but feel, i could blow through the ceiling, if i just turn and run, and it wears me out"

[5:39pm]

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

I can assure you my absence was none of my fault. Please don't burn me.

What happens when you cannot feel anything at all?

It's been a hectic week, to say the very least. The finance department was no help at all. At least they won't be until I get confirmation of my loan coming through. My English tutor is doing his best to get me into University again, but I still don't know what the outcome of that is going to be. Anyway, here's what has happened since my last entry. Wednesday 15: back in Sunderland to see the finance department. She said that I could be allowed more time to pay provided that I get further confirmation of my student loan. Went back to a friend's flat and drank vodka then got lost in Sunderland for an hour. At night. Finally got back home and watched TV and made food. Thursday 16: still in Sunderland. Had a zombie day in my room. Watched Shaun Of The Dead, Night Of The Living Dead and a bit of Day Of The Dead. Then played Resident Evil. Friday 17: played Silent Hill, slept, did not much else. Saturday 18: went back home to the same old stuff. Had tea, went to work, got money, stayed awake until 3am. Sunday 19: normal day. Then parents started arguing pretty badly. Monday 20: parents still arguing. Mum leaves. I come back to Sunderland. Good timing. Tuesday 21: went to see English tutor about restarting my first year. He said he'd see what he could do.

"the last time, you fall on me for anything you like, your one last line, you fall on me for anything you like, and years make everything alright, you fall on me for anything you like, and I know I don't mind"

[12:48pm]

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

The words that they speak only make sense to them. So my words must be too much for them to comprehend.

Deathly silent. Maybe it's because of all the death. But what happens when we run out of life to kill?

Well I did drink wine. The whole bottle. And it didn't make me drunk at all. And this wasn't weak stuff, this was 11.5%. My liver is getting too used to alcohol. Which may pose a problem. I'll need to start drinking more to actually get drunk. Which means I'll have to spend more. Typical. Only one more day until my University appointment. Will I get back in? Will they kick me onto the street? It's like a really bad soap opera. North-eastenders. My student loan better have been approved, otherwise I'll have no way of paying anybody any money. And to get the cheque I have to be allowed back into Uni. And to be allowed back into Uni I have to convince the finance department that I will be able to pay the money back and me not being able to pay them back was beyond my control AND I also have to convince the English department that I will actually work this year and pass the year rather than disappearing after three lectures. I have a lot of convincing to do.

"i will stop, i will stop at nothing, say the right things when electioneering, i trust i can rely on your vote."

[1:52pm]

Monday, September 13, 2004

Having some need to drink every day. Sounds like a problem, works like a dream.

One by one we uncover the lies. There's so many of them we need to find a room to put them all in. The room seems to hold them all, but how long until someone opens the door?

I phoned the finance department. The woman on the other end of the line was quite possibly the only useful person on the payroll at Sunderland University. Anyway, we had a bit of a talk while she was looking for my registration number and when there was some free time for me to go and see Janice Hall. So on Wednesday at 2:30pm I will discover my fate. Or will be waiting to discover my fate. Should be immense fun. Aside from that, I plan to get completely drunk when I get home. I've got enough alcohol to do that. I apologise in advance for any stupid texts people receive later today.

"welcome to a new kind of tension, all across the idiot nation, where everything isn't meant to be okay, television dreams of tomorrow, we're not the ones who're meant to follow, for thats enough to argue"

[1:55pm]

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Hoping to die in some horrific accident. Baiting bad luck?

I'm lost and no-one can find me. This is because I wish to remain lost. Unknown. No longer necessary.

Well, I've printed out the form I need to fill in that explains why I haven't paid the Uni all of its money. I'm expecting the Spanish Inquisition at the interview I have to go to. The woman I have to go see holds all of my future in her hands and that makes me nervous. Whatever happens at that interview will shape the rest of my life. Nerve-wracking, I think so. I'd better phone them when I get back home to arrange the meeting. I may have written a few white lies on the form, but hey, if it helps my cause. Despite problems finally beginning to take the shape of problems that can be solved, I'm still constantly on edge. I've started chewing at my gums again. They hurt. Why can't I have a different nervous disposition, like... anything not painful? Anyway, I'll be back on Monday, with more heartache.

"i still love you girl from mars"

[1:24pm]

Friday, September 10, 2004

A constant need to be noticed, but coupled with a constant need to be alone. What the hell is wrong with me?

Cogito ergo sum. Yet thinking too much can cause a lack of existence. I believe therefore I'm endangered.

Hmm, finally heard from the University finance department through email. They've sent me a kind of "pay us back later but no later than mid-November" form. Maybe things aren't as bad as I thought. I have to phone them though, to make an appointment with the head finance woman to see if the payment can be transferred and if I am allowed back into Uni. And on top of that, I have to see my English tutor to see if I can redo the first year. Yippee, looks like a fun few weeks for me.

"fuck my face, fuck my name, they are brief and false advertisements for a soul I don't have"

[6:16pm]

Thursday, September 9, 2004

You think you're so funny dear. Well there's nobody else laughing. You think you're so elegant dear. Well nobody flocks around you. You think you're so badly done to dear. Well there are those worse off. You think you're so clever dear. Well that's a matter of opinion.

You want to be so special to all of us but we just haven't got the time.

Well, back to my old method of writing entries on the site. Lots of weirdness and then some social commentary/diary stuff from me. This month and last month I have had the equivalent of having my legs sawn off by a rusty saw and having cold blunt nails inserted into my eyes in my everyday life. It's been dull, boring, achingly awful and I still feel bad. I'm starting to sound like one of two things. 1- a cliche goth. The kind that everyone actually has a reason not to like or 2- a suicidal freak. I'll let you decide which one I am. But don't worry, I'm sure things will sort out for me. Hmm, another thing I've noticed about myself. Everything has to be about me! All the time! I've done this, I've done that. I'm right, you're wrong. I hate the person I am. I really do. I don't understand why I have any friends at all. I hate it when I invite the misery in right through my front door. I am at such a crossroads with myself right now. One minute I'm this way, the next I'm that way, and then before you know it I can't stand myself. Damn it damn it damn it. I can't believe how much angsty crap I've just written. I hate it. I need help.

"little boy kicked out at the world, the world kicked back, a lot fucking hard"

[5:53pm]

Wednesday, September 8, 2004

Silence has set over the web. Everything is quiet and nothing moves. Nobody says a word. It's too eerie for even me to comprehend.

There's something really complex about the stars. The way we can sit and watch them twinkle. Yet at the same time we know that those stars are so far away, even if we travelled for all of our lives we would still not reach them. This is the kind of information that makes me feel small and insignificant. Nobody can change the course of history enough to affect the furthest stars.

"you get six months to adapt, and three weeks to leave town, in the event that you do adapt, we still might not want you around"

[5:35pm]

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Someone has noticed the date mistakes starting on the 4th of September. Note what the topic was on that day. End transmission.

Why do you pin your hard life on me? I have nothing to do with it anymore. Live your own life out and leave me to lead mine.

The further you walk, the more you learn, the more dreary and neverending each day seems.

Let me lead the way with a dimming light. We may get lost but at least you believed in something, even if just for a while.

"look at the stars, look how they shine for you"

[6:22pm]

Tuesday, September 5, 2004

humanity should hang its head in shame for the crimes it has committed. the sentencing will begin soon.

The machine is rusting to a stop. The machine will soon be useless. The machine will crumble.

don't leave me high... new lyrics added to usual place

Look out for further, more useful, details later.

"holes in your head today, but i'm a pacifist"

[12:30pm]

Monday, September 5, 2004

lookslikeanothernightoffitfulsleepforme... oh no, not again

I'm trying to create another world within the freedom of words. At the moment all I'm doing is rambling. There must be a point to all this, it must be going somewhere and proving something.

Drink is indeed the curse of the working classes.

"when routine bites hard, and ambitions are low, and resentment rides high, but emotions won't grow, and we're changing our ways, taking different roads"

[1:25pm]

Saturday, September 3, 2004

Trying so hard to confuse one another. It's easy to do with a little practice.

Quoting from a quote that's already been quoted is all we can seem to do nowadays. Respinning a story that has already been spun is all they can seem to do nowadays. And so the circe continues.

Life is that annoying period that invades unconciousness.

"disjointed we scare ourselves with all that we wanna be, just got paid and now you're going, how long should you be, if i get scared, i just call you"

[2:01pm]

Friday, September 3, 2004

it's so beautiful up here... i don't ever want to land... new lyrics added to lyrics page

adjective:

1- The part of speech that modifies a noun or other substantive by limiting, qualifying, or specifying and distinguished in English morphologically by one of several suffixes, such as -able, -ous, -er, and -est, or syntactically by position directly preceding a noun or nominal phrase.
2- Any of the words belonging to this part of speech, such as white in the phrase a white house.

verb:

1- The part of speech that expresses existence, action, or occurrence in most languages. Any of the words belonging to this part of speech, as be, run, or conceive.
2- A phrase or other construction used as a verb.

"don't want to be krippled kracked"

[6:13pm]

Friday, September 3, 2004

Creating peace through mere suggestion. An achievement worthy of note. Applaud! Applaud! Fraud! Fraud!

There are no answers merely because there are no questions. Us humble people we need no comforting or wool pulled over our eyes. Just feed us with lies and we'll be fine.

Head in my hands, head in the clouds. Heart makes the plans, heart it does pound.

all in a line in a row in a box
all hidden from those eyesss
the ones that stare fromxxx over there>>
the ones that never blink
wearing that smile like an old #pair of socks
an image that you despise 8646
wake up get washed and brush your hair (controlled beings)
just try hard not to think
where are we all hiding?what are we hiding from?
hidden files and bad filing everything's all long gone
run run run never look back
run run run you're under attack
run run run avoid your fate
run run run clean the slate
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

"change, everything you are, and everything you were, your number has been called"

[1:39pm]

Thursday, September 2, 2004

My life has been a spiral of alcohol and sleep over the last few days. Relative normality will be resumed soon.

I'm an automated emotion generator. Gaze upon my shapeless form and pained face. I am nothing.

Left at the back, forgotten yet remembered. But for the wrong reasons. I need a break.

"if i could find you now things would get better, we could leave this town and run for ever"

[4:50am]

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Lacklustre attempts at keeping everybody else happy. But I can still crack a smile now and again.

Eyes down to the floor, hands to your chest.

Fly past me. Don't stop to ask how I am, it won't be worth the wait for the usual answer. No more for me. No more for me at all.

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	Manic-Depressive Man
Super Power	Mind-Reading
Enemy	The Gangsta
Mode Of Transportation	Giant Hamster Named Skippy
Weapon	Scissors
Quiz created with MemeGen!

"the good times are killing me"

[5:51pm]

Friday, August 27, 2004

I look over the peaceful scenery. The picturesque landscape. The beauteous view as I walk past it.
And I hate it all. Every single aesthetically pleasing piece of countryside. Every smiling face. Every being having more fun than me.

I'm still waiting for something that will help me escape. I just want a way out. Brutal or quick. Painless or instantaneous. A sudden blackout or a sheet of white. I don't know how to make things right. I never will. Feverish and tired, what can I assume?

Writing to everyone. A note of gratitude? For all the not so bad times? Scribbling for their benefit? A weasly self-beneficial piece of cry for help?

A whole new can of worms. Brick by brick I'll pull it down, strip it bare, lay it on the line.

Wasted on what? Wasted on empty minds? Wasted on the chance or opportunity to grasp a new reality for a few brief seconds? Briefly problemless yet emotionless. No pain, no fear.

Crack me open and pour out my fakeness, I can be real I swear it. If I try I can believe. But I can never make other people believe. Can I follow something else now? Something that moves slower?

Only one piece of me has been revealed. So many facets, so little time to search for them all.

They could own it all. Every scrap of land. Then what will we have? A whole area of nothingness to call our very own. I never asked for this, I didn't want a body, soul and mind handed to me. Waste of a mind. Useless to the world.

"backwards, into a wall of fire"

[9:54am]

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Further. An unimaginable distance. Somewhere that cannot be perceived by mere humans. Transcending to a new plain where there will be no emotions and no pain. Just a blank landscape.

If I ever had anything interesting to say, I believe I would squander the chance and instead write something for nobodies benefit. We'll all lose everything. We'll all gain nothing.

Let me go into the night in silence and leave things there. We could part and never meet again. We could never be anything. We can never be anybody. Lost and never to be found is what I'd like to be. So we start here.

Choking on your own opinions. We've waited for so long. You finally admit your mistakes and we still feel no different. An anticlimatic fall from grace. We expected so much more from you.

I slip into more and more tiredness. Sleep overwhelms my life. All I can do is keep on dreaming.

"everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

[5:56pm]

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

The more the world tries to make sense, the more intricate and impossible it seems. Imagine what it feels like to be finally able to understand everything, then try being me.

Insomnia creates a better reality for us all, a constant barrage of grey is much better than actually having responsibilites.

"we spies, we slow hands, put the weights all around yourself, we spies, oh yeah, we slow hands, you put the weights all around yourself"

[6:02pm]

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Underneath all the brickwork there is only more forbidden paths. Try to walk down them and you'll find no way to turn.

Lowly little worms that we are.

I feel buried alive by my feelings and thoughts. I can't escape my mind. All my escape routes are blocked.

"stones, taught me to fly, and love, taught me to lie"

[9:27am]

Monday, August 23, 2004

I don't think so. Don't laugh at me.

It's all on file. Every single detail. Every single word you say and move you make. There is no avoiding the imminent control that we are all under.

The more I seem to try, the worse I seem to make things. If I try to dig myself out, more soil caves in on me, burying me in my hole and preventing me from moving or breathing. But one day it will stop.

New lyrics added to the lyrics page. For your inspection.

"you'll follow me back, with the sun in your eyes, and on your own, bedshaped, and legs of stone"

[12:31pm]

Saturday, August 21, 2004

When things blur and your fingers shake, that's when things are going downhill.

I'm doing a bad impression of a human being with no problems whatsoever.

Taking too much time to decide, just what to do, just what to say, just what to believe.

Artist of the moment- Harry Webb. Lyrics in the usual lyrics place in my entries.

"finish your pint mate, I know it's hard to take but this pub is now closing, there's plenty more bars up the road"

[1:43pm]

Friday, August 20, 2004

I cannot see the future, maybe it doesn't exist. There is only darkness yet light.

The further you travel, the less everything seems to matter. The older you get, the less everything seems to matter. The more intelligent you become, the less everything seems to matter.

Up and down like a see-sawwas-ees a ekil nwod dna pU

Spinning in the wrong direction, can't you see that? Please tell me you can see it too.

People need not worry. I never directly refer to them anymore. All my thoughts and lyrics are inspired by me and me only. Me and my own messed-up little world that I live in. No-one can invade it and save me.

"we've been stiched up, molasses"

[1:19pm]

We knew that you'd come crawling back to us. You need us. You love us. You cannot live without us.

Devoid of emotion, with a smattering of painless pain. There is a way out for us, can you find it before we reach boiling point?

I feel like it's time you let me go. My breathing is becoming stunted and I need space. I need time. I need to be alone. I don't need anyone else. I don't need anyone telling me what to be and what to do. I do what I will. I do it when I want.

"let down and hanging around"

[6:31pm]

Checking the meters... you never know when there will be a failure.

Fatal error, there is no going back now.

"should we move on or stay safely away?"

[6:42pm]

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Discharging my responsibilities, crouching low after doing so. If I keep down, I will not be seen.

We heard you the first time there's no need to repeat yourself. We herd you the first tyme there's no knead too repeet yurself. We harre us ti furst thyme thier's know neeede two repeete ourshelf. We heard you the first time there's no need to repeat yourself.

We fear no worldly terrors, we just face them then tremble with fear. Lost in our own minds. Locked up in our own conciousness.

"this is the crisis i knew had to come, destroying the balance i kept"

[11:01am]

Monday, August 16, 2004

You couldn't be here. It's not only a virtual impossibility, it's a moral impossibility. Go back. Go back.

Finding a face that doesn't exist anymore. A side of me that no-one sees. A darkened perspective that clouds over my mind. Beware.

Darkness is the stealer of light. But light always returns. The ticking of a clock is the sound of time being stolen. Never to return.

"she lives with a broken man, a cracked polystyrene man, who just crumbles and burns"

[11:38am]

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Leaning towards a new direction. A new hope that shines brightly in our faces. We shine on and gaze hopefully up at the sky. Then, swiftly and brutally, we are kicked back down, waiting to lean towards a new direction.

Curtains hung askew, ready to drop from their suspension and reveal all to the world. What does lie behind the curtain? The gentlest of touches is all it takes.

Fumbling around in the dark trying to find that one elusive item. It doesn't fall into your hands, it must have fallen into the hands of the enemy. Find the target, destroy it.

Fighting a war we did not want, finding answers we still cannot see and telling us it is all OK. We stopped believing you a long time ago.

"and i felt like i fell from a balance beam, a gymnasium of eyes were all holding on to me, i crossed one foot to pass the other and i felt myself slipping, it was a small mistake, sometimes thats all it takes"

[11:58pm]

Saturday, August 14, 2004

I've got a lack of spark today. No thoughts, no vision.

Alarm. Repetitive buzzing. Endless wondering.

"no life at all in the house of dolls, no love lost, no love lost"

[3:44pm]

Friday, August 13, 2004

Or as my computer would have it with it's keyboard, 'iday, Auust 13 2004'.

Hubcaps spin around, the bonnet is lodged into the lamppost and the diver is nowhere to be found. All that is left is the smouldering wreckage. And the? dancinggg

Inspired by the things in life that do not cause inspiration. Thus negating their own existence and destroying the very fabric of the universe. It will all fit into the palm of your hand, my friend.

The sun rose. and we all thought what a lovely sight and we all rejoiced for the new day and then we all decided it would be a good idea to evolve and thats when things began to go wrong

If you believe this, you'll believe anything. Tell another story to your friends about your last night out. Slap another monetary note down on the counter and get that last drink in. Stumble. Go home start grinning at everyone.

"if i could be who you wanted, all the time"