Looking to the left and then to the right. Running down hallways frantically looking for a way out of this roofed maze. Through one door and then through another. Sometimes there is nothing on the other side, sometimes there is just multiple other doors. One day you will find the entrance, but that day may come too late.

One light out of three is lit. The other two have been dark for what seems forever. They activate the parts of my mind that I haven't used since I lost my childhood, lost my innocence. When I was introduced to the world as it really is. These light are not just out, they are broken and beyond repair.

Today = Snowed-in. It has been snowing and snowing non-stop here. Thanks to the surfaces already being wet though, there is no snow on the ground. Not much has really happened today. I found out that Handsome Boy Modelling School have a new song and album coming out. The song is called World Gone Bad and it features Del The Funky Homosapien and Alex Kapranos. I'm quite excited. [I hope you are OK]

"it's everything i wish i didn't know, but you give me something, i can feel"

[6:38pm]

Saved by the hand of someone you never trusted. Do you give them thanks? Do you see in them a part you never saw before? Or do you continue on in your quest to destroy them completely?

Wherever you go the scenery is the same. Endless stretches of blue. But you can see blackness in the distance. That's what you're aiming for. Maybe it will be peaceful there.

Today = Begging. I am back in Bishop. I got £70 from my mum since I had no money of my own left. I missed a seminar today, and I did skip two yesterday. There's no point in going when I don't have what I need. As in the textbooks. But with the money I got, I might be able to change that. I feel so much better in this library back home. People have been saying things about Bishop. I don't understand why so many people hate the place. I mustn't have had as bad an experience as certain people. And living so close to the countryside helps too, I love Bishop. [I hope you are OK]

"i asked a question, you couldn't comment, a to b, forget the question, think nothing of it"

[6:31pm]

A trite conspiracy. Nothing can be done about what they want to do to us, just sit back and accept the punishments they deal out to us. We don't understand why they want to befriend us.

Flailing your limbs will achieve very little. The grasp is tightening and soon your air supply will be cut off. The last thing you see will be the eyes, those eyes that you've feared since the very beginning.

Today = Laying low. I went to my first two lectures today, and I'll be running to my next one soon. But I think the seminars will be skipped. It depends on how much I think I can learn from them, because at the minute I'm learning very little from my lectures and my seminars. University is looking more daunting by the day. I don't think this can last much longer. But it has to, I can't just leave. Much as I'd like to. [I hope you are OK]

"i can deal with all the blood on my shoes and the holes in my soles, my spirit is tainted all my tears are painted"

[12:53pm]

But what about walking down the street? It feels like you're floating rather than placing one foot in front of the other. No energy expenditure, just a slight feeling of breathlessness. How could something like this be? Thee is no explanation, but still we all search for one. Pointless exertions of energy.

An epigram to halt the nations. Something that can make everybody stop what they are doing and lay down their weapons. Untimely, but surely an answer can be found. We can't give up on the hope that one day we will all be free of these terrible things that we see.

Today = Into a routine. I hate every day being the same. Wake up, go to the library, go back home, watch DVDs, go to bed. I want something exciting to happen, and I know the only way I can achieve that is by making something happen. But I don't have the motivation to do so. I'll be going back home to Bishop on Thursday to get money from my parents. I'll make the most of being back in Bishop. Might record some more new songs. [I hope you are OK]

"walk the fields and we stare the ocean, roll the wheel but forget the notion, life was better before was smaller, the minds computer will fuck the world up"

[1:06pm]

It goes on and on, a neverending circle. If you don't believe, then don't comment. You have nothing to say, your words mean nothing. Astounded that you have any friends, such a petty thought. At the end of this day, you will be revealed to us all. We can never hold you as anything, but a person in the background.

Nothing at all can change the things we see. Our view can be blurred and images can be rearranged, but it will still be the same picture. When it's all gone, that is when we will all understand.

Today = Exposed. Well, the results from my first semester got sent back to Bishop. And my mum opens my mail. So now my parents know how crap I have actually been doing. But after a little persuasion, my parents have been calmed and my mum is trying to hunt down some books I need. I don't know how I managed to miss doing my update yesterday, I was on the net, I did everything else, I just forgot about this. So I'll be doing an extra update on Sunday again. I've got back into my writing mode again, so there are three new songs up. Go forth and trespass. [I hope you are OK]

"when i'm feeling lazy, it's probably because, i'm saving all my energy to pick up when you, move into my airspace, move into my airspace, something's coming over me, i see you in the doorway, i cannot control the part of me that swells up when you, move into my airspace, move into my airspace"

[12:55pm]

As if you know me, so impersonal. I have made mistakes, but everyone has. It's not hard to guess, some of the things I've done. Just walk away, I'm reloading my gun.

Night fell within the space of ten minutes. That seemed to me to be the scariest fact of all. We are controlled by time, controlled by the environment we live in. We don't rule each other, that isn't possible. Nobody has the power to stop anybody else. We are merely a species, nothing more.

Today = Relieved. My housemates weren't openly annoyed about my plans to move. They can talk about me all they want behind my back, I mean I won't hear it. And if I move, it's not like I have to see them again. I may have spent money I don't have spare today. But fortuanately, my parents are on hand to lend me a little money. It should keep me going, at least I'll have enough to go to the Bright Eyes gig. Although I'm still contemplating just sending the tickets to my friend and telling him to take a friend. We'll see. [I hope you are OK]

"the winning days are gone, because i know just where i'm seeing, was giving as i know, i can't hear, cause underneath there's gold, ill need to get around to find it, when i wanna go, i can dream, i've been trying, all my time"

[5:41pm]

Messages so far into the night, coming through loud and clear. Such a stereotypical view, it's hard to believe people like this still exist. Smashing the machines to pieces just to escape the words, the words that nobody can believe.

You look so confused. This is not a test, it's merely a selection of words designed to keep people reading. But one day maybe things won't be so clear. The people who wait for that day will not be disappointed.

Today = Moving on. I didn't go out last night, I just sat around and talked to my future housemates all night. Yes I am now moving after all. I was convinced finally because when I'm in my friend's house, time goes by so fast. I actually have fun there. I wouldn't just sit around bored there, there would always be someone around to talk to. So moving would be a good idea. Now I need my current housemates to find a replacement for me. I've already done my usual thing of making it seem like a small deal, and have said that I won't make any decisions until they have found a replacement for me. I mean, I could just move anyway, but I can't really do that. If there's no replacement, there's no move. [I hope you are OK]

"call me back when word is that she's gone, cat like thief she stole air from my lungs, leave me standing on this lonely grave, i dug it out in case she turns away"

[12:24pm]

Not all things that are written must make sense. There are more and more radical ways of writing emerging now. Stop trying to control the English language, it is a tool that has many functions not yet tried out or discovered. Experiments must be carried out, and new ways of utilising the language have to be found.

Burn it all, cinders. Ashes of things we used to own. ]understanding?[]happiness?[]confusion?[ fly awayyy to the new land. your wings have yet to be clippped, you can stil take flyt. have you been weighting for thiss?

Today = Advertising. For those of you who haven't yet, I suggest you check out my new page. I plan to add more to it next Monday, and hopefully every Monday thereafter. Maybe. I have some new lyrics to put up too, which I'll do tomorrow. I'm going out tonight. And on my shoestring budget, that's not easy. But I guess I could have nothing to drink and just pay the £1.50 to get into the union club. [I hope you are OK]

"i get on the train and i just stand about now that i don’t think of you, i keep falling over, i keep passing out, when i see a face like you"

[12:36pm]

He has such a flagging sense of responibility. Why should it be up to him to deal with this problem? He begins to walk away, but a hand grasps him firmly but not threateningly by his shoulder. Still he nearly jumps out of his skin. He is a nervous bubble ready to burst, and now he has a lot to do.

Snow that seems neverending cascades from the sky and paints the city white. Cars disgrace the scene by turning the soft flakes into muddy sludge, but travel to the fields and you will find fresh crisp snow, and you'll find it hard to be unmoved by the scene.

Today = Psyching myself up. I've got to get myself more awake before my lectures start. They bore me to tears usually, but today I'm really tired. Plus I'm going to get roasted by all my tutors asking where I've been for two weeks. Obviously I have an excuse, but it's not the best start to my attempt to pass this year. I really have to get myself into a working frame of mind, but I just don't think I have the capacity. I need to do something, I need to get organised! Get it together, get it together, get it together. [I hope you are OK]

"i just don't care about the evening news, i never listen to the crackhouse blues, i wanna be with what the people see, i wanna dance with emily"

[10:28am]

He opens his eyes, awake from dreamless sleep. He sees that his sheets are everywhere but over him. He knows this is the kind of day when one of his shirt buttons will come off, and the water from the bathroom taps will be too hot or too cold. And today will be the kind of day when he will walk purposefully down the street and then trip over walking past the bus stop queue. He sighs, sits up, then twists his body around so that his feet are on the floor. He has a cramp in his left leg.

The city looked like it was ready to evaporate into nothing. The rain seemed to be washing it away, like a freshly painted landscape having water poured on it from above. Sights like this cannot be bought.

Today = Wordy. After reading much Douglas Coupland (see Generation X, Microserfs, Girlfriend In A Coma, All Families Are Psychotic) I've been practising his style of writing. Describing things down to the detail without actually using any everyday images. He's a fantastic writer. I plan on reading some more of Generation X when I get back home, and I also plan on eating something. [I hope you are OK]

"if you leave, don't leave now, you always said we'd meet again somehow"

[12:20pm]

Thinking causes lapses of memory. Suddenly all that information you once held has melted away and all you can think of is the things around you. Shake your head, shake the memories back into place.

Already the last rays of sunlight are ebbing away. This will be the last time we see the light. Perpetual darkness, the end of the world. Expecting for the whole world to be sucked into a black hole any minute. The screams have already started.

Today = Uplifted. It's surprising how beautiful Sunderland can look when the sun is shining on it. It becomes easy to overlook the excessively high crime rate and dilapidated housing when the sun is out. Apart from that, nothing's happening. I've decided to live in the same house as I am now next year. I've started watching Noir again, and I'd forgotten how much I'd enjoyed it the first time. [I hope you are OK]

"in honesty, it's been a while, since we had reason left to smile, hello sunshine, come into my life"

[12:28pm]

I have a mindscape so constricted, I can't think of anything but failure and the looming of the future. What awaits me there, when I have nothing and nobody? Dropping endlessly towards an unknowable goal.

Thanks to the way things turned out, I'm now dying. Not in the literal sense, more like the metaphorical sense where we're all dying. How every day we die a little more. What about the people who have already died? They cannot die more, only in our memories. Do we punish ourselves for what happens to other people? Or are we more self-obsessed than that? People who have died do not need to be held on to. Flowers on the grave, solemn moment. Never again.

Today = Empty. One of those days where nothing seems to matter and there is nothing to do. I should have stayed in bed. I won't achieve anything today. [I hope you are OK]

"killed a man for his giro today, he wasn't very gay, i didn't mind, i was a money man anyway"

[1:14pm]

Just trying to think those things makes my mind go to places I'd rather it wasn't. I'd be better off never thinking at all, never thinking if I can help it.

Looking out of the hotel window. The landscape here looks like it belongs in a sci-fi movie. The desert in the distance looks cruel and uninviting, but that's where I'm headed anyway.

Today = Going through various stages of being hungover. Maybe I had too good a night last night. I only had one bottle of wine and a bit of another. I was totally out of my head. But I remember dancing, and eating an overpriced cheeseburger. And then after getting home, I discovered that out of my £14.20, I had £1.60 left. Ah well, the prices to pay for a good night! [I hope you are OK]

"i saved myself for someone somewhere's sweet caress, something goes wrong, and all i sought was happiness, and so, in right wing fashion, we'll nurture xenophobia"

[1:54pm]

Everyone wonders where time goes after it has passed. Does it flow down the drains? Does it join to the sea? Does it just disappear, never to be regained again? Looking into the past is looking into non-existence.

A slight change in the atmosphere can be detected. A pin drops. We all turn to look at where it landed and made such a terrible noise. This isn't the best start to the year.

Today = Ready. I'm going out tonight. I decided that since I came into a little money while I was back home that I may as well have one more decent night out. I am still feeling a little irritable though. It's all these people ripping apart Franz Ferdinand's live performances. They were excellent when I saw them. They were better than the band I actually went to see that night, Hot Hot Heat. The people who have been going against Franz are more musical than me though, so I guess they must be more right than I am. But I don't care, I love Franz. Forgot to mention yesterday that I have some new lyrics up. Trespassers will be abandoned. [I hope you are OK]

"are you hoping for a miracle, it's not enough"

[3:43pm]

This will be the day we all change. For the better or for the worse. Anticipation? Surprise? Shock? Horror?

Keep an eye out for the people who are not us. They will never fit in with our perfect regime. The world we want and the world they want are two very different things.

Today = Still irritable. I don't know, I'm still feeling like I could kill someone any minute. I'm all tensed up. Why I'm not sure. I think maybe a little sleep therapy is necessary. [I hope you are OK]

"i swear i never meant for this, don't look at me that way, it was an honest mistake"

[2:45pm]

It's the end of the world as we know it. So why don't I feel fine?

Under the hammer, under the knife. The real faces behind the repression regime are hard to see. They are not who we see on television and they are not who we think they are. We're in for a long search.

Today = Losing My Temper. I don't know, I just seem really irritable lately. People say one word that I feel is out of place or too far against my word and I'm just losing it. If I stay this way, I may lose people. But I guess I can't change my mood that easily. Watch yourselves. [I hope you are OK]

"i'm running from the city lights, i'm running from this empty life, i'm running out of time tonight, i'm screaming out for 'help! help!'"

[3:46am]

Sometimes it is right to covet the things that belong to others. When they have gained it through ill-means, or through misjudgement. Covet and steal. It will all be mine.

There are cracks in the pavement that I must avoid. If I put that foot wrong, I'll lose my balance and my mind. Let me concentrate on getting past the hardest parts.

Today = Celebrating. Well, most of the other winners at the Brits were acceptable. Franz Ferdinand, two awards. Scissor Sisters, three awards. Keane, two awards, both of which were stolen from either Franz or Muse. Green Day, no awards. Scissor Sisters stole all of them. Gwen Stefani, one award. And a surprising win too. Well, it was a good night, and I enjoyed it. Probably the best Brits so far. Even Robbie's win became slightly more acceptable when Matt Lucas and David Walliams presented the award. [I hope you are OK]

"i ain't got nothing to be scared of, i was born out of love, it's the only way to come into this world"

[5:40pm]

Undermining the true genius. The cheap rehash is the thing that always wins. Or even the totally different. Confusion and anger are part of the same emotion.

Every breath you breathe. I don't care about it. Every word you say. I don't care about that. Let me care about me for a change.

Today = Back. Well, I think I'm over the worst of my pain now. So I'm making a flying visit. I'm getting ready for the Brits. I already know that Robbie William's song "Angels" has been vited the best song of the last 25 years. This is still confusing me. So Robbie is better than Joy Division? Robbie is better than anything else since 1980? I am confused. Angry too. Confused and angry. And thinking that despite all the good acts that are performing there, the Brits is still not up to much. If all the other awards turn out moronic, I will be less than amused. [I hope you are OK]

"oh my god i can't believe it, i've never been this far away from home"

[6:17pm]

The mind can be strong, but the body can still be weak. Immune to words but not to the effects of the air. So think hard, it may be all we have left.

Years of searching and not one conclusion. I must be missing something, somewhere.

Today = Saying farewells. My doctor told me that I have mumps. Which means I shouldn't even technically be on the net now. But I had to come on to say my goodbyes. I may be gone for a week or even more. And I obviously can't return to uni until I'm clear. So no updates here, and no emails. I'm entrusting the site, or at least the guestbook, to my usual visitors for a while. Have fun. [I hope you are OK]

"if it all ended tonight, know that i wouldn't mind, back to the good old times, four in one"

[6:37pm]

It can only be bad news when someone like me gets hold of an idea like this. Nobody would escape the things I have to say, I would put everyone in their place. All I need to do is remember what it was I thought of.

Put a new twist on my words? But what about the mental copyrights that are being broken? Did I break them first? Who gave who permission to reiterate what I had already said? And who gave me permission to write here?

Today = Pain? Well, I didn't wake up in agony this morning. There is still a throbbing, but now it's something that's just an irritation rather than something that makes me want to bang my head on the wall and cry. Still, this seems to be something that can only be solved by seeing a doctor. Unfortuanately my doctor is back in Bishop, and I'm here in Sunderland. Fortuanately, I'm going home on Wednesday so I'll sewe him then if the pain is still lingering. Unfortuanately, that's three days away. But I'll live, I've managed so far. It's just I can't eat much since I can't open my mouth very wide. I haven't even been able to yawn for three days! OK, that's more than enough complaining for one day. [I hope you are OK]

"while you make pretty speeches, i'm being cut to shreds"

[1:52pm]

A house built to house my memories, it would need a large attic. The dust would gather over my failing mind, and leave me with the present. The past is being erased, the future doesn't exist.

But the lack of money is worrying. I can't afford these things I have bought, a bitter trail of broken hearts seemed like a bargain but cost me dearly.

Today = Still in constant agony. Second day of utter pain for me. I went to sleep with a slight pain, and woke up with unbelievable pain. It's calmed down a little now, but I don't think I can take it for another day. I wish I knew what it was that was wrong. It could be a wisdom tooth coming through, or maybe my ear is blocked further inside, I don't know. I just want it to stop. I wrote quite a few songs last night, but I've put some relatively old ones up in that damned usual place. [I hope you are OK]

"so this is how it feels to be lonely, this is how it feels to be small, this is how it feels when your word means nothing at all"

[12:50pm]

Through the dull aching, I can see a way out. But I have to clutch at my head, the pain is cutting through my feelings, leaving only raw emotion.

The next stage must be the loss of sight. Losing senses one by one as a punishment. But a punishment for what? What have I done that is so terrible?

Today = In constant agony. I've had very restless sleep. I got an earache at around 9 last night, which has, in the last 14 hours, become a pain down the whole left side of my face. And there is a definite headache starting too. There's no way I can stand much more of this, I feel awful. My eyes are slowly starting to blur too. I can handle emotional pain, but physical pain is where I draw the line. What the hell is wrong with me? [I hope you are OK]

"somebody told me, that you had a boyfriend, that looked like a girlfriend, that i had in february of last year"

[11:25am]

I'm busy, don't disturb me. I can't lose my concentration, stop hovering over my shoulder. No, I don't have any time. I need to finish!

Would it make any difference if I stayed in bed?

Today = Unceremonious. I missed a day of entry yesterday, mainly due to the fact that I was sat in the dark playing Silent Hill 2. I got pulled into it's web of horror and mind games again and didn't leave the house all day. I'll put an entry in on Sunday to make up for it. The Emma that was going to move into our house is no longer moving in. So we still have a spare room. Only the broken-hearted need apply. [I hope you are OK]

"another sunny day in californ-I-A"

[11:42am]

I'm watching that clock. I said I'd leave spot on the hour, and I have to do that. If I'm a second late I'll be tearing my hair out. What have I forgotten? Something, I know it. Rush around like a madman then finally leave just on time.

I just don't want to talk. I don't want to look at anyone. No, I don't want a hug. Just leave me alone. If I was any colder I'd freeze everything around me.

Today = Question mark. I don't know. Nothing's really happened. We have a new housemate all sorted out. We now have two Emmas living in our house. I sense some confusion in the air. [I hope you are OK]

"haligh, haligh, haligh, haligh, this weight is must be satisfied, you offer only one reply, you know not what you do"

[1:35pm]

So many people are trying to figure me out. Am I so much of a puzzle? I ponder this as I trudge down the street in this slight breeze. I certainly have a habit of confusing or upsetting people. All I do is write what it occurs to me to write. If you have a question, don't bother. None of this means anything to me, so why should it to anyone else?

I love to hear the thoughts of others. I love to talk to people and share opinions. I love having company. It fills me with hope when I see so many nice people around me.

Today = Revealing myself. It started on Saturday. The "stories" that are always above this "diary" entry are special this week. I am revealing all of the sides of "me" in them. I hope "you" won't all get "yourselves" confused between fantasy and "reality" this week as I delve into "my" deepest feelings and personalities. I also hope that "I" don't upset anyone. "Honesty" is the best "policy". [I hope you are OK]

"we're living in a repetition"

[2:23pm]

They can see me through the windows. People can see in as well as out. How to solve this problem? Time to board them up, board the house up.

I have to be honest with you, I don't want to know about it. I don't care, I don't care. All I want to know is whether you liked my latest song, or whether someone has something for me. Don't regale me with stories about yourself, I'm self-obsessed, I care not about your feelings. I don't care, I don't care.

Today = Anticipating. My parents are off out for the night and so I have the house and TV to myself. I like that freedom, I need to catch up on my out of touch musical perspectives. I did hear a great song today though. A band called Maximo Park and their song Apply Some Pressure. I suggest you try to hear it if you can. They are Newcastle's answer to The Futureheads and Franz Ferdinand. I finished the famed bottle of tequila last night. I had the last half. It really does make everything strange. And on that note, I'll let you know that I have four new songs up in that same old place, so Trespass if you wish. [I hope you are OK]

"i want to see you next year, i hope i am alive next year, i want to see you in that dress, i hope i live to see you undress"

[2:35pm]

Too many memories here for me to handle all at once. Just walking through the door has made my knees give way. I lie on the floor, staring at the ceiling. When I build up the energy to move again, might I see something I don't want to?

I would love to go back to the old house, but I never will. Tear it down, build something else there. But the ghosts of the past will never leave, you'll be stuck with them. No matter what happens here, it will still be number 42.

Today = Resting. After two days of alcohol fuelled tiredness, I decided to kick back with some normal tiredness today. I went out last night to free drinks and many songs on the jukebox. Unfortuanately, the songs on the jukebox weren't free. But I enjoyed selecting them and listening to them. Wish I'd saved the money though. I also discovered last night that my indie knowledge is better than I thought. [I hope you are OK]

"i really don't care and i really don't care"

[6:51pm]

Welcome to the future. Every second that passes you must be welcomed into the new age. But in the long run, nothing changes. When we're all gone, what will we have changed?

There's no stopping this now. It's on a hill, it has wheels and the handbrake is broken. Imagine that, something that will never stop moving. Even the perfect design seems flawed when you take a closer look.

Today = Twenty. I can't help but feel left out since my birthday falls on a much more important day. Holocaust Memorial Day. Remembering all those who lost their lives in the Holocaust. So obviously this takes precedence over my personal celebration, but that won't stop me having a drink or two. I've done not much today, same as other days. Except today I got lots of money. [I hope you are OK]

"all this talk of getting old, it's getting me down my lord, like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown"

[6:39pm]

It's drawing closer with each second that passes. Everything can be blocked out if you try hard enough. Even I can forget all of my painful memories if I drink for long enough.

I'm holding it all in. Look at me about to explode over here in the corner. Yet you still talk about me as if I'm not there. If you could be in my shoes for one day, I'd like to see you hold your own against all of this.

Today = Getting into the party spirit. Yeah, it's my 20th tomorrow, but I'm having my drink tonight. I have tequila and I've already had some alcopops. But they were just a warmup. I'll let you know how the festivities went tomorrow. Another note for Mr. Invisible: I don't smoke or do any drugs, I only drink now and again. [I hope you are OK]

"did you expect it all to stop, at the wave of your hand, like the sun's just gonna drop, if it's night you demand"

[5:43pm]

You can't avoid the roles you've been assigned to. Believe it or not, you have your purposes, and in these purposes you must excel or collapse. Nowadays many people seem to choose to collapse, which confuses me as it isn't very hard to follow some simple rules.

Throw it all away. I want nothing more of the memories. Clear out the boxes, full of my past. A past I want to forget. If I can start afresh, maybe life won't seem so hard. Unless the hole starts being dug again.

Today = Spaced. I've been hovering around like something otherwordly today. I woke up at 11am, walked the dog, did my parents a few favours, then got back home and watched some anime. Then I listened to The Wall yet again, then fell asleep, then stayed asleep, then woke back up. And that's it. Do you ever get the feeling that I'm wasting my life? Last night me and my dad watched a movie that seemed pretty awful when we read the write-up, but it turned out to be OK. I can't remember it's name now, I think it was called Threshold. It was about alien insects turning people into giant insects. Told you it sounded awful, but it was quite entertaining. It stole ideas from too many other films to be really good though. But despite that, it was an enjoyable cliché-fest. [I hope you are OK]

"there's a song stuck in my head, and i can't help singing it, oh how i hope my singing pleases you, cause i am not who i become, but what you made me into"

[6:45pm]

I've been awake all day. My eyes are heavy and I am worn down. Never again, not as long as I live. Never again if I can help it.

Such a confident stride. That was the way I walked once. Nothing could stop me. But then the ways of the world got to me and I began to walk with my head down and my feet dragged along the ground. This is how I became one of the crowd.

Today = Upset. Funerals. Something I don't want to discuss, other than to say that I cried my eyes out and hope everyone stays alive and OK for as long as possible. I've got two more volumes of Azumanga Daioh (volumes 2 and 3) to keep my spirits up though. [I hope you are OK]

"sing like no-one's listening"

[6:51pm]

Throwing away your logistics on something that is not true. Placing all your beliefs into a system that cannot be accepted. You cannot keep your faith locked in here, it will cost you more than you are worth.

No matter what I do or where I go, there are people asking how I am, and how there are simple solutions to cure my depression. They never even ask how I am, what my views are or what things I like. They judge me. A book without a cover is what I am to people.

Today = Thoughtful. Well those of you who come here and visit my guestbook will know of people who post. And the posts of one Mr. Invisible have been getting me thinking. So here is an entry dedicated to him. I thank you for your concern, but you're just another face who has said the same things to me as so many other people. Just because I write thoughtful things, often depressive, does not mean I am this way. But in saying this, I am not saying I am faking depression. Every person does have down days and up days, and I must admit my down moments outnumber my up moments. But still I lead what I would call a healthy and fun life. I have my hobbies, my ambitions, my fears and my thoughts just like every other person. I certainly hope, Mr. Invisible, that you will keep visiting and keep leaving your own thoughtful comments and enjoy mine. Thanks for the interest you have shown. [I hope you are OK]

"i want the toys of other boys, i want a knife and a gun and things"

[1:53pm]

Sympathetic ears and lying mouths. The world is full of things that we wish weren't there. We can't do anything to change the system, we can't fight back. The big guns will win every time. Just find your place, sit in it and keep quiet.

The spirit of going on with no aim is strong in us all. Achieve your goals, smile for the camera, love and be loved, hide in the shadows, retreat into yourself, become someone unseen. All this just by achieving your ambitions.

Today = Bleary Part II. Wine doesn't do my mental faculties any good. If I stare at one thing for too long, my head hurts. If I dart my gaze around too quickly, my head hurts. If I keep my eyes closed, my head hurts. There seems to be no solution to my predicament other than ripping my eyes out. But that's a thing I don't want to do. I like being able to see. So I guess I'll just have to live with the pain a bit longer. Onto other things, I'm going back home today. Again. Seems pointless to just sit aorund here when I have no lectures. If you see me on the bus home, give me a wave. [I hope you are OK]

"good morning mr. magpie, how are we today, they've stolen all my magic, and took my melody"

[1:07pm]

Trying to know when to look up and when to look down. When to look someone in the eye and when to look at the ground. When to smile in their direction and when to frown.

All of this sometimes seems like a task not worth doing. Unwittingly leaving without a word's notice. Never telling anyone where I was going or what I was going to do. They wouldn't understand anyway.

Today = Bleary. Parties seem to have a certain effect on people. An effect not unlike having your brains smashed out with a lemon wrapped aorund a large gold brick. So I am a bit wobbly and a bit bleary today, but my brain is in full working order. Or at least as much as it could be. It's still a bit dusty, but there's not much I can do about that. Lately a lot of my dreams have been scarily prophetic. In their own small ways. [I hope you are OK]

"working on the record seems pointless now, when the world ends, who's gonna hear it?"

[3:35pm]

Every time you look out the window, more of the sky has been eaten away. This can only go on for so long before you cannot grasp onto anything at all. Perhaps people are petty, perhaps people can change. Perhaps people should not even be here.

Liking to look how I please and do what I please. It's what society forbids. I step out into the rapidly declining world and try to find something real, something that isn't fabricated. But that is a task that is futile.

Today = Boiling. The library heating must be up on full again, I'm burning up in here. I bought stuff today using my coveted money off at HMV vouchers. I bought anime, music and Stopit and Tidyup. Ah yes, times are good. Now if only there wasn't a plumber back at our house in my room fixing the boiler. I get no peace. [I hope you are OK]

"i never knew her name, i only knew her fame, she lived near my town, another goldfish to drown"

[2:24pm]

Deadlines have fallen upon me and to meet them is to meet the end. I wish I had lived differently, then maybe this wouldn't even be my finale.

Tried his best. Yes he did. Always smiling at strangers, always quiet, never causing an argument. How come he ended up like that? Being ignored, being followed, being worried about, being watched? Nobody knows. Some people say he went crazy.

Today = Relieved. I got my essay handed in and now my library account is back in full working order. So I take a breath of fresh air and sigh in relief. I have no real plans for the rest of the day, but last night I wrote four new songs. Guess they'd been hidden away somewhere in the back of my mind. So they are posted [in the usual place] for you all to take a look at. I'm going to retreat home and nap now. [I hope you are OK]

"with a second chance, i'd mess it up again, but i'd do it worse than before, cos i've learned so much more"

[2:02pm]

I refuse to apologise or pamper your feelings. I hurt you, you hurt me, guess who's turn it is?

Being the person I always hated. This person I've managed to avoid being for so long. Now there is simply no avoiding it, I must become who I don't want to be. Stand back and prepare for a rough ride.

Today = Fuming. Sunderland university's Murray library is being useless today. My library card won't let me do anything. So as soon as I'm done here, I'm going to go have a rant at the help desk. They said they'd fixed my card on Saturday, but evidently not. In other news, nothing has happened. [I hope you are OK]

"let the blue hour come, for everyone"

[2:18pm]

I'd love to keep you happy by saying that once I did love you, but there is such a thing as falsehood. I loved her all along, I wish you hadn't turned up.

Losing my grip, losing myself, losing everything. I really have gone over this time. Too far gone to ever return.

Today = Partied out. I went to the indie club in Sunderland last night and danced myself stupid. I am still tired and aching. Before that, I went to see Team America, and I must say that it is a damn funny movie. I'm making this entry to make up for the lack of one yesterday. It would be longer and more interesting, but I just don't have the energy. [I hope you are OK]

"hold on to loneliness, instead of a heart, instead of a turning point, instead of an empty space, why oh you."

[3:13pm]

Throwing away my feelings on something useless. What can I use my mind for if it is not there for emotion? I'll raise my wall up now, with no doors and no windows. You won't be able to see me. You won't be able to climb over.

Losing my grip on reality, stability, sensibility. My happiness was something I cherished once. Now it's locked away in that dusty box. I lost the key.

Today = My great aunt Mary died today. One of my favourite relatives. And what do I do? Carry on as if nothing has happened. No tears, no sad faces, nothing. Just normal. Where have my emotions gone? When did I lose them? How did I lose them? Who did I give them to for safekeeping? You've seen me happy, no. You've seen me faking happiness yes. Ah well, things can't be all that bad. I did get a large chunk of an essay done today and sorted a few things out. Tonight I'll be sleeping. And eating, if I can be bothered to buy some food. [I hope you are OK]

"but that was just a fantasy, the wall was too high as you can see, no matter how he tried he could not break free, and the worms ate into his brain"

[12:25pm]

Untimely, uncalled for. Not the beginning we hoped for and prayed for. Something has snapped inside and now there is no turning back. Run, and save yourself.

I sail with no aims and no direction. Anything to get away from here. Leaving all my memories behind and facing the open water and the sunset. At least this way there will be no more worry.

Today = Tired yet hyper. Here I am, back in Sunderland. Ready to start a new term of uni. Well, that doesn't start until Monday.I'm just back early to tie up a few loose ends. Like money-related things and essay-related things. Apart from that, I'm free until Monday. I'm going to spend the night listening to music and napping. I am very tired after dragging so much stuff back here with me. And I have to go back to Bishop on Sunday to pick up my shedload of food. Luckily I have a driver for that. Now I am going back to my uni home. To sleep and dream of better times. [I hope you are OK]

"there's kids playing guns in the street, and one pointed his tree branch at me, so i put my hands up, say enough is enough, if you walk away i'll walk away, and then he shot me dead"

[4:05pm]

I am certain of this much. You no longer care what happens to me. But why do you keep pretending that you do? You'd rather talk to everyone else but me. I can live knowing this, it's no big deal. It's better to be ignored than followed.

Too much in too little a time. Should have paced things out. Should have calmed down. Shouldn't have taken it personally. Blurry, the streets pass me by. I'm not walking, I'm floating.

Today = Regretful. It turns out that the Stella I drank yesterday was in fact off. I opened the keg on Christmas Day and it was meant to have been drunk within three days. So I was actually ill and drunk. Never a good mixture at all. It hurt. Today I haven't done anything much. But tonight I am going out. To rock out. [I hope you are OK]

"well, i awoke in relief, my sheets and tubes were all tangled weak from whiskey and pills, in a chicago hospital, and my father was there, in a chair, by the window, staring so far away, i tried talking, just whispered, "...so sorry...so selfish..." he stopped me and said, "child i love you regardless and there is nothing you could do that would ever change this, i'm not angry, it happens, but you just can't do it again."

[6:36pm]

My mind and muscles may be weak, but I can still write scathing words. Just what is it you want from me? I've drained my glass three times today and I still can't figure out what it is you want.

I don't want to speak.

Today = Drunk. Yes, I am definitely inebriated. Three pints of Stella and one down the drain. I couldn't face it, I think it was making me ill. I'm trying my best to focus on the keyboard and not make any mistakes, but I may still make one or two. I have done pretty much nothing but drink and procrastinate today. [I hope you are OK]

"scream my lungs out to try and get to you, you are my only one"

[6:28pm]

I think it would be better if we never talked again. You're doing a good job of that already. All I wanted was a few small words, a few smiles, a little bit of attention. I don't seek, I find. Never mind what you believed and what you though, this is now about me. For the first time I actually feel bad about somebody else's feelings. Won't you love me? That's obviously too much to ask of anyone.

People don't amuse me. I am only amused by small occurences. Don't try to amuse me. I am only amused by small occurences. Nothing amuses me. Not even these small occurences. Erect a smile upon my face, but it can only ever be a small extension to an eyesore. We need much more renovation to make this abode somewhere someone can settle down in.

Today = So pessimistic. Don't ask me why, but I'm having a down day. Mind you, The Wall can do that to you. I am also tired and I shouldn't be, so that isn't making me feel any better. I feel like I'm rushed off my feet when I have nothing to be rushing around at. As soon as I get home I'll have nothing whatsoever to do. Maybe someone is making me tired, rushed and miserable. Who? [I hope you are OK]

"i don't need no arms around me, and i don't need no drugs to calm me"

[6:39pm]

It's raining again. We've gotten used to this. Sometimes it seems perpetual, but we do have short escapes from the downpours. This red rain.

Hiding out in my mind again. A good place to get lost and never found. The further back I retreat, the more likely it is I can never be saved or brought back. Hello, is there anybody in there?

Today = Doing even less than usual. I only woke up an hour ago. I am reading Mrs Dalloway at long last though. Good idea considering I have to write an essay on it by sometime next week. It is a really good book though, I love Woolf's style of writing. Which totally goes against my viewpoint from about two months ago, but I have actually read some of the book this time. [I hope you are OK]

"any asshole can open up a museum, put all of the things he loves on display, so everyone could see them, the house, a car, a thoughtful wife, ordinary moments in his ordinary life, but if she breaks a smile, she'll give you away, 'cause no one wants to pay to see your happiness, no-one wants to pay to see your day to day, and i'm not buying it either, but i'll try selling it anyway."

[2:26pm]

You were my only one, they were my only thoughts. Crushed under an excessive weight, trapped under all that metal. It was more than a tragedy, it was a life-changing experience. Never ever take anyone for granted. Flowers on the cold slab of concrete, tears in the rain.

Goodbye. Feeling so degenerate, bleeding from the heart and telling people first hand why love is a waste of time. Then turn pessimism around on the critical, make them fall to their knees for a change. Feel like being different. But you know you can't escape the humdrum pull of everyday society. Best strap yourself in and grin and bear it.

Today = Tired and such. I've said it before and I'll say it again; staying up all night really does me no favours. But I can never help it when I'm given the chance to stay awake and watch The Matrix and mess about on the internet. I can see where the rest of my life is heading here. Anyway, I'll soon be saying goodbye to a few friends who were back in Bishop as they head back to their respective universities. I'll be on my own for much of next week, until I return to Sunderland on probably the Thursday. To actually do some work. [I hope you are OK]

"it's just the thought of you in love with someone else, it breaks my heart to see you hiding from yourself"

[3:32pm]

Out of the frying pan into the fire. The flames. The eternal horror of searing flesh. We are all cast down, we are all forever damned. How could there be any other way?

Echo yourself. Repeat words to yourself to make them clear. But no matter how hard you try, your secrets will always be revealed. Do not try to hide anything.

Today = Full-blown. My cold is coming through strong now, I fell asleep watching TV and didn't really do much else. I've been coughing a lot as well. Apart from that, nothing doing. [I hope you are OK]

"you got us into this, so get us out of this, get us out of this"

[11:12pm]

So what am I? A bundle of emotions or another face in the crowd? Am I someone that everyone could love, or no-one? Do people judge me on sight, and never give me a chance? What would I like people to think of me? I wish I could answer them all.

Broken beyond all belief. It smashed on the floor, leaving nothing but traces of fine china. Now the blood trickles along the bottom of my foot as the white glass sinks into it. Isn't it strange how the strangest things bring back distant memories and floods and floods of tears?

Today = Accomplished. I got a lot done today. I copied my latest two tapes a few times, and got two copies sent off to one person. And I didn't do much else, but I feel like I've done so much work today. I am going out for a drink tonight. Where I can mill around in a pub watching people slowly get drunk while I just mourn for them all. Not that I'm any better than them, so I'll mourn for myself as well. [I hope you are OK]

"oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place"

[6:45pm]

I do it all to please you, to keep you entertained, to keep you coming back. What if I stopped? Who would notice? In the long run, everyone would forget. A memory faded onto stone, gone forever. Nothing but a hole in the ground then nothing.

Bleak. The way the weather seems on a foggy morning. But it is hauntingly beautiful. Walking through this foggy morning, walking through pure moisture in the air. Dampening my face and walking by the river. Bleak.

Today = Sick. My body is being annoying. My eyes are aching and my stomach isn't holding much food. I think the flu has caught up with me. So as I infect even more people by sitting in this library, I suppose I could be seen as doing a public service. Keeping the population down or at least indoors for a while, very handy. In other news, I, Robot is nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. There are some very stupid plot developments, but apart from that it was OK. [I hope you are OK]

"we can't ignore the disaster, it's difficult to spot, the speed of your reaction, was to slow to make a difference"

[6:24pm]

One number has changed, so everything has stayed the same. We were expecting something different, something new. But we get the same.

Sorry if we broke your concentration.

Today = Contemplating a new year. I'm quite daunted by the fact. A whole new year, just when I was getting used to it being 04. It will be interesting to see what comes of this year though. Could be good, could be bad. [I hope you are OK]

"mother will she tear your little boy apart, mother will she break my heart?"

[7:22pm]

There are soothing melodies there. There is an escape from everyday mundane life there. There are so many smiling faces there. But this does not mean that there will be happiness and serenity there.

Thank all the little people who make things possible. The only credit they ever receive is those few words, and nothing else. Look down, look around, you still won't find them. They are the smallest cracks in the pavement.

Today = Swamped with post. I and my family received a Christmas card from a very sweet person today. I got my copy of Is There Anybody Out There? The Wall Live. It is amazing. I also got my Radiohead TV DVD... which I have yet to watch. I bought Destruction Derby in a moment of nostalgia along with the first Burnout game. So in other words, I have a lot to keep me and my friends occupied tonight at my New Year party. Which is why I'll be going home now. Got to get ready for arrivals. Have yourselves a good New Year. [I hope you are OK]

"i have grown older, and you have grown colder, and nothing is very much fun, anymore, and i can feel, one of all my turns coming on, i feel, cold as a razor blade, tight as a tourniquet, dry as a funeral drum"

[1:28pm]

Line up all the liars, their true feelings are going to be on show tonight. Rack them up and shoot them down. They aren't worth anything to anybody. Give them time and throw away the key. They cause pain and heartbreak and are breaking up the happy home.

Listening to the shows that only you want to hear. Selective listening, selective breeding. Nothing left that is our own, all of our space has been bought up and shipped off to another country. We do not have the power to control anything anymore. It's time for a rethink.

Today = Awake too early. I woke up ill after my night out last night. But at least I know I had a good time! I was out of bed by 8am and watching The Wall again. Such a good movie, so thought provoking. I wish I could write as good as Roger Waters. Anyway, away from my childish delusions, I made lots of copies of my third, fourth, fifth and sixth "albums" today and they will be being sent out to various people starting from next year. Tonight I may get drunk to pass the time, or I might just go to bed and dream. [I hope you are OK]

"your time has come, your second skin, the cost so high, the gain so low, walk through the valley, the written word is a lie"

[6:33pm]

The flight of the lost souls. It will strip us bare of feelings as we gaze upon it. One day we will fly too.

Losing the things that seemed right at the time. But since they rotted, they gained momentum and started to make things impossible. A huge manifestation of all my fears. Haunting.

Today = Zoom. I've got to get off the library computer now. But I'll tell you that today I did not much at all. So there you go, an uninteresting day. [I hope you are OK]

"when i take off my make up i look old and defeated, i'm not so dangerous, cry into my christmas cake, staring holes into me all night, you should just give up, cause our love's become selling secrets, to the russians they don't need, the cold war is on between you and me"

[6:54pm]

The prickly sensation you get when you discover something that the mere thought of has chilled you to the bone. We must all be crazy, locked in the attics of those who wish to keep us from the light. We'll never see anything but what they want us to. Shields, shields, shields.

I've culled the senses that kept my hopes up. Now that they fly away from me I can be free of emotion once and for all. An unbelievable conclusion that you've drawn here today. I am at a loss for a lack of words. The urge to verbalise my thoughts spills over into a series of failed attempts at speaking.

Today = Tied up. I escaped my house and retreated to a friend's house. Christmas is thankfully over though. I got a Simpsons boombox, Simpsons keyring, a Simpsons dinner tray and a Simpsons mug. A good year for Matt Groening. Apart from that, I haven't been doing much at all. Hope you all had a good holiday and are OK. [I hope you are OK]

"the prisoner who now stands before you, was caught red-handed showing feelings, showing feelings of an almost human nature, this will not do"

[1:32am]

Say it out loud for us. We cannot pick up on hints. We are the deaf, the mute, the blind. This will never be ours. We need you to spell it out, kick us down and leave us in the cold.

Check over the shoulder, is there anybody there? How about the people who use me for information? Get close to me just to try to get closer to other people? Is it paranoia or are my accusations achingly, painfully true? That's all I want to know.

Today = Empty of Christmas cheer. Humbug. Hurry up and get moving, time! I want December 25th to come and go as quickly as possible. Well, I guess I'll say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all. Anyway, today I haven't been up to much. My copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy Tertiary Phase arrived this morning. I watched Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me last night and was highly confused by the whole thing. Just what is Lynch trying to say? I wish he'd spell it out a bit more now and again. [I hope you are OK]

"i'm subtle like a lion's cage, such a cautious display"

[2:44pm]

Enclosed worlds within other worlds within yet more worlds. They shrink endlessly and somewhere our feeble universe fits into the equation. We are nothing compared to everything else. In comparison, we are outnumbered so many millions to one by the size of the universe, that it seems pointless to go on sometimes. What do you have to look forward to? There is nothing in our futures. The present soon becomes the past and is forgotten while the future always seems bleak. Pointlessness personified.

Too much. Too little. Too moderate. Too mediocre. Some people cannot be pleased, they have to question everything. There is no solutions for them, all they can do is be pessimistic no matter what the situation. Hello, nice to meet you, are you OK?

Today = Being enshrouded by darkness. I'm planning on going for a sit by the river. Yes I know it's Winter and yes I know it's freezing, but I've missed the river. I want to sit beside it for a while, one last time before Christmas and the New Year. If only for ten minutes. I'd still be happy. [I hope you are OK]

"god only knows what i'd be without you"

[6:36pm]

One day I will stop being around. I will be unfindable, lost in a sea of people, shops, cars and streetlights. I will merge and fade with them and become a myth, a something that existed only for a short while. Something that never made a difference.

Surely there can be time for one last story. We are in no rush to go yet. We clamour around and beg for just one more story. One more story. One more story to help us escape ourselves for that little while longer. We are denied and drained.

Today = Locked inside myself. Well actually my headache is back. Which is highly annoying. But I'll survive. Today involved sleeping, dreaming and then waking up and still dreaming. I seem to have been walking on no solid ground all day. It's very surreal. [I hope you are OK]

"time is like a broken watch"

[6:28pm]

Slipping on ice and falling over words. Who would leave something like that? In the middle of the road? In the middle of the night? It seems like a trap and soon someone will be caught. Their mistake. Their loss.

Cannot be seen from such a height. We need to get lower to see the mass panic. People are running. But from what? The traffic has come to a halt. There doesn't seem to be any other option than to walk. Endlessly.

Today = Pain. I have a headache. And it's just starting to make me feel ill. So a great night awaits me no doubt. Steven has gone now and I don't know when I'll see him again. Sometime in the new year hopefully. Well, I've done it. I've done my diary entry and everything despite my pain. I need to go lie down now. Feel free to browse the lyrics page, since there are some new contributions on it from my pen. [I hope you are OK]

"we ain't going to the town, we're going to the city"

[6:53pm]

I had so much time to explain myself. So much time to express myself. So much time, so much time. But it ran out too soon. Now the world grows dusty and there hasn't been a sound for years.

Cars are burning and so are the cities. It seems apocalyptic but not violent. These weren't deliberate mistakes, they were simply the choices chosen by those people. Those people probably decided correctly.

Today = Getting ready. Well I missed Saturday because my friend was visiting, and I'm making an early entry today because I'm going to Blackpool with the aformentioned friend. I have a lot to do before 1:25 and the bus. So I have to go and do all of that. Soon the world will not be the same. Music = Interpol- Antics. [I hope you are OK]

"i wanna be better than oxygen, so you can breathe when you're drowning and weak in the knees, i wanna speak louder than ritalin, for all the children who think that they've got a disease, i wanna be cooler than t.v., for all the kids that are wondering what they are going to be"

[11:53am]

Pins and needles of the soul. The shivers creeping down your spine remind you that you are still alive, but now you wish you weren't. You've seen more than you were meant to. It's time to sleep, time to sleep and sleep. Maybe one day you'll wake back up, but they're not counting on it.

It's raining impossibly. I can't even see my hand in front of my face. I keep walking though, through this driving and inpeneterable rain. I don't care where I end up, as long as it is a place far away from here. A place where the rain is kinder and the people are alive.

Today = Kicking back and relaxing. Now that I'm back home anyway. I had a stressful time carrying all my stuff here though. I brought too much back with me! But where would I be without my guitar, tape recorder, PS2 and many many DVDs and CDs? I packed as much of my life as possible into my holdall and lent my life to public transport for a few hours. Now that I'm home, I'm gonna enjoy myself, eat and play much Final Fantasy. Hell, I may even treat myself to a glass of wine or five. Tis the season. [I hope you are OK]

"if time is a vessel, then learning to love, might be my way back to sea, the flying, the medal, the turning above, these are just ways to be seen"

[6:52pm]

Here's a line, here's a spindle. Cross nothing, spin nothing. Sitting down to work while everyone else revels in their retirement. We are sleeping and slipping at the same time. Dreaming of a more carefree life, slipping into a regime and a routine.

Just try and see past us. We'll block out your light and keep you in the dark. Secrets to be revealed that we just can't show you yet. If you'd worked harder towards achieving greatness, maybe this would be over.

Today = Buying. Yeah my extra loan cheque money cleared today. Bad news for my bank account. But to my credit, I didn't spend all £360. I spent a mere £50 of it. And five of that went on my phone, and another five is going towards me going home. I need to buy my mother a Christmas present sometime. I may stop off in Newcastle on the way home tomorrow to snak a peek into the manga/anime shops. Dangerous, but fun. Yes, I return home tomorrow for Christmas. I will arrive bearing a holdall packed with as much of my life as possible and my guitar. The sun is shining in December. Illuminating the cold air. [I hope you are OK]

"you said today, you know exactly how i feel, i had my doubts little girl, i'm in love with something real, it could be me, that's changing"

[1:32pm]

Where will I turn when the music stops? When everything just stops? I'll have to scream those thoughts away. Scream these demons right away from me. Damn, all this time I've managed to sustain myself and now I break. Now. Why now of all times? I am about to achive stability and enlightenment and my body gives up the calmness and introduces my lack of control.

Flaws. We're full of them. I cannot defend everyone for ever. Some day you'll have to stand up for yourself to keep the angry faces at bay. I'd love to help, yeah I'd love to help you out. But today just isn't the right day.

Today = Fulfilled. There we go. New lyrics have been posted. Also, my random blurbs have taken on a very own new life of their own. I'm quite proud of them. And also again, I started recording more songs last night. For the first time in about two/three months, I was hit by inspiration. I'm very damn happy at the minute and I forbid any of you to bring me down! So to all the people who think they know me and think I'm depressed, screw you. For God's sake start living your own lives and stop nosing around mine. [I hope you are OK]

"it's funny how it tears me apart, first it breaks your head then your heart, i should've loved you better, from the start, it's chewin' at my bones and my brains, it's workin' through the flesh that remains, why can't this feelin' leave me, and just fade away, from day one i led you on, i'm sorry girl, but i can't stay, things have changed, they're not the same, now i must walk the other way"

[12:26pm]

An appearance so slight and rare that we don't know what to do. It shines in the sky and we all drop whatever we are doing to go outside and stare up. Is this the end? Is this the beginning? Traffic comes to a halt and the TV stations fill up with breaking news reports. The light is getting brighter and soon we will all be blinded by it, but still we cannot look away. This is the end. This is the beginning.

Forgetfulness comes easily to those who try. Erase the past, and get rid of those unwanted memories. Farewell.

Today = Still forgetful. I was going to post lyrics today, but I've forgotten them again. So tomorrow! Hold on, they will get here! I got my remaining loan money today and paid it into the bank. Hopefully the cheque will clear as quickly as last time, which was within one working day. Amazingly fast work from the bank there. Once again I've been pulled in by the lure of a game. Since I'd finished GTA, I needed to find something else to keep me occupied. Up steps Final Fantasy VI and I'll be saying farewell to another few weeks of my life. [I hope you are OK]

"wake me up when september ends"

[12:57pm]

Eternally slow. Getting even slower. Ground to a halt. No more distance left to run. The progress of the human race.

Clothes that sting and the upside-down craziness of the trigger-happy generation. Radio stations only broadcast static and the television stations all show the same emergency messages. There's rioting on the streets as people try to escape from something they can't see. One by one the cities are falling to anarchy, then fall into silence. And finally into decadence. We'll all fall asleep, every one of us. This time is no longer ours.

Today = Rich. Well, a bit better off at least. My extra loan money arrived. But I couldn't get it today, because I forgot a document. So I'll get it tomorrow and pay it straight into the bank and with any luck, I'll have the money by the end of the week, if not sooner. I was swamped in emails yesterday, hence the lack of an update. But this lead me to decide that I am going to make Sundays my official day off. This makes sense, considering that when I'm back home (starting Friday) I won't be able to use the internet on a Sunday. I am going to grace everyone with more lyrics tomorrow. I would have done it today, but I forgot. It seems to be the theme of the day for me. [I hope you are OK]

"so watch me rise up and leave, all the ashes you made out of me, when you said that we were wrong, life goes on, look how wrong I could be"

[4:46pm]

Priorities

Singing myself to sleep. But I close my eyes to find horror and the Extravagent "End Of The World". My eyes open and I wake at the scream. Sore throat. It's morning. I reassure myself that it was all a Dream and that I have returned to Normal Life. I shuffle into my clothes and then into the bathroom. Brush Teeth, Smile, Engage Myself in Friendly Conversation. Head downstairs to eat a Healthy Nutritious Breakfast. Feel so awake and alive and fresh and ready to take anything on. Routine first though. All lights switched off, yes. All electrical outlets switched off, yes. Mulitvitamin tablet taken, yes. Good, now I can leave my Semi-Detached Middle-Class Bachelor-Friendly house and head towards my Economic and Environmentally Sound Automobile. But before I get to it, I look out over the Filth-Infested, Crime-Filled, Brave Smiles All Round city. My jaw drops. A Dream? Normal Life? The sky is on the floor and there are upside-down planes. People wave as they walk by, turned inside-out. They stop every now and again to check they are still in one piece. Fire has replaced water as it rains. Gravity is working part-time and I bob along the ground. Naturally, Naturally I feel Light-Headed and Woozy. What an existence to wake up to. I rush back indoors, sit down and think about what I should do. First Things First, I'd better call my boss and tell him I won't be in today.

Today = Saturday. I decided that the long story today would be enough in the way of modern modernist writing for one day. I completed GTA: SA last night, and now I have nothing to do. Pray for me. [I hope you are OK]

"surprise sometime, i'll come around, surprise sometime, i'll come around, i will surprise you sometime, i'll come around, i will surprise you sometime, i'll come around, when you're down"

[1:23pm]

Shut up and keep driving. Full circle. Spin around. Flat out. Down the highways that everyone forgot about. Let me out here. Middle of the desert. Time to go on a journey. Forcing myself into non-existence.

Try not to focus on the things that make us sad. Focus on the good things. There must be some, look harder. {looking around but I don't see any happiness, I don't see anything changing} No! You're seeing the picture that your mind wants you to see, Look wuth your heart instead of your eyes. {I can't focus like that, everyone is crowding me, I feel too small to care about anything} Helping yourself is the first step to helping others. If you can't learn to feel good about yourself, you won't be able to feel good about anything. [you say this like it is so easy to change the way the mind thinks, I cannot force myself to be happy}

Today = listening to the stuttering radio, hoping for a revelation. Another rigmarolic (word, not a word?) day. I can't wait until this year is over. I want to be able to hope for something different, a different life. I had a dream last night that death was chasing after me. You know, the old image of death, a skeleton in a black robe. Well I saw him coming towards my house, so I made a run for it out of the back door. I ran and ran til I reached the bus station (this dream took place back at home in Bishop). I sat around for a while and then decided to give in to fate. Turns out "death" was a friend dressed up. Weird dream. Must mean something. Try and make some kind of link between "death" and "friends". [I hope you are OK]

"you want me, well fucking well come and find me, i'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches, and nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing"

[11:31am]

A covert option and an out-in-the-open option. Either one will result in the loss of dreams and the death of all. Choose wisely, it will be the last choice you ever make.

Look around at all the people who are slowly being drained of their lives. It's all fun and games and then suddenly it gets all serious. Shoved into your little niche of a job and doing the same thing for the rest of your life. Is that what we all want? Is that our destiny? Keep it for yourself.

Today = So many things to do, so little time. I'm in one of those moods where I feel like I have loads to do when I don't. I have nothing to do at all. I do have to reply to some emails, but that happens on a daily basis. I think it may be Hotmail's refusal to work at the moment that is making me feel rushed off my feet. It better be working when I sign back in. I fell into the trap of GTA: San Andreas again yesterday and will no doubt be playing it for the next week without fail. I also need some money to get home. Let's hope I get my extra money from the student loan people before my trip home, otherwise I'll have to extract my final five pounds from my account. [I hope you are OK]

"soma is what they would take when hard times opened their eyes, saw pain in a new way, high stakes for a few names"

[3:59pm]

an upstanding member of society, honourable without being too proud, never clamouring for attention, always the first to help, no delusions of grandeur, no overblown ideologies or impossible dreams, clean-cut and clean-living, still in regular contact with relatives and friends, a firm believer in the consumption of a healthy breakfast, no unsavoury thoughts, no enemies, feelings of constant bliss, aware of all the dangers of drugs, fighting for the rights of all free people, avidly contented, a resposible drinker, never needing any pick-me-ups, a clear and easy mind, a steady job, polystyrene cups of coffee at lunchtime, plenty of sleep and awake before the alarm, keeping other's secrets and never holding personal ones in, being open to everyone, meeting all deadlines, recognising the good in others, smiling at the old folks, feverishly working late at the office, clacking keys on the keyboard to finish the work, wrapping up with no more work to do, quality time with the kids, rolex watch, flashy car, a huge gap where there should be life

Today = Expanding my mind. The above piece is going to be the finale to my story. I was going to work on it some more today, but an old friend called who I haven't seen in ages and I couldn't pass up the chance to go see him. This entry has to be rushed because I'm meeting up with him soon. You catch me with five minutes to check my emails. [I hope you are OK]

"at the center of the earth, in the parking lot, of the seven eleven where i was taught, the motto was just a lie, it says "home is where your heart is", but what a shame, cuz everyone's heart doesnt beat the same, it's beating out of time"

[12:35pm]

Once again you swarm around me. I just have no escape. I'm being clamoured around and I don't want this. I want peace, I need isolation. Grant me some time alone.

There is beauty in everything. The most wonderful things are around us. Outside, indoors, everywhere you happen to look you will see something that can be regarded as pleasing to the eye or the mind. Find something.

Today = Hotter than the sun. For some reason, I am burning up in the library. Have they got the heating on? It isn't really necessary... I'm hot enough already. I saw Interpol's new music video for 'Evil' over the weekend. It is amazingly great. Sorry if my random thoughts go off-track for a while, I'm concentrating all my thoughts on my new story. It's called 'A Life'. Nothing interesting, just a response to the modernist novel I have to read for English, Mrs. Dalloway. You may all see it someday. There's some new lyrics up today. [I hope you are OK]

"give me something that i need, satisfaction guaranteed, cos i'm thinking about a brand new hope, one i've never known, cos i know it's all that i wanted"

[1:36pm]

My mood changes with the seasons. A sunny disposition, a frosty reception, a stormy future.

The leaves turn brown and once again it seems like time is slipping away. It was surely yesterday that the snow was last melting. Another year, another decade even. Ageing does not scare me, dying does not scare me. What scares me is how the minutes pass like this.

Today = Relieved of weights. I finally paid my summer rent to my landlord today. £102.50. Which leaves me with about £5. I'm paying him two installments of money after Christmas. And I should have money by then. My mum was at the hospital today, to see about her back. She needs more tests, and she'll have to be in for two days sometime after Christmas. Then she may have to be there for weeks if she needs an operation. I'm not worried, which scares and upsets me. [I hope you are OK]

"i spent a life span with no cellmate, the long way back, sandy, why can't we look the other way, you're weightless, semi-erotic, you need someone to take you there, sandy, why can't we look the other way, why can't we just play the other game, why can't we just look the other way?"

[5:01pm]

People just don't understand my opinions and thoughts. But I don't understand theirs, so at least we're even.

This model is the future. Don't argue with us, we know what is right. We design your cars, your telvisions, your refridgerators, your bands, your idols, your lives. Leave everything to us. You are safe and easily manipulated in our hands.

Today = Realising my extent. Wow did I talk a lot yesterday. But there was good reason. I now own Green Day's newest album. Finally. It will be listened to muchly. This may seem like a quick little entry, but I'm home for the weekend and there's a live Radiohead gig on TV. I have a tape ready, now all the television needs is me in front of it. I will return on Monday. [I hope you are OK]

"cigarettes and ramen and a little bag of dope, i am the sonuvabitch and edgar allen poe, raised in the city under a halo of lights, product of war and fear that we've been victimized"

[2:32pm]

Full stop.

The sun rises, but it only seems that way, I said to everyone around me. They didn't listen, they just kept believing what their eyes told them instead of what their minds told them. Thinking with your eyes is not the way to think. Don't be so melodramatic. Realise simplicity.

Today = Hyper. Blink were amazing! So amazing! Their show was fantastic! OK, I'll write a mini-review. The first band out, The Kinison, stepped out ready to play. A microphone problem got their show off to a bad start, and to be honest, their mood didn't really fit the night. They were bottled and given many insults. But they played until the end of their set, and it was a shame they had to start their UK life like this. They have potential, but they should tour with Finch next time. Meanwhile, Sugarcult stepped out onto the stage looking like some creation of Tim Burton. Clad in tight black (or in one case, white) leather jackets, looking very thin and with hair looking greased up with sweat, they began to play. And we listened. And we loved. Great bouncy punk-pop one minute, pounding pure punk the next. Rollercoaster ride. Then, after much anticipation, out stepped blink-182. They didn't have to prove anything to me, because I knew how good they were going to be. From the first song to the last, I felt like I'd had this experience before, like I knew the band even. By the end I was drained, but ecstatic. An amazing gig. And as a side-note, after the gig me and some friends waited outside and caught the band. We got autographs. I got Mark, Travis and Rick Devoe's autographs anyway, but Tom missed me. But I saw him, which is good enough for any blink fan. [I hope you are OK]

"should i go back, should i go back, should i, i feel alone and tired, should i go back, should i go back, should i, i know i won't forget you"

[2:49pm]

What was it you ordered? Chips, sausages, burger, peas, toast, bacon, a clean healthy lifestyle? Our menu does cover all aspects of food and life. Decisions made for you, 2 for 1 offer at the minute. Try not to get sucked into our marketing ploys. You buy what we tell you to, you do what we tell you to. You obey us and no-one else. You are the lowly consumer, we are the feeder. Enjoy your meal.

Good lord she said nobodies eyes should look that bloodshot you cannot even tell what colour theyre meant to be you should really get some sleep especially because of all the work you have to do and the friends you have to keep happy. I want to get away, that's all.

Today = Wondering what the hell is going on. So I'm going to see blink-182 tonight. Not a band that seems like "me" nowadays, but who knows anything about me? You turn one corner, figure one thing out, then I go and contradict that part of myself. A mirror that shows more than one reflection. Anyway there's been a bit of confusion. I'm getting a lift, but I'm not yet sure what time that's happening. It seems people are making plans for me behind my back and I'd rather do what I want to do. The pick-up time will be easily sorted. I have a distinct taste of toffee in my mouth. People shouldn't leave their donuts lying around. Donuts? I mean doughnuts. Got to stop being America-homogenised. The sun is out today. It doesn't mean the weather will be warm, but at least it'll look like a nice day to cover up all of my insecurities as I walk down the street bathed in light. [I hope you are OK]

"take a chance and step outside, lose some sleep and say you've tried, meet frustrations face to face, a point of view creates more waste"

[10:56am]

Did you wait? /lying mouth-today/

Mysterious stains on my fingers. I knew something was wrong when I didn't leave any footprints in the snow. Floating off to someplace new. A lifeless corpse that has more social life than I do.

Today = Doing the tests. I always get sucked into tests like these. Wow... look at those results. You sure you still want to be my friend? Anyway, I went to bed at 5 this morning, which is an early night for me, and then kept waking up. So I made some black coffee and left it to go cold on my desk while I drifted off properly. Typical really, I decide to stay awake and suddenly I can't manage it. So I woke up about an hour ago to the sound of people living their lives. That sound scares me sometimes. [I hope you are OK]

"i'd tell all my friends, but they'd never believe, they'd think that i'd finally lost it completely, i'd show them the stars, and the meaning of life, they'd shut me away, but i'd be all right, all right.."

[3:40pm]

We're too close now to ever go back. Hold on tight. Can you wait? /lying mouth-1day/

Feelings aren't feelings, they're expressions. Pathways into people's true emotions and judgement. Tell us you don't believe that fact. We were raised on the beliefs of others, now we're breaking out and forming our own opinions.

Today = Rushing around. Sorry if the entry seems a little rushed today. I didn't get out of bed until quarter to one and I have a seminar at two. I always like to be there early because one of my friend's is and we have a bit of a natter. Plus I need to tell him I lost his library card. Long story. So basically I'll be running off to my seminar now. Another boring chapter in the day. [I hope you are OK]

"oh, i don't what made me, what gave me the right, to mess with your values, and change wrong to right"

[1:30pm]

Thrown left, thrown right, but which direction will our opinions go in? Can you wait? /lying mouth-2days/

It is possible for me to understand. But I need a clearer image to focus on. Had enough of your optical illusion feelings. I want to be able to see right through you. Stop being so opaque.

Today = Awaiting payment. I paid my loan cheque into my bank account today. I can probably expect the money sometime after Thursday, or on that day. Whatever, as long as it comes through eventually. Two years running I've had problems getting my money and both times it's been no-one's fault but the comapany's. I get the feeling that something is against me. [I hope you are OK]

"must I always take a back seat, must I always be your clown, did you ever really love me, were you always coming down?"

[3:45pm]

Even as the dark closes in, we still have a light to follow. Can you wait? /lying mouth-3days/

Uncertain of our futures, pointing out the blame. Everyone will falter, everyone's the same. Nothing is clear, nobody knows why. Everyone will falter, everyone's lost time.

Today = Blank. Well it's a Sunday, what did you expect? I was up until very late/early watching Channel 4's Top 100 UK Movies based on how many people went to the cinema to see them. We've already had most of the Star Wars movies except Episode I and Episode IV, and a load of Disney movies too. Most of the Pixar movies have already cropped up. The final fifty are being counted down tonight from 8. I watched Star Wars, Mallrats and Donnie Darko afterwards and eventually got to bed at 5am. And I woke up and hour ago. And that's my day so far. Fun. [I hope you are OK]

"see my true reflection, cut off my own connections, i can see life getting harder, so sad is this sensation, reverse the situation, i can't see it getting better, i'll walk you through the heartbreak, show you all the out takes, i can't see it getting higher, systematically degraded, emotionally a scapegoat, i can't see it getting better"

[4:34pm]

Long after your countdowns end, I will still be revelling in mine. Can you wait? /lying mouth-4days/

A land of fantasy and woe. It was everything I ever dreamed of and worse. Now I can spend eternity running away from all my fears. But they always catch up, one step at a time.

Today = Missing closing times. So I was going to pay my cheque into the bank today. By the time I got there they were shut. I need to start waking up earlier and checking closing times. As promised, there are new lyrics posted in the usual place. Enjoy/writhe/cringe... whichever you prefer. For a minute there I thought it was Friday. [I hope you are OK]

"and it scares the hell out of me, and the end is all i can see"

[4:20pm]

Hold your breath until the very end. Can you wait? /lying mouth-5days/

it now looks like you bad days will begin. can't say i didn't warn you, tell you of what was definitely coming some time soon. one day, some way, you won't follow me anymore. the final nail in that final coffin in our final farewell.

Today = On top of somebody else's world. I popped into Uni and picked up a cheque for £1013 half an hour ago. So finally I have money. Not much, to be honest, but some. I'm sure £29 will go a long way. I'm trying to think of some way to celebrate, but I can't think of anything. Well I'll probably sit around and have a Tarantino-a-thon and then a zombie-a-thon. That'll keep me amused for hous. I was going to post some more new lyrics today, but I have so much other paperwork in my pockets regarding my loan that I didn't bother. But tomorrow there will be new lyrics. [I hope you are OK]

"money can't buy back, your youth when you're old, or a friend when you're lonely, or a love that's grown cold, the wealthiest person, is a pauper at times, compared to the man, with a satisfied mind, when my life has ended, and my time has run out, my friends and my loved ones, ill leave there's no doubt, but one thing's for certain, when it comes my time, i'll leave this old world, with a satisfied mind"

[5:19pm]

They are scared to change in case they alienate everyone. You change frequently, embracing alienation and attention. Can you wait? /lying mouth-6days/

Left on the sideline, open mouthed. What where when did this happen? Why don't they understand what they see? Revolution seems so far away in the distance. It will die long before it arrives. We'll never know the true horror that overthrowing brings.

Today = Strangely omniscient. Went to bed at 9 last night, woke up at 2am. Played GTA for three hours, slept again until 4pm. Came to library. Well that about sums up my day. I got a letter from the Student Loan Company comfirming my unassessed cheque was arriving. Apparantly it arrived last Wednesday, the day after my meeting with the financial advisor. Hmm, they work fast when important people talk to them, huh? So tomorrow I'll hopefully hold in my very hands a cheque for £1013! You'll surely find out tomorrow if this is true. But most of it will be going straight to other people. £882 goes to University. £102 goes to landlord. So I'll have £29 to myself. Wow. The rest of my money better hurry up and get here after they sort out the problems.. [I hope you are OK]

"don't corner me, don't sit on me, don't make up excuses, but don't bury me from what they've got to say"

[5:36pm]

Shadows paint such a pretty picture sometimes. Can you wait? /lying mouth-7days/

Whatever you want to throw in his direction, he'll blink once or twice and shake it off. There's no way you could possibly bring him down. The only thing that can do that is him. When he's backed into a corner, he'll crawl back out and lie down. Submit. Give in to it all, it's far too much to handle right now. He needs to be left alone. Give him some room, some water, some time.

Today = Stuck. I'm walking around in a video-game today. Everywhere I look, I just see GTA. I feel like I'm losing my already nearly gone mind. This game has taken over my life. Every single limb, every single organ, every single bone and every single blood cell are charged for playing this game. So why am I here? Well I had a few things to deal with today. Firstly the loan company wanted some forms from my dad to prove that he wasn't getting any extra benefits, so he gave them to me to bring back to Sunderland to give to the finance department to send to the company. Did you get all that? It's OK, you can always read it again. But anyway, the loan company has re-sent a letter that they apparently sent in September, which didn't arrive and I didn't find out about until I went to see my University financial advisor last week. So now my dad has to fill that form in and send it back with the forms. So I had to go to the post office and send them back. Which I've done, and was one of the reasons I left the house. The other reason was of course to update my ever-popular, infinitely-visited website! Well at least I've achieved something today. The securing of my loan cheque in full and the satisfaction of my three worthy followers here. Or is that four? If I'm lucky. [I hope you are OK]

"i saw a liquid control, that gives life to a soul, i hit my head on it and woke up to know, that i was all alone, wearing just socks and a phone, someone's screaming like their world might explode, yeah i'm freezing and losing my way, i don't need another map of your head"

[12:59pm]

They handed over the fifty pound notes and you created something from it. Made from money, made of money? Can you wait? /lying mouth-8days/

He wakes up and stares. He didn't do it, after all that careful planning. He jumps out of bed and reaches for his whiskey glass. He fills it to the brim shakily and downs it. He stares at the ceiling, ready for another day.

Today = Sleeping-in. I slept in just a bit. I went to bed at 9pm last night after being awake for 28 hours straight and didn't wake up until 3pm today. And what am I going to do when I get home? Play GTA of course. It's a safer addiction than other things! And if I don't go out, I don't spend money drinking and such. See it all makes sense. [I hope you are OK]

"did you get your heartache and your head rush confused, have you been sleeping late cause you've been abused, are you alone, does it feel like those around want you to die, are you alive"

[4:45pm]

half-baked rushed out slap it all together quickly do we have the time? Can you wait? /lying mouth-9days/

I am very aware of my own future, my own fate. I have accepted it and the fact that there is nothing I can do to prevent it. Changing the course of things to be never works.

Today = Relieved. Phew, I got my essay handed in on time. And I will soon be receiving loan cheque money (hopefully). And I have GTA. Things really are looking up up up. How long can this last last last? I was desperately trying to think of at least one more thing to say... new lyrics on the usual page. [I hope you are OK]

"made the fatal mistake, like i did once before, a tendency just to take, til the purpose turned sour"

[2:10pm]

Time to make sure the facts are all straight before we carry on. Can you wait? /lying mouth-10days/

It's all about the way we live, the way we try, the way we no longer fight for what we believe in. This is why we crumble and decay and fall apart within ourselves. There is no going back and no moving forward.

Today = Feeling... guilty? Haven't updated for a few days due to general passing out at home and enjoying the amount of food. Sorry if any of you feel inconvenienced. I heard the new version of Do They Know It's Christmas? and was very very impressed and very very happy that so many of my favourite musicians took part. Well done to all the people who did it because they genuinely believed in what they were singing for and burn in hell all the people who are doing to further their careers. It is currently very early in the morning and I am the very proud owner of GTA: San Andreas. I bid you all farewell for the next several months. You may hear from me now and again. If you're lucky. [I hope you are OK]

"do they know it's christmas time at all?"

[2:41am]

No, the eyes may be red but no we cannot stop yet! They have to turn black first! Can you wait? /lying mouth-13days/

All that strain caused by the constant darkness. If only a crack of light had been let in. Anyone could snap under these conditions. Who knows if it's day or night? What day of the week it is? What year it is? We cannot know for sure, we simply do not have enough information. Although we try, we still see nothing. Darkness darkness and then darkness. Awaiting us all.

Today = Aware but daydreaming. I'm kind of distracted today. Everything is all over me, and I'm noticing vividly every single detail. This could be caused by lack of sleep mixed with a strong will to stay awake. I am awaiting an appointment with one of my University's financial counsellors to try and help me sort my money problems out. It may help, it may not. The only way to find out is to be there. 11:30am. This meant that I had to stay up all night otherwise I would have slept through everything. Fortuanately I had the useful help of gaming and caffiene to keep me going all night. My future awaits. On a final note, the lyrics in my entry here are not meant to confuse. Think -he goes by the name "hay-suz"- rather than the usual pronunciation. [I hope you are OK]

"when they nail my pimpled ass to the cross, i'll tell them i found jesus that should throw them off, he goes by the name jesus and steals hubcaps from cars, oh jesus can i borrow your crowbar, to pry these god damn nails out they're beginning to hurt, crucified and all I got was this lousy t-shirt, i can't believe it's not butter i'll sing as i'm flogged, yeah that's what i would do if i were god"

[7:21pm]

They're baking it to just the right temperature so that we can handle the taste. It may be bitter, it may be sweet, but we won't be deterred. Can you wait? /lying mouth-14days/

Look at us all against the wall. We don't care what the others think, we do what we will. But myself, I want to break away from this broken away group and start over myself. Start my own group of one. My own policies for no-one but me. That sounds like one man's heaven, but it's everyone's hell. Backed against the wall rather than leaning on it. Now things have changed.

Today = Feeling too real. I don't know, things suddenly seem pointless again. I'm not even looking forward to my console playing. But as soon as I get some coffee and noodles down me I'll probably be fine. Plus it's Children in Need this Friday. Lots of charity and lots of comedy. I always look forward to that night. Plus I'll be back in Bishop so I'll have all the food and TV I need. For now I'll trudge back to my home in Sunderland and listen to some obscure music. [I hope you are OK]

"i'm on it, get on it, the troops are on fire, ya know i need it, much closer, i'm trading (or treading), just a little more, step on it, electronic, the troops are on fire, i'm much deeper, a sleeper, waiting for the vinyl trip"

[7:21pm]

There will be millions who don't tune in... but the few thousand who do will know it was worth this wait. Can you wait? /lying mouth-15days/

Now who do I turn to when everyone thinks I'm fine? Now that I managed to convince the many of my freedom from problems? Are these merely thoughts or protrusions into the deeper recesses of my feelings? All of these questions and many more unlikely to be answered any time soon.

Today = Not as stressed. But still not feeling great, but when was the last time I did? I got a letter from the student loan people. Telling me much I owe them after that first year. Damn them. Where's my money? Surely me being able to live is more important than their money? Obviously not to them. Apart from that there's nothing happening. I did add more lyrics to that same old place though. [I hope you are OK]

"this is the room, the start of it all, no portraits so fine, only sheets on the wall, i've seen the nights, filled with bloodsports in vain, and the body is obtained, Where will it end, where will it end, where will it end, where will it end?"

[3:11pm]

Monday, November 15, 2004

Extra update. As a gamer, I find this to be highly fascinating. It's also a good way to underhandedly fight the power, which is what I'm all about.

[4:23pm]

Monday, November 15, 2004

We'll see ourselves as we have never seen. The TV reflection in our eyes will say nothing of how we feel inside. Can you wait? /lying mouth-16days/

Becoming far more understandable is more than one step away. The feeling is that being that certain kind of enigma is more out there than being normal and living that normal life. Bowing down and giving in to society was never my way of doing things. I like being me, but I like being someone else for even a short amount of time. Take my thoughts away from me and put them in a box. Lock it and keep them on top of that cupboard you have in your living room. The dust it will accumulate over the next few decades will hide its original purpose, and it will become part of the house rather than part of the furniture. One day, take it back down.

Today = Stressed. Still no loan cheque, still no solution to life's problems. OK so it will take more than money to solve that latter problem. But I've made an appointment with a "financial counsellor" who'll "make everything all right". I've got to stop making things look like a government manifesto, with all these little "hints towards controversy". Well, guess that's all I really have to say. [I hope you are OK]

"a legacy so far removed, one day will be improved, eternal rights we left behind, we were the better kind, two the same, set free too, i always looked to you, i always looked to you, i always looked to you"

[4:14pm]

Sunday, November 14, 2004

They will watch until they can no longer focus. Can you wait? /lying mouth-17days/

Finding it harder to recognise a smile or friendly gesture. No more sense telling me which is what texture. Many more reasons to stay at home. There is no more point to outdoor activities.

Today = Agorophobic. I didn't really feel like leaving the house today, but after lounging around in bed until 4pm, I decided I may as well get down here and update. But to be honest, I haven't really got anything interesting to say. I need to sweep up some more inspiration from the dusty corners of my mind that haven't been looked through yet. But until I do that, I will be hypnotised by all-night coffee-drinking and console-playing. Until further notice I am Ethanised.

"near a sea of pianos, there were waves of chords that crashed against the shore in one huge and useless roar, and there were girls bringing water, like a dream they came to cure the fever of my brain, and soothe my burning throat, and they made me a necklace, hanging beads of sweat on a string of my regrets, and placed it round my neck and they were singing, don’t you do what you’ve wanted to, yeah, don’t destroy yourself like those cowards do and maybe the sun keeps coming up because it has gotten used to you and your constant need for proof"

[4:50pm]

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Feeling uncomfortable. They're all talking about me, I know it. Can you wait? /lying mouth-18days/

Lonely pixels dance along the screen. It looks like something somewhere has crashed.

Today = Wanting see to the oh to the double eff double ee. I've been swallowed by the pull of the console! Lost to the world, or at least to the pixels. But this has always been the way I've lived, so it's not really that surprising that I've been sucked back in again.

"after years of waiting, nothing came, and you realize your looking, looking in the wrong place"

[4:07pm]

Friday, November 12, 2004

I am the holder of mysteries. Can you wait? /lying mouth-19days/

A Cool Briefing
[a]This will quicken my heartbeat tonight. The clouds form a familiar shape, one that we've all seen somewhere. A documentary or film perhaps.
[b]Looks like this time we are out of luck, as seconds pass, our deaths draw closer. The shockwave is eating up the landscape that we can see from this, the top window of this building.
[c]Everything begins to move in s-l-o-w-m-o-t-i-o-n. The drama rises as everyone dives for cover. It's so pointless, there's no escape from this harbinger of doom.
[d]Who called the order, who had the guts?
[e]This is as shocking as it is horrifying, all of our worst fears imagined.
[f]A witness to the panic 1st-hand, will there be any survivors to give their 2nd-hand accounts? All that man forged to create is being destroyed now, wiped out by one simple mistake.
[g]Foolish.
[g][g]Foooooolish.
[h]Maybe this planet will be better off without us though, we have only brought death and misery with us. US THE MORONS, US THE DESTROYERS, US THE PLAGUE, US THE CURSE OF OUR HOME.
[i]All these thoughts race through my mind as the third (3rd) second (2nd) passes. Now that my mind is clear, I can await the fateful sixth (6th) second (2nd), when our haven will be no more. I await that second (2nd), and the screaming of all begins. But I just smile a knowing smile. Soon the world will be cleansed of its filth, our final mistake has been made. A new era (0). It will rise from the ashes.

Ah no i'm dying i'm dying get it away from me. What w