This is where I hide

After dreams about other people's suicides, I wake up in a cold sweat. Shaking, I get out of bed and stagger to the window. I don't exactly know what I'm trying to achieve. I grab a nearby glass and wobble down the stairs to get a glass of water. I'll never sleep soundly again.

Like a flower opening in the sunlight. The window groans and creaks. I lean out and shout at passersby to help me et over my fear of leaving this room, but nobody even turns their head. I shut the window and draw the curtains. The television shows the same old static, so I crawl back into bed.

I'm not looking forward to work tonight. But I always say that and after half an hour I'm always enjoying myself. [I hope you are OK]

The sound came from the bottom of the stairs. As usual. I tried to leap out of bed, but found that I was frozen to the spot. Damn fear! Damn cowardice! All I could do was listen as my door creaked open. I squuezed my eyes shut beforehand. Now what will happen?

People breeze past like leaves on the wind. I can't help but feel that we could all be feathers one day. Soaring higher, more beautiful.

No seminars yesterday. Turns out there is none in the first week. Now I'm off to buy a bottle of wine. [I hope you are OK]

There is no national anthem for the place I am in right now. There are no words to speak or sing. Let me flow away, like a leaf in a stream. And then maybe I'll find a home.

I blink in the midday sun and try to remember a time when I thought that was the warmest feeling I had. Now it makes me shiver to think about it. I was never cut out for this kind of work, and I know too well that I can't go back again.

I got up at 8am to go to a seminar at 9 only to find that the tutor didn't turn up. I'm going to the 11 seminar to see if that's any different, and it better be! I'm don't want to have got up that early for nothing! [I hope you are OK]

Walking the line and following the stream as it flows to it's source. The hill is high, but I struggle up it anyway. Fields, miles and miles of fields. Is this where I want to be? I trip and fall down into a ditch. Maybe this isn't my home after all.

Almost an answer. That's what slipped from their lips. Past the teeth all the way into the air around us all. We cheer, and we celebrate. The sun sets and we all stumble home blindly in the dark.

I had a bad turn yesterday. I felt really ill sometime in the late afternoon, and couldn't make it to the library. I don't feel too great today either. [I hope you are OK]

Strength in number is merely a myth, there is nothing an army of people can do against an explosion. As we sit with our heads between our knees, we know exactly what the moral of the story is. But it slips from our minds.

More things I shouldn't know. How do people get away with lying? Why is it that the sky remains still whilst we all swarm around the streets? How can we sleep at night?

Put down your pens and start acting. There's no way of winning if we just sit and write about "the things that should be done". If people don't listen, we can get back to staining our pages with ink.

The room seems to be seperate from the rest of the house. A floating room, suspended in mid-air, complete with a door and windows. Somebody walks through and above my head, walking on nothing. I leave the room and shut the door behind me. I'm not meant to know these things.

21. Twenty-one. Interesting, I still don't feel any different. [I hope you are OK]

So many things can be put into our bodies to make us feel different. Either better or worse, higher or lower. But when people start to realise the benefits of ignoring this side of culture, who will make the money? By now everyone knows that something is forever wrong.

Slower and then faster. The cars whizz past me at speeds I thought unimaginable. By the time I find somewhere to rest my feet, people in metallic monsters are already home, or dead.

My DS has given me much amusement. I've started collecting the X-Files series, complete with a fan magazine with every DVD. [I hope you are OK]

I don't feel like any stories are going to come to me today, so I shall just recount what happened last night. Last week in my hometown of Bishop Auckland, one boy died of a methadone overdose and his best friend was found unconscious beside him. The funeral was last night. As I was walking home with a friend, we saw a funeral-goer climb up onto the railway bridge just across the street from us. Now the fall wouldn't have killed him, but serious injury would definitely have ensued. I dialled 999 (whoever says mobile phones are a waste of time should consider this) and the police rushed to the scene. We were eventually moved along as the usual coaxing began to get the boy down, and we happened upon two other funeral-goers, one of whom was the best friend of the deceased. Me and my friend walked with them, as they had to take a detour around town to get home, since their friend was on the bridge. The police, obviously, could not allow them to walk past or interfere. During the walking that followed, I built up a picture of two people who have been absolutely destroyed by this incident, and by the sounds of them, they would never be doing anything ever again. The bigger of the two gave me a parting hug, and told me that he had changed his opinion of "goths". I will remind you that I am not a goth in the least, but still, his comment and appreciation for what I had done really touched me. Everyone has a good place in them somewhere. And on a suddenly entirely more unimportant note, I've begun my Winter-Een-Mas holidays in style by buying myself a DS, complete with Mario Kart and two GBA games- Harvest Moon: Friends Of Mineral Town and the oringal Zelda game (as part of the NES classics series). [I hope you are OK]

I fell asleep at the worst possible time, and when I awoke it was all over. I rubbed my eyes and gazed from my window to see that the horizon was on fire, and where there once was buildings, there was now nothing.

He's made the most mistakes, the most errors, and has omitted more than anybody else in our search for the true reasons. But still we bow, still we kiss his feet. We should know better by now.

Back to Monday, and another week has begun. What will happen, I'm not entirely sure of. [I hope you are OK]

Everyone is convinced that the villainy is well and truly over, but when things like trust fail to strike a chord with anyone, we know we will never be free from lies and suffering.

No matter which piece of land I stand on, I never feel at home. I can't settle in one place or one frame of mind. If I make a decision, sometimes I feel like I should change my mind straight away. Nowhere is my home.

People are forever looking over my shoulder. I feel like I'm being invaded, my personal space is being slowly but surely TAKEN OVER! As much as my privacy is being preyed upon by everyone else, I can still manage the slow walk home without turning on someone and asking what it is they want from me.

I caught someone out, and they weren't happy. I saw them trying to break into a car, and they turned and ran. But the next day my house was the victim of stones and rotten eggs. So what do we get for making where we live a safer place? We get abuse, taunts and violence. I decided to move somewhere else again. There must be somewhere calm.

I'm going for a drink in an hour, so I shan't be around long. [I hope you are OK]

Suddenly, everything has changed. Just one sentence that arrived to me changed my entire view on the world around me. Now the walls bleed yellow from every corner and my vision is fading.

Contemplating what I am going to make for my supper when I get home, I cross the street as the lights blink green and red. There is a hole in the road. Holes again, they seem to be appearing everywhere lately.

I am the person who guards his door, making sure that nobody gets in but him. One day, out of pure curiosity, I decided to take a quick look in the room. It had been tugging at every nerve in my body since I started doing this job. After a quick look, it wasn't really worth risking my job over.

Slowly was how I started off, walking step by step back home. But walking through these streets at night was never something I enjoyed doing, so gradually my footsteps quickened, and the echoes rang through the quiet rainy streets. A carrier bag blew by, and I was so caught up in its flight that I didn't notice the car crawling towards me.

I'm going for a drink tonight. My usual bottle of wine sat at one of the tables in the Tut 'N' Shive. [I hope you are OK]

Damp seeps though the plaster, and the walls are eaten away. As the decay continues, I still keep myself wrapped up in my mouldy blankets. The ceiling collapses, and I fear that asbestos is digging its way into my veins, through my bloodstream. I run out into the street and cough up blood, but this is normal. I'm not too worried.

A carrier bag full of secrets. That's what he carries as he stumbles home after another night drinking. What he keeps in that bag is unknown to me and everyone else who passes him on the street. But they did find him dead in an alleyway in the morning. And his carrier bag was nowhere to be found.

I'm at work tonight, and that's about the only exciting thing I can tell you. [I hope you are OK]

As faces melt through the walls and cloud my memory, I suddenly remember the good times. The times when I wasn't haunted by things that never happened. Why do I get these visions of things I've never seen?

There was a dip in popularity, and then we fell and fell. The people who once loved us have thrown us away. Being in the limelight is hard when everyone is so fickle.

Back in Bishop and nothing is happening. I've just decided to drink a lot again. [I hope you are OK]

After the war came the famine. There were less resources than we expected to keep us going and one by one the victors died. So what was the point?

Calling up people on the phone who aren't alive anymore is a fruitless task. There will never be a reply, never a voice on the other side. Not one that you expect anyway.

Back home in Bishop to another two weeks of drudgery. I can't believe how much I'd actually missed Sunderland. [I hope you are OK]

(III)- What scares me the most is how many weapons mankind feels that it needs. Enough explosive power to destroy us all one way or another. I just wonder how long it will be. It could be hundreds of years away, or it could be a few days away. We are so unstable it is impossible to predict the date of our demise. Just hope it happens in your sleep. What clever words I write! This is the view of some people I know, but it never justifies the value and deeper meaning of these writings. Look past the pattern of the prose and stop trying to read between the lines. Hidden meanings shall remain hidden. I will disguise my words, wrap them around sentences and syllables so that only I can see them. I apologise in advance for not revealing myself fully. You can not expect any more or less from me.

Bragging rights are now outweighed by the knowledge that the knowledge you acquired was not acquired by the usual standards we usually expect. We can now officially throw you out of office.

There's no blood here, how can you expect to launch an investigation now? Holes in the wall, glass on the floor, scribblings on the walls. This seems like mere madness.

All calls are recorded for training purposes, your statutory rights will not be affected, please see base of tin for best before date, buy one get one free, sale sale sale, we never lie to anyone, we never hide the facts.

After the phone stopped ringing, somebody told me that someone I knew had gone away for a long holiday. I laid back and accepted that as the only feasible reason I hadn't seen them for so long. Then ten years later I decided that somebody had spun a tale.

I'm going back to Sunderland for a short time tomorrow. I have essays to write. [I hope you are OK]

Something here is amiss, but to pinpoint the exact detail would mean nothing for us. There would be no more luaghing, no more queuing and no more miraculous survivors.

They keep suggesting things to me that make no sense. As people dive for cover, I wonder what exactly they are hiding from. I walk unarmed into the field and see no danger there.

Surprise surprise. Nothing new has happened today. It's been so long since I sat down to write. Perhaps this coming week I will scrawl some words. [I hope you are OK]

Crying out for a change, something to break. Something must break soon. Turn a corner and find an answer, find the darkness before you find the light.

I walked through my door as usual and dropped my keys on the floor. I yawn and stumble blindly towards my living room door. Looks like there's more holes in the floor. I wonder what causes these things?

Things that seems to always occur when time stops never cease to become frightening in the eyes of people who do not understand the fluctuation.

As another meter blows, another leak starts and there is becoming less and less air for us to breathe. When the pipelines all run thick with smoke we'll all be trapped indoors.

Today has been another day of nothing for me. I'll be drinking shortly. [I hope you are OK]

People live up to such farces as though they're too used to everything that happens around them. But when the time comes for me to be cast away from everyone else, I don't want any lies to be told or stories to be embellished.

Throwing things onto the fire that won't even burn, I notice that the sky is changing colour again. Some would say that I'm too different to be part of the in-crowd, but I don't mind. I don't mind at all.

Funerals are awful. The more I go to, the more I think about how much I hate Catholicism and Christianity. I have no time for chants and prayers in my life. I shall forever remain agnostic and as far away from a church as I can when I can be. [I hope you are OK]

Through everything else comes an answer to something. Besides all the mistakes and omissions comes the truth. But despite this knowledge of all things quiet, I'm still not sure who is ever who.

A day can pass too fast and a night can pass too slow. I should recognise this face but for some reason the darkness is getting to me. Thinking about things for too long can only lead to further confusion.

Stuck between a rock, a hard place and an even harder place. Two parents that hate each other, one funeral. One parent has already claimed me as their companion for the day, the other one has no idea about this. The sooner tomorrow morning is over, the better. [I hope you are OK]

A sharp word cuts the air like a hot knife through melting butter. The harsh sounds of the word circle everybody around us and settles in the ears of the recipient. And then the fighting begins.

Thirteen days from then, still there was no word from anyone. It seemed like the years we spent building this project up, it was going to end in this tragic way.

So after a few new CDs and DVDs and some harsh words directed at stupid people who decide to hover around outside stores and insult everyone that walks past, I wish you all a Happy New Year. [I hope you are OK]

As I make mistakes, so does everybody else. I cannot be held responsible for everything I do. Please forgive me if I ever do anything wrong. It's my own fault for being so critical and condesending.

I couldn't open my door. I found that as I slight state of emergency. So I ran back upstairs and asked for help, but nobody was around to help me to my feet. There's just no way of finding help these days.

We are all flawed, there's no way of being perfect. I apologise for being a stupid person. [I hope you are OK]

I don't even care anymore. If people can't deal with their situations, why should that affect my life in any way? I live for me, and even that is hard enough to do sometimes.

The night fell even quicker than usual tonight. I fell down some stairs and tripped over some inanimate objects. And when I finally managed to claw my way back to my feet, somebody told me that it wasn't even worth it.

Other people have amazing talents, like being able to drag me down with them and annoy me intensely with their whining when there are an infinite number of people worse off than themselves. Enjoy your life while you have it, and if you don't, you may as well go and kill yourself. I'm really starting to be beyond caring. [I hope you are OK]

People flee in all directions, scattering the snow and sending cars screeching off the road. As the swarm approaches, people cluster together in desperate attempts to protect themselves. But this fruitless act soon leaves everyone split up, abandoned to the inevitable.

Never before had the world seen such an act. As the snow fell and ash rained down on our faces, all we could think about was what we were going to watch on television that night.

I'm very cold, and as you can probably guess, the snow is coming down pretty hard here. My feet are numb. Today I shall be doing not much, followed by very little. I have no work for three days. [I hope you are OK]

When the sun sets, they think they can get away with anything. Darkness sets the night up for a disaster. As the moon looks upon things terrified, people are at war with each other.

Thoughts are clinging to my memories, and memories are dangling from a thin thread. I refuse to be a slave of my feelings, and to blur things out, wine seems like the best option.

I'm still very tired, as I was at work last night. But I'm going for a drink this afternoon at the cricket club, and then I'm going for a Christmas Eve drink at the Tut And Shive too. Even though I hate this holiday more than any other, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas. [I hope you are OK]

We are banner supported, never worry about how we feel about other people. Perhaps someone drinks more than they should, perhaps someone injects more than they should. The judgements will come later.

The supports holding everything up suddenly gave way and everyone toppled to the ground. After we had found the survivors, we attempted to establish what had happened, but several people deterred our investigation.

I've been for a drink, and I'm at work tonight. Not intelligent. [I hope you are OK]

The words he wrote are nonsensical, but somehow I understand them. I tell my remaining party to keep low and keep quiet, and thankfully they do so. A scythe swings low above our heads. Someone panics and that is the last time they ever scream. I fall to the ground and decide that giving up now is the best option. Why suffer all of this when you can slowly starve to death?

Don't look at me like that. I never asked for this. This INTERESTING development that left us both UNDERGROUND. I look up to the sky and think about the time we used to share. The times we used to LAUGH and run through old buildings together, not caring about the FALLING concrete supports.

I gave people Christmas presents and I helped my dad with his new flat. I also drank a lot and look forward to visiting a friend tonight. [I hope you are OK]

He gets a kick out of being outspoken. His arguments never get to the point and he decides to go against the grain just to be different. But perhaps this is better than being the same as everyone else, hopping on their bandwagons and starting riots.

That was the answer, but since the question changed we need to find something new. Eternally searching for something new, but there's only so many words in our language. Words are meaningless.

I'm in Sunderland, picking up a few things that I forgot last time I was here. Like my guitar, and people's Christmas presents. [I hope you are OK]

When the end comes, who will be looking up and who will be looking down? The ones who look up will see their end coming and accept it, but the ones who look down will not even know they have died, they will never accept such a cruel fate. And as the cities become haunted mounds of ash and rubble, who will be left to shake their head and shed a tear?

The forest of light is calling to me in the darkness, but I know I must avoid it. I try to stray from the path away into the murkily lit streets, but the trees grab me and drag me into the light, into the natural light. I fall amongst dead leaves and gnarled roots. I scrabble around in the dirt and fight my way to my feet. I wander aimlessly, meandering through trees towards nothing at all. The murkily lit streets get further and further away.

I stayed in bed most of today after a visit to a friend's house last night. I have a hectic week coming up. I'm at work tonight, I'm going to Sunderland for the day tomorrow, I'm helping my dad sort out his new flat tomorrow and then I'm visiting a friend, and then I'm at work on Friday. And then it's the Christmas Eve drink in my local pub. [I hope you are OK]

Words flew over my head and affected somebody else in such a different way than it affected me. I look back over my shoulder and wonder when the words that will change my life will come.

Trees sway in the wind, and to me it looks like they're reaching out for me. They lose their leaves in the autumn and decide to reach out for us, and then when they regain their foliage, the greens lure the blind men in.

Nothing happened yesterday. I worked and I drank. Today I've just been down to see my old next door neighbour. She seems to be doing well, she's been in a bit of an accident and hurt her leg, but she's putting up with it well. She gave me some Christmas money, I must make sure to push a card through her letterbox tomorrow. [I hope you are OK]

There aren't any doors in this room, so how did I end up inside? I try to peer through the window, but it's opaque. I sit in the middle of the room and count the tiles on the walls. After throwing myself around for a while, I decide that perhaps it is futile to think too much about the situation.

As everything fades away, I see one smiling face, waving. Somehow the figure seems happy yet sad at the same time. I wave back, and things keep fading. The figure blurs into mere shards of black and white, and then I suddenly snap out of my trance and find myself lying in the middle of my floor again, with an empty bottle of wine residing on my table. I slide myself back up onto my chair and flick through TV channels. There's nothing on again.

Last night's work went OK, they were all lovely people. I have work again tonight, but before that I'm having a few drinks and watching for football results. Because no matter how much I may say I'm not interested about football, I'm still a mere male at the end of the day. [I hope you are OK]

Exhausted, I come to a stop outside an apparently abandoned hotel. I find that the front door is open, and to my surprise, there's a receptionist sat at the desk, smiling to herself. I ask for a room, and it turns out that all the rooms are free. I walk up the stairs and down the corridor to my room, and suddenly all the lights go out and the walls around me age. Cracks appear everywhere, and a few of the doors fall from the hinges. I run back downstairs and find that the recpetionist has gone. I trudge back up to my room and get a good night's sleep after all.

My hat got blown off in the wind, and as I chased it I caught a glimpse of something on the horizon that should not have been there. I stop, letting my hat continue down the street. Wherever the light came from, it seems here to stay.

Last night's party was interesting... I didn't get very drunk and I went to sleep very early. Everyone else went to bed at 5am. I'm still really tired though, and I haven't had anything to eat all day. And I'm at work in an hour. [I hope you are OK]

Politely I excused myself and then strolled down the vast corridors of the building I had worked at for so many years. I smashed a window with my fist and watched the blood drip onto the marble floor. I suddenly felt very guilty. The cleaner had nothing to do with this.

On another one of my many late-night walks, I find a curious object lying in the middle of the road. At first I decide to ignore it, but then curiosity gets the better of me. It is rush hour, and the traffic storms past me at frightening speeds. I dodge and weave my way through the metallic monsters and finally get to the middle of the road. The object is a box, and inside is a small note that reads, "curiosity killed the cat."

I shuffled over to Manor Quay again last night, after the staff/student drink. There wasn't many people at that that I knew, but it was fun visiting a different pub (Fitzgerald's). I wore my hat. [I hope you are OK]

They were bricking you up when I walked through the door. You were balanced against the wall in a hidden room, slightly swaying, and they were about to lock the door. I turned and walked away, hoping that they would believe me when I told them that I would forget what I had seen.

The table surface is so smooth, it was obvious that sliding the glass across it would result in an accident. I stand up and apologise. Afterwards, I tip that table over, and our food is wasted.

I shuffled over to Manor Quay last night. I had a few drinks. I wore my hat. [I hope you are OK]

(II) Your traditions are beikng alienated and our lives are being lifted to areas where we cannot reach. That forbidden, out of reach shelf. If we accidentally interfere with our thoughts there could be secrets unlocked that should remain within ourselves. Wider advertising does indeed lead to the widening of public resentment. Long live commercialism, may it one day destroy us all. It would be a fitting end to a material possessions obsessed society. The downfall of us all will be ourselves, this is a fact that I have made clear on several occasions. But if it will make you more relaxed, you could let these words go over your head and underneath your understanding. When everything is about money, what other goals will we ever have in life but the pursuit of that? It causes wars, death and misery. If applied correctly, it can create happiness.

My essay was done and handed in, and my exam went moderately well. I am now free from uni work until I hand essays in halfway through January. I'm going to spend most of the week intoxicated, with any luck. [I hope you are OK]

Throwing your chances away. A chance you had to make something new for yourself. Be somebody different. But the rut we are all in is the same, just in different ways.

Worried, I shuffle around the room, trying to find what I had lost. I'm not exactly sure what that something is, but when I find it I'll remember.

I just spent all the pay I made over the weekend on CDs, a tie and a rather nifty hat. I have an exam today, and an essay due in. [I hope you are OK]

Even though things in the same places never change, we are always inclined to stare at them anyway. The concrete stays the same, and the atmosphere never changes. So why don't we look at something new?

A creak from upstairs makes me leap from the chair and spill the wine all over the carpet. Lucky for me the carpet is red, just as the wine is. I stalk across the room, and peer around the corner and up the stairs. There doesn't seem to have been anything disturbed in my eyeline. I slowly creep up the stairs, and get to the main bedroom. A scared face turns and stares straight at me. It seems that the owner of the house has returned.

I have work tonight, but that doesn't bother me too much. It's about time I started making money rather than spending it. [I hope you are OK]

Come on in, kick the snow from your feet and brush it from your shoulders. The cold night looks inviting, while the warmth inside is merely tiring. But come in, come in, I never turn anyone away.

A door bangs and my head spins round instinctively. Just the wind. This old house emits creaks and groans all the time, and the doors are all too rickety to stay closed in even the slightest of draughts. I rest my head against the wall and let my eyes wander back to my book. The dust begins to settle around me once more.

I have an exam in one and a half hours that I have no clue about. I might be able to luck my way through it. Then I need to post some stuff and do a little bit of Christmas shopping. [I hope you are OK]

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Stability	\|\|\|\|	13%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|	16%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Religious	\|\|\|\|	16%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Need to dominate	\|\|	10%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|	10%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	64%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
[I hope you are OK]

[5:18pm]

Thursday, December 8, 2005

The way people wonder at the view of the river as the train creaks over the bridge. They stare as if they've never seen this sight before, but it is so breathtaking, there is no way to avert your gaze from it.

And then, once again, I find myself unable to grasp any meaning int he words that are spoken. Why do people never make sense? There is a way of understanding all of this, but there was never any way of saving yourself from the loss.

I've had a night of drinking and a day of drinking. Now I feel ready to sleep it all off. But alas, insomnia calls me and boredom is reaching out its' green and blue hands. [I hope you are OK]

[5:18pm]

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

A casual death, nothing too serious. Going like that is the way to go. Happy and fulfilled. Perhaps he wasn't expecting it, but life is like that sometimes.

Clawing at the walls of my tomb, I realise that there is actually no way out. My nails are shredded, some embedded in the concrete. I slump against the monolith in the middle of the room and take a few short, sharp breaths. I won't have many of those left.

I don't think I should drink as much diesel as I did last night ever again. [I hope you are OK]

[12:53pm]

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

After being knocked to the floor a few times, I was still getting back to my feet. Why did they keep letting me back up? Perhaps next time I should just stay on my back. Then in come the boots, willing me back to my feet.

As I watched time unfurl before me, I took a sip of my tea. Not enough sugar. A car smashes into a bus, a plane falls from the sky. I dump another two spoons of sugar into my cup. A house is swallowed by the ground, the sea is raging and ready to drown everything. Now my tea is too sweet. I go to tip it down the sink.

I bought a new CD player. 3 disc multichanger and two tape decks. I can finally make extra copies of tapes at home. Today I plan on drinking excessively to try and wake myself up. [I hope you are OK]

[10:47am]

Monday, December 5, 2005

I'm on the verge of nothing. As the sky falls for the third time, who will believe me this time? I won't run and tell the king, I won't run and tell anyone. This time I'm hiding, this time I'm hiding.

There was a black line flickering, briefly, before I turned the lights back off. Then there was a buzzing and I tripped over that damn chair again. I fumbled around in the dark for a while, then the black lines flickered again. It was like everything was being erased.

The remainder of my weekend was OK. I think I've been drinking too much though, I don't feel well at all. And my CD player is broken. Finally gave up the ghost last night. [I hope you are OK]

[11:40am]

Saturday, December 3, 2005

As a cigarette hangs lazily from the corner of his mouth, he is very aware of the fact that everyone in the room is looking at him. As he steps back into the corners that nobody else knows, a voice shouts something, inaudible. And then he is gone.

There's a sound in the distance, and it is definitely growing louder. My ears are not deceiving me. I step to the window to listen more closely, and then the sound stops. I sit down and rest my mind for a while, and then the sound starts again, this time coming from the opposite direction. I realise that someone is up to their old tricks again.

Last night's work wasn't too bad. Nothing too serious, just a few people having fun. And tonight is going to be even easier, not many people coming, not as many as last night anyway. [I hope you are OK]

[12:34pm]

Friday, December 2, 2005

(I)- Those attitudes, the ones that float around in the unsympathetic regions. Attitues of regret, regret that maybe we haven't done as much as we can to stop this destruction of ourselves. Attitudes of fear, fear that our years are declining much faster than we think, faster than we can control. But no matter what attitude you hold, there is no changing anything. Write your petty little words, take your meaningless meaningful photographs, and try to admire the beauty. You know that these are insufficient, inane masterpieces. Integrity cannot be shaken but stability can be toppled. How the mighty have fallen, along with their words and gestures. Everybody lies and everyone is corrupt. Everybody smiles but everyone is paranoid. There is a melody and theme to every word written, every tale spun and every fabrication woven.

My cheque cleared today and already I have bought The Futurehead's new EP on vinyl and CD, and also the Radiohead live DVD is finally mine. I'm at work tonight, at the beck and call of 80 people. [I hope you are OK]

[1:16pm]

Thursday, December 1, 2005

As the seasons change, so do the attitudes of people. As the skies turn grey, suddenly there are thoughts of murder in the air. And as the ice streaks across the freezing fields, accidents can never be avoided.

The greatest minds clamour around a small table, and words are passed round along with drinks. This time, the decisions must be final. They must decide what to do with their past mistakes. The man at the head of the table listens to the bickering and bargaining for several minutes before smashing his glass against the far wall. When he speaks, things cannot be changed. As all the eyes fall on him, some quivering, some defiant, he tells them all that the only option now is to live underground.

I didn't get to see �Forward Russia! last night, mainly because my friend for whom I acquired a ticket decided to leave ill without telling me. Only to be heard by me at 4:10am talking to one of his friends who had arrived mysteriously. I think I was cheated. Today is another day for trespassing. [I hope you are OK]

[1:27pm]

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Perhaps my paranoia can one day lead me to some kind of truth, whether that truth is real or in my mind. The workings of others makes me wonder what their aims are. Sometimes I think people are doing things that they are not.

But now who do we turn to? When every last molecule has been melted down and all we have left is a puddle of vapours, there will be no solutions. Splitting the atom to blow us all up.

I didn't buy the Radiohead DVD, I restrained myself. At least I have until my cheque clears. Tonight I'll be seeing �Forward Russia!, and that's a good thing. [I hope you are OK]

[1:33pm]

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

So maybe I should celebrate, throw a party for all those people who ever crossed my path. The gathering would be huge, but the atmosphere would be cloudy. Perhaps it would be best to avoid confrontation.

Nothing planned for an entire year. Pipedreams came and pipedreams went, but still nothing was achieved. When is writing going to become the sole outlet of anguish?

No DJing tonight, not enough people were there last week. If you ask me, they were being a bit hasty in stopping the guest DJ thing after just one week. Whatever. I'm off to buy the new Radiohead live DVD today. Live at the Astoria 1994. [I hope you are OK]

[1:27pm]

Monday, November 28, 2005

I arrived far too early, and the room was as silent and empty as a graveyard. Once the snow has covered everything outside, there's bound to be some traffic delays. Maybe that's why everyone is late. As I ponder on these things, I study the room. The colour scheme is a bit loud for my tastes. Then the door opens, and the cleaner walks in with a mop and bucket and tells me to stop loitering in these rooms. They haven't even been used for five months.

I dropped something else again today. It's getting harder to grip things, harder to hold a knife and fork. The truth can cause strange anomalies, and I was exposed to far too much far too quickly.

Back in Sunderland again, and I have managed to re-equip myself with a phone. It has a camera. [I hope you are OK]

[2:50pm]

Saturday, November 26, 2005

It would be great to be something that everyone else wants me to be, but why change an image when it's easier to live in the dreams I keep having? Change is for the weak.

Rules are sometimes made to be broken. The pieces lie shattered around the kitchen floor and all they can do is stare. Why do they keep staring? Why does nobody make a move to help clean up?

I'm working an excessive amount this weekend, by my standards. I worked 7-11 last night, and I'm doing at the most 6-9 tonight, then 1-4 tomorrow and 7:30-10:30 as well. [I hope you are OK]

[2:07pm]

Friday, November 25, 2005

It never seems to be more than one minute at a time I get to myself. I'm here by myself but somehow I manage to be not alone. Where are those eyes? I can feel them, so they must be here somewhere.

When the end comes, where will you be? When the end comes, will you be fighting to save us all? When the end comes, will you have found yourself? When the end comes, will you be praying for our souls? When the end comes, will you have already died? When the end comes, who will leave victorious?

I had a bit of luck. My housemate was meant to wake me up at half eight so I could get here and do all of my internet doings before my lecture at 11. But he slept in, and I didn't wake up until 10. So I got ready quickly and went straight for my lecture, which is now only running from 12-1 rather than 11-1. So here I am after all. [I hope you are OK]

[11:00am]

Thursday, November 24, 2005

There was an evacuation here once, and as all the people ran from where they were hiding, they knew that there was no way they would be able to get out in one piece.

Cracks are appearing underneath the surface, and soon the ice will break. We'll fall through icy waters and wonder where we might end up. At the end of all this, I was going to ask some questions, but now I think it's too late.

Absolutely nothing to say today. [I hope you are OK]

[2:54pm]

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

It's like a party I wasn't invited to, but I arrived anyway. The eyes didn't know where to stare instead of straight at me. I felt like an outsider viewing an illegal operation. Then I settled in and blurred everything out.

Reflections are better in the darkness, as the light from the ceiling inherits the places where shadows cannot crawl. Spaces are filled with the light from nowhere.

I played to all of three people in Manor Quay last night. It was quite depressing actually. And I spent the last of my money in there too. Perhaps things will pick up in the next few weeks. [I hope you are OK]

[4:30pm]

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Every day, in every way, there are more and more leaks in my mind. Caused by unknown circumstances and brought on further by lapses in concentration. One day there'll be no more mind to waste.

Words spring from nowhere and I find myself up before the moral jury. Hope never springs eternal, it just appears and disappears as fast as it arrives. Life doesn't always come in spring.

Tonight I will be, or at least should be, doing a small guest DJing spot at Manor Quay. Can't really call it a guest spot in the celebrity way unfortunately, but at least I'll get to play the music I want to a few people, I've always found that kind of power quite alluring. [I hope you are OK]

[1:12pm]

Monday, November 21, 2005

Somewhere the equation waits. As we travel further, we get closer to home, closer to an answer. At least that's what we like to believe.

Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I find myself ignored by everyone and everything. It's almost like I'm not even here, a mere shadow walking around this place.

Last night's gig was fantastic. Let me go deeper than that. Last night I found out how powerful, admirable and overwhelming a Mew live show can be. I think it's about time they changed their name to The Best Band In Copenhagen. The set may seem sparse at only four songs, but they were performed fantastically and the music just flowed through eveybody.It wasn't until the end that I realised that they had sent sweet shivers down my spine and shot a beautiful arrow straight into my heart. But of course everybody was waiting for Elbow, and we were not disappointed. Guy came onto the stage and, despite his recent foot injury, pulled off a very energetic and entertaining set, complete with all the best singalongs including 'Newborn', 'Fallen Angel', 'Grace Under Pressure' and the new single and title track of their latest album, 'Leaders Of The Free World'. By the end of the show, everyone seemed drained, but happy. Very happy indeed. And one more thing, I'd like to say hello to my two gig-buddies. I always go to gigs by myself and do my best to make friends at every gig I go to, and the two people I met last night were amazing people. Thanks for keeping me company, sorry if I was an inconvenience in any way. [I hope you are OK]

[11:58am]

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Withheld information. The wires transmit the signals and the words that other people speak. As if anything else could be infinitely possible. The eyes all watch their screens, awaiting some kind of miracle.

When the time comes for you to fly away from us, I hope you will be ready to be set free. Being unprepared is no way to go. Pack your bags, book your ticket and make sure you have a safe flight. So many dangers these days, so many dangers.

I'm going to Ku club for the first time in forever tonight. I love the place, it's just finding other people that want to go. Fortunately, a friend actually suggested it last night. How could I refuse? [I hope you are OK]

[1:15pm]

Friday, November 18, 2005

If a mind is set free, what terrible chaos will they unleash? Keeping things locked in is the one thing we are the best at. As I stand and look in the shop window, considering whether or not to buy this or that, I think too much.

Like water finding its way back to the ocean, I find myself stood here on this patch of ground one again. I'm sick of trying to find meanings for the things I write. I drop my notepad on the floor and throw my pen as far as I can. It lands somewhere on the road in front of me, and is crushed by a car. I smile and wonder if I am free yet.

I broke my phone last night. Nearly a brand new phone. It was in my left pocket when I went to meet a friend last night, and as I ran round a corner, black ice caight me off guard. One slip, one smashed screen. And I have no money to replace it. So once again I am phoneless, at least for two weeks. [I hope you are OK]

[1:11pm]

Thursday, November 17, 2005

It's just one long conveyor belt forwards leading me backwards from where I've just come. I always look back at what I have done and what I should have done differently, and now I stand at the controls of the past. I smile with glee and start to change things indiscriminatly. I somehow, however, manage to miscalculate one change and wipe myself from existence.

Another town with another set of faces all wearing the same blank expression. This place is just a little smaller than the rest. I decide to settle down here, and talk to blank faces endlessly about weather, football and the government. Nothing ever comes of anything.

Well, my mum actually stopped by with her fiance today to drop off my TV stand from back home and give me �15. Bonus, can't complain about that. [I hope you are OK]

[12:25pm]

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

I fall into step two steps behind you and follow, follow, follow. There's no reason for it, I just don't want to be alone in this dark night. As shadows flicker in front of you, suddenly you start to run. Now being alone, I fall to the floor and accept my fate. Whatever that might be.

Orange lights give way to green lights. Then all lights go out. The day I've been waiting for. Now I am free of the colours and I can sleep for a change. But then focus comes back into view and everything blinks back on. I sag in my chair.

My mum's sending me �10. I hope. I've been waiting for packages from Amazon for weeks. I'm thinking about getting some emails sent soon. There is an opportunity for the elite to T.R.E.S.P.A.S.S. today. [I hope you are OK]

[12:40pm]

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I used to do it because I enjoyed to, but now I do it out of mere routine. I breathe on the glass and write my name again, the road slips past silently and I sigh, covering my name up.

From where I'm standing, I can see through everything. The city looks so bright from up here, and so far away. And then a fire starts, and the smoke obscures my perfect view.

I didn't get to sleep until well after 5am this morning and I don't know why. I feel so tired now, and all I want to do is have money to spend. I may have to get in contact with my mum to get her to send some money. [I hope you are OK]

[1:20pm]

Monday, November 14, 2005

Lights twinkle so far in the distance, but that's a place I'm never heading to again. As I trudge along this lonely countryside path, I try to ignore the darkness around me and think instead about the trees and how they're all watching me. Their leaves rustle, and I become increasingly insecure.

Bittersweet apathy is what I exude when I see them like this. Another show that I don't care about. They can do whatever they want, I'm fine in this box, never going to come out.

The Golden Virgins were fantastic, and the support act, Kubichek, were just as impressive. I managed to spend most of my money though, and now I have just enough to see Elbow on Sunday, and nothing else. [I hope you are OK]

[12:32pm]

Saturday, November 12, 2005

It's sad but I agree, these things they just won't last/it's time to part company, but honey it's been a blast. So I say, so they believe, so they listen and so they leave.

Blue and silver mean the sky to me, and brown and green mean the earth. But I could never look you in the eye again until I get some kind of offer. Think carefully upon this idea.

I got a ticket to see The Rakes today, and I've also bought yet another PS2 tennis game. There's no such thing as addiction. I'm going to see The Golden Virgins for the second time ever today. [I hope you are OK]

[1:55pm]

Friday, November 11, 2005

6:18pm- He knows she has dropped the phone, there is that familiar sound of soft carpet, his carpet, despite what lawyers say. Now there is another sound, the sound of heavy footsteps on that carpet. Now a voice, calmer than expected. Well, all he can do now is let the fury out on this newcomer. Rage is flowing out, more than he can control.

6:12pm- After taking a few deep breaths at her door, he now feels ready to walk in and greet her. He can hear her on the phone, her voice is louder than usual. He turns a corner, opens a door and sees her. Then, before he can say a word, she is falling. He runs to her, and hears a loud voice eminating from the receiver. He stoops and picks it up.

And that's the end of that. Today I will be mostly sleeping I imagine. I don't feel too well. [I hope you are OK]

[1:11pm]

Thursday, November 10, 2005

5:55pm- He decided to surprise her. It had been so long since he had seen her. His holiday had been thrust upon him by his employers, to cure his stress and alleged depression. He knew he was fine but everyone else seemed to believe otherwise. He had unwillingly left her behind for three weeks to "relax in the sunshine" and to "escape from the rain-drenched streets."

6:20pm- She was awoken with a glass of cold water. She blinked and opened her eyes slowly, and sat up. Despite her best attempts to pretend everything was fine, she knew straight away that he had retrieved the receiver from the floor and had come into verbal contact with that old fool. Three years and he still hadn't forgiven her and still could not leave her alone.

Final two parts of this will be up tomorrow, and on a different note, my back hurts. [I hope you are OK]

[12:38pm]

Wednesday, November 9, 2005

6:15pm- She curls her hand around the receiver and whispers down the phone line. A door slams as the phone falls to the floor. It was not any specific words spoken that caught her off-guard, merely the volume at which they were spoken. Then she notices the new occupant in the room, and as she follows the phone to the ground, she sees the face.

6:10pm- He holds the receiver closer to his ear and slowly keys her number in. Engaged again. Furiously, he slams the receiver down. Then he notices his glass is empty. Fortunately, his bottle is not. He sweeps the glass aside, knocking it to the floor, and drains the last of the fluid. He snatches the receiver up again and dials her number. This time he gets a dial tone.

First two parts of a six part story today. It would be better to read it all at once, but if you keep up carefully, it should be translatable. [I hope you are OK]

[1:00pm]

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

He forgets things all the time, but always remembers to fall asleep on a night. He always remembers to lock his doors and switch his television off. But he never remembers to think about other people, their feelings of how much to feed them as they stare up from the small window of his basement into the outside street.

Where we are situated and where we are mentally are now two completely seperate things. If only we could gain some kind of answer from somebody perhaps we could come a little closer to home.

I just handed my first essay of the year in. I would have handed it in earlier, but things didn't work out like that. There are some places you can trespass in today. One of the poems looks a lot better on paper, but I think I did a decent job on it here. [I hope you are OK]

[12:06pm]

Monday, November 7, 2005

From one irony to the next we run. From rain in the summertime to hating everything we once used to love. Things always go full circle in the end. The end will always meet the end.

Ticking off my emotions one by one as they fly by. Is it sunny in the arctic today? How do the clouds tase? When will the sea consume us all? The questions we don't want to ask will never be answered.

I am now in Sunderland for three weeks with no home visits thanks to gig times falling on a weekend. I'm not overly bothered, but I only have �55 to last me that time. I need to be very careful with that meagre amount of money. [I hope you are OK]

[11:44am]

Saturday, November 5, 2005

Everything seems bitter about today. The rain falls bitterly onto the bitter pavement, and when the bitter sun comes out from behind the bitter gray clouds, I bitterly cross the road in front of all the bitter drivers.

As the lights circle around the area, he looks behind him only once, then runs and runs until he cannot move another inch. He knows he is not far enough away, and soon they will get him. I can see him from here.

I was disappointed to find out that since I'm at work tonight, I'll miss all of the shows I usually watch. I only watch TV one day a week, and I have to be working. [I hope you are OK]

[11:04am]

Friday, November 4, 2005

The silver bannister is all I have left to hold on to. A life of luxury, wiped out thanks to a simple clerical error. I shake my fist at the world in general, and head slowly downstairs to eat my last meal as a millionaire.

Slowly, slowly I head out into the open fields. I creep silently through the grass, trying not to make any noise. Of course, this is impossible, but I stay as silent as I can. I am mere yards from the forest and freedom when I hear a commotion, and a light swoops over the field. I dive into the undergrowth and crawl on now muddied hands and knees into the collection of trees. But this is just the beginning.

I finished the essay. I'm quite proud of myself. I may not get the highest mark, but I should pass with any luck. Today I'm going back to Bishop, to spend some quality time with my dad. [I hope you are OK]

[1:25pm]

Thursday, November 3, 2005

One day this will all be gone, everything we've built with our own hands. Smoke will rise from the ashes we created and then there will be nothing anymore. Nothing for anyone.

I feign understanding once again as the explanation is ran by me one more time. I know all of the words that are being said, but it seems like they're being told in the wrong order. I rearrange them in my mind until I create a picture that I like.

I went to visit a friend last night. All we did was drink cheap lager and Jack Daniels and played Bishi Bashi Special. If you don't know you won't understand. Today I'm planning on starting work on an essay. [I hope you are OK]

[11:58am]

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

Forgotten In The Flames

This girl rides her bicycle to the store again. She is not entirely sure how she will ever forget some of the things she knows but should not. She remembers her old room. Every single object and every single position they were initially in, and then every different layout she had given it. Posters went up, posters came down. Wallpaper was replaced, curtains also. This girl remembers the day she had a boy in that room for the first time. Her first kiss and nothing more. That boy had been a strange one. She remembers the time he was dragged out of his house at nine in the morning kicking and screaming. Then she remember that long period of loneliness she suffered. As this girl considers her reflection in the store window, she tries her hardest to forget anything, even the smallest thing. But still her memory resists and the vividest of images still dance behind her eyes. Every waking second was being clearly filmed by her mind, never to be deleted. Her parents called it a gift, but this girl now knows that there is a very thin line between gifts and curses. She slowly rides back home and locks herself in her room and keeps all of her lights switched off. But inevitably the sun will rise again and she will not be able to hide from the light. A tear stains this girl's pillow as suddenly the nightmares begin. Her waking nightmares, flames licking at all of the objects in her room, and of course the whole house was ablaze. She remembers cutting herself on the broken glass from her bedroom window as she landed on the cold ground outside. The sirens closing in on the area and the house slowly collapsing in on itself as the jets of water tickled at the blaze. And then this girl screams silently as thoughts of the next day begin to appear again. Two large binbags, that was what she wished they had been. That boy had gone crazy, had burnt four houses in the neighbourhood down. Did he know what he was doing? Apparently he had taken too many painkillers when he never knew he was allergic to antibiotics. He had died a long time ago, but the doctors never knew, or never said, why. Then, amidst these thoughts, this girl finally cried herself to sleep. She awoke, it was still dark. The feeling was still there, as were the memories. She needed something, anything to make her numb, even for a minute, a second. This girl rises from her bed and looks for something to help her forget. She ran ideas through her mind but only came up with one solution. And so, as the men in their red uniforms smashed down the door that's how they found her. This girl, lying charred amidst endless shards of glass. Somehow she seemed to have died peacefully.

I went to The White Room last night, hoping that I could DJ a little like I used to, but there were no DJs on. I was disappointed, but I'm not giving up hope, they must just have DJs on another night now. Thursday I think. Anyway, it was Garry's (one of my housemates) birthday yesterday, which is why I was out. We only had two pints each then left. We watched Homeward Bound when we got in. So many memories watching that film. [I hope you are OK]

[11:36am]

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

As each person walked through the door, I turned and twisted to get a better look at who was gracing our presence. All day and not one person I wanted or expected.

This chair is not set right for his back. He twists all the available knobs and turns all of the handles, but things just won't set right for him. He sighs and smashes his head through the TV screen.

My Monday's work is over and I can relax for a few days watching old episodes of Marion And Geoff. Rob Brydon is great. [I hope you are OK]

[11:32am]

Monday, October 31, 2005

The steps you need to take to shatter this man are simple and easy. One simple step, and it involves disappearing into the night, never to return.

When he tried to sum up his actions, all that came out was a string of words all tacked together in his mind. The sentences were mixed up and he suddenly realised that he was beaten.

I've spent money already. I've bought Badly Drawn Boy's latest two albums finally, The Streets' second album finally and Daft Punk's latest album finally. They were all under �5, and I got an extra pound off for no apparent reason. Bonus. [I hope you are OK]

[12:26pm]

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Everything turned black for a few seconds when I lay down in the grass. I'd noticed that the sky had begun to sway and pieces of it were falling, falling towards the ground. People did their best to avoid the shards, but it wasn't long before everything was covered in clouds.

Did he watch me or did I watch him? We spent all night trying to solve each other's mysteries, but to no avail. Sitting in the same room at the same time thinking the same thoughts. Perhaps it's time I tried to talk to someone about things like this.

One night of work down, one more afternoon and night to go. And at the end of it I will have �60. That might keep me going another week. [I hope you are OK]

[3:02pm]

Friday, October 28, 2005

I looked around desperately for hours and hours trying to find an oven, but to no avail. This town seems bereft of cooking apparatus. I sighed a deep sigh and made my way back to the shop, where a girl was asking if she could buy a one-bedroomed house for ten pounds.

He felt something tap his knee as he slept, and he immediately awoke with a barrage of swearing and contempt. When he saw that there was no-one there, he turned over grumbling and went back to sleep. But again came a tapping on his knee, the left one this time. Once again he awoke with a barrage of swearing and contempt. This time the offender was there, and he didn't seem happy about the man's words.

It's a good job it's Friday and my working weekend starts tonight, because I don't have much money left, and I don't want to dip into what tiny amount I have left in the bank. [I hope you are OK]

[10:49am]

Thursday, October 27, 2005

You know how to free yourself, you know how to be the person you've been trying to hide from. But it means burning everything you currently own, packing a few small things into a bag and wandering aimlessly for the rest of your life.

Wires tangle and pictures scramble. Kicking the set isn't going to work, losing your last few shreds of anger isn't going to fix things.

The Corpse Bride was brilliant. Flawless and pure Burton. Brilliant jokes and a typically odd and slightly eerie story. Definitely worth watching. [I hope you are OK]

[1:35pm]

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Something has broken inside of the machine. Wires are fusing and our brains are slowly melting into the mush that we feared. Soon we won't even be able to help ourselves.

An explosion in the distance (the sound awakens everyone in the city). A rabble of people moving forward (everyone wonders what to do). Nothing left of the city but fear (and now where are we?).

I should be going to see The Corpse Bride today. At some point. Can't wait to see it, but I don't think it will be as good as Wallace and Gromit. Also, feel free to trespass. [I hope you are OK]

[12:01pm]

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Slipping under the radar, he appears out of the darkness. Nothing can stop him now.

(the new ideas were never new)

Nothing happening today really. Will be going out for a drink, but that's all. [I hope you are OK]

[1:45pm]

Monday, October 24, 2005

There was definitely a shadow in front of me, I saw something flash across my eyeline. But after I take a second look, nothing new is revealed in the gloom ahead of me. I keep walking, every step sounding louder than the last. What if the thing that I had seen was listening to every echo my footstpes made? Listening to every breath I took? Listening to my heart beating faster and faster until I'm afraid it will burst? Then I get to my front door unharmed. And I feel the smallest amount of disappointment.

Some things were never meant to be known. Why people interfered and poked around is something that, however, can not be known. They found something else that we did not want to know, and we are all shaking in our basements.

American Dad (the new Seth McFarlane comedy) was pretty funny. Very bizarre, but what do we expect? Today the rain came in quite large amounts. It's stopped now, which is a shame. [I hope you are OK]

[2:50pm]

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Another unhealthy cough escapes from his chest, followed by blood again. This has ceased to scare him, it's been happening for months now and damned if he's dead yet. He tries to walk as far as his kitchen, but his legs give out long before he gets there. This is usual too. He's not scared, not scared at all.

Everybody just stands there, chatting away as usual. The blood has already got as far as their feet, and they just move further away from it, looking rather disgusted with the whole situation, but not horrified. The sirens start, and everybody moves away to buy themselves cups of coffee to drink from a polystyrene cup. The body is taken away.

A new series from Seth "Family Guy" McFarlane starts on BBC2 tonight. It's being aired on terrestrial TV before Family Guy, which says something about Family Guy I guess. Little bit too controversial for some channels to want. I'm sure Channel 4 will snap it up. Oh, and Wallace and Gromit was hilarious! [I hope you are OK]

[10:36am]

Friday, October 21, 2005

Tell me which way to turn in this maze made up of old branches and cobwebs. If I turn the wrong way, I could fall through this unstable floor and end up anywhere. Tell me which way to turn in this maze of insanity that I made for myself just two days ago.

Who can hear that sound? He can, you can tell by the look on his face. The internal working of the increasingly paranoid mind. He stands up and leaps from the nearest window, and we all continue clack-clack-clacking on our keyboards. There's a meeting at twelve, no time to sort out other people's problems.

The Corpse Bride is out today, but I don't want to risk spending much more of my money. I think I'm down to my last �100. Time for being thrifty methinks. [I hope you are OK]

[2:18pm]

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Tell yourself that everything is OK. Look into the mirror and smile reassuringly. Let yourself know that you can control your own life, even if the world around you is falling down.

Fierce winds blow strong and the branches tap tap tap on his window. He looks up and shakes his head. The stars outside the window swirl swirl swirl and he has to close his eyes. The tap tap tapping continues, and his paranoid thought take him over completely. He knows he's going mad mad mad.

Too much money is being spent by me. Even if it is being spent on lovely lovely things. [I hope you are OK]

[11:03am]

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

So then we escaped to another paradise. Once where the walls never closed in on us and the eyes of others never intruded upon our privacy. We never wanted to win anything, we just wanted to close our eyes and drift away to somewhere different.

Believe everything goes suddenly, yet tomorrow will leave everything gruesome. Everyone envies something.

I had a day of nothing today. Just a few drinks and some anime. [I hope you are OK]

[7:30pm]

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

The last time he talked to anyone he got the reply he didn't want. So since then, he has slowly been bricking himself up in his small terraced house. First one window disappeared, then another. Finally the doors were gone. And just like that, he disappeared too.

The sound is low at first, building slowly and slowly until it's unavoidable. With maddened eyes, he rips at the wallpaper and tears his fingernails off scratching at the bare plaster. The noise reaches it's peak and then, just when all the windows shatter and the heads begin to pop, it stops again.

I didn't think I was going to survive yesterday, I was practically falling asleep in every single lecture and seminar. I don't feel too good now either. Too much alcohol and inhaled things last night. And I'm going out tonight too. [I hope you are OK]

[2:34pm]

Monday, October 17, 2005

Life and the pursuit of happiness. Too much hard work for some people, more content living out their lives hoping for a miracle.

It's like the beating of a heart in an empty room. Or the breathing of somebody unknown in the street outside. Or the footsteps of a lost soul.

Back to uni, and I almost gave in to temptation. I nearly decided to miss my 1pm lecture, but my motivation has returned. Even though I never learn anything in that seminar, it's nice to know I'll have been. [I hope you are OK]

[12:30pm]

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Rectification of all my promises. How many were broken, and how many secrets were untold? People all have that other side, not just me. We are all equally flawed.

Through me people can see the daylight even in the rain. The strongest of gales could not move me. I stand here, the weathered rock that took everybody else's pain.

It's so nice being able to watch music television again. So many music videos I've been missing out on. [I hope you are OK]

[11:10am]

Friday, October 14, 2005

Despair In The Darkness

This boy takes a multitude of painkillers for no reason. In the back of his mind, he hopes that they can kill the pain of life. But all they do is make him drowsy and suddenly he is too afraid to fall asleep, scared of the shadows that dart across the room cast by his small but adequate television. So the hours tick by. Nine at night, he stares straight ahead woozily and watches his walls dance, he cannot keep his eyes in one place. So it is his pupils that are dancing and darting from one side of the room to the another as his mind toys with the idea of sending the entire body mad. He stands shakily and shifts his weight from one foot to another. This boy takes a few trial steps forward then stumbles over a box in the middle of the room. That object had not been there before. Just for a risky second, he closes his eyes and opens them to see that the box is still there. Ten at night, and he has tried and failed to get into the box. Locked up tight, but there doesn't even seem to be an opening. He picks up his glass and, holding onto the wall, traces steps towards the kitchen. He runs the cold water tap for exactly ten seconds before filling his glass. To him, drinking water that has been running for that long is like drinking iced water. When he returns to his room, this boy drops his glass. As it shatters on the floor, the small creature that has emerged from the box jumps nervously. It scampers up the wall and takes residence on the ceiling. It looks down on this boy, and begins to talk. It tells him everything about his life and why he feels so alone at night. It tells him why everything seems to fit but him. And it all makes sense. Every word that falls on his ears draws him closer to the meaning of his life and the end of it. And as insanity slowly begins to close in on him at eleven at night, the creature disappears and the box becomes sealed once again. This boy stares at the floor, and feels the fire and brimstone flowing through his veins. He understands now that life is inescapable, and ultimately inevitable. This is how life and life and death converge on the same line, until being able to distinguish between the two is impossible. So this boy implores the darkness to come, filled with the rage of the damned and the lost. His small but adequate television hisses then implodes and the lightbulb shatters, along with every other bulb in his house. Darkness has arrived, and this boy screams louder and louder as he sinks further and further downwards into the truth, before disappearing completely. This boy rises from his bed and rubs his eyes. Curtains are still open. Nine in the morning. Television quietly humming to itself and light left on. This boy is aware of a dream, but is desperately unable to remember anything but darkness. The fear of eternal darkness hits him, and he shudders as he picks up his glass of still cold water.

I slept a lot last night after returning home, and then I drank some more. I may still be drunk now. I'm going home tonight, work calls. Which is a good thing considering how much money I've spent this week. [I hope you are OK]

[11:33am]

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Forgive me, I haVe sinned against you all. I have forsaken you by not leaving you something you expect. I try my best to give you everything you want, but I guess I'm far from perfect.

And now you se mre as I really am. Mistakes and all, you can viewn mre as I'mmeant to be. Far from tis spleiiling obsessed boy, but I am. I sit here achoin g to correct m sikskates but I canno. You must see me assd I canbe,

As you can proably tell, I am slightly drunk, hence the non-editing of some mistakes. I have spent the last few days at my friend's house in Newcastle, hence the lack of updates. I am fine, but very drunk. [I hope you are OK]

[6:19pm]

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

A message to all my beloved fans: don't wait up for me to come knocking at your front door. Don't expect a good morning over the phone especially from me. Don't think about turning up to see me performing and expecting me to notice you. You're all and one, but you are also many. Just come along and enjoy the show.

The sun beats down, magnifies itself through the window and burns my back. I crouch down in the middle of the room for a while to avoid the glare, but as time dictates, the sun's beams slowly reached me again. The inevitabilities of life.

I have acquired a new phone finally. Also I have acquired Tombi, a game where every time you acquire an item, it tells you that you have acquired it. Hence the excessive use of the word here. I also received the white disc version of Street Spirit and the 12" singles for No Surprises and Anyone Can Play Guitar. This may have been expensive, but it was worth it. Now to avoid eBay for the next few months. [I hope you are OK]

[9:43am]

Monday, October 10, 2005

With no time to think about anything in the near future, he ran straight for the door. One sharp pain in the back and then he was on his knees. And to think he had booked a table for two that very night. This was just his luck. Then the unluckiest man in the world died.

Their gaze is met evenly by mine. I could stare them down all night, but there isn't time for that. With a smooth movement, I refill my glass and take a long, soothing gulp of the wine. This isn't like the cheap stuff I usually buy, this is wine fit for a king. They do continue to stare, but most of them have either lost interest or have dropped their defences.

I may have spent an unbelievable amount of money on eBay, and so I have decided to drag myself away from it for a while after all of my current bids have ended. I don't feel great today, my stomach is declining to help me out with reasons why, so I slump. Also, I have no access to a working phone at the minute, so forgive me if I don't text you. I hope to have a new one by the end of the day. [I hope you are OK]

[12:00pm]

Saturday, October 8, 2005

Senses are dulled by the moon and the mood. Whatever he is drinking is not helping him to walk in a straight line. He stares at the bottle for a while, with a rising pain in his stomach. Perhaps it was time for another glass to soothe the pain.

This isn't blood that runs through my veins anymore, it's pure fire, pure hatred towards the things holding me back. But then I realise that I am the one holding myself back. My blood cools and I rethink my situation.

Last night was interesting. I got �25 from my mum. �5 of it was from an uncle, but the �20 was from her. And she bought me two bottles of wine and a bottle of gin. And she's buying me tickets to see The Coral. I think I'm on to a winner here. I'm at work tonight, always fun, meet great people at the cricket club sometimes. I just hope I feel better by then, I've had a fair share of alcohol in the last 12 hours. [I hope you are OK]

[10:06am]

Friday, October 7, 2005

Every minute that ticks by is wasted. Sitting in that chair from sunrise to sundown, and then retiring to a lonely bed. This is no life for someone who was once so active.

Lights are blinking in my eyes, reflecting the sounds that are made by my heart. I open my chest and find that I am indeed malfunctioning. How inconvenient.

I've spent a large chunk of my loan already. I've paid my rent money. Plus I had a drink last night, but I only spent �4. Not bad for how much I had to drink. Also I won a very nice little Radiohead vinyl on eBay, clear disc of Street Spirit. For ten pounds. I think eBay will end me. Back to Bishop today, for a weekend of insanity. [I hope you are OK]

[9:26am]

Thursday, October 6, 2005

Comfort In The Colours

This woman tries to remember her last holiay. The three-star hotel and the little packets of salt that were delivered with each meal. Those subtle intricities that crawled between every sentence of broken language that she uttered. Of course, she had never expected the building to collapse around her. She had longed to own one of the paintings that hung in the hallway of the fourth floor, her floor. She remembered everything at once, as vivid a memory as she had ever had. That low rumbling, the sound of a thousand tonnes of water running underground, washing all the made-from-dirt foundation away. This woman remembers looking out of her window and seeing all of the outside world sawying from side to side. Being partial to a glass of champagne, she had first decided that the aforementioned drink had gone straight to her head, and resolved to wait until after lunch before drinking again. Then all thoughts dissolved as cracks began to appear on the walls and screams began echoing down the suddenly packed hallways. Another strong shudder forced her to her knees, and with a few tears forming she crawled towards the door of that now-fated room, number 42. The hallway of the fourth floor had become a mass of bodies, people from so many background fleeing for the same reason as everybody else. Then that delightful picture caught her eye again, as it had four mornings in a row so far. The colours made the gloomy, clinical corridors of the hallway seem to glow. Reds greens and blues all used so professionally. Yet it had been painted out of gratitude by a former guest. This woman was suddenly jostled out of the way by a man, someone she had been exchanging pleasantries with not twelve hours earlier. Then she realised that somehow, whilst absorbed with the picture, she had taken a few steps forward into the hallway towards her treasured obsession. The bone-chilling sound of crumbling ceilings came from above, mixed with a constant screaming and the raining of masonry. All in all, it was a cacophony that this woman had never heard the like of before or since. Her senses took over, and she began to make for the fire escape. But a few steps away from it, her legs became wooden and she turned once again to that damnable tempting object of pure beauty. Now where are we? She cannot remember how many years ago this was anymore, the situation had led her to lose large portions of her already fragile memory and mind. She can remember nothing after the ceilings did finally give in. All she can remember is colours now. The red that saved her, the white she had to lie down in for a while and the greens, browns, blues and greys of the outside world. Now there was nothing but colours. No sound and no smell. And as she sits and sinks into the deep brown shape in the corner of the white place where she lives, she surveys the reds greens blues that were all used so professionally.

My loan money has finally arrived. Finally. Also, on top of this story, there is the opportunity for you to trespass... hurry though, the gate will be closed soon. [I hope you are OK]

[11:09am]

Wednesday, October 5, 2005

We're all begging to be led by someone. We remember words, words about revolution and words about freedom but now those words are shredded into cries of triumph as the victory is sealed.

Now the speakers start blaring out a sound that I wasn't listening to before. Everybody suffers the same problem, as broadcasts between one and another are heard all around the world. We tune in and listen to how others have already decided our fate.

Still no loan money, situatoin is becoming desperate now. I only have 1p on my phone after accidentally phoning while the phone was in my pocket again. Damn. The Bandwagon Tour was good, but nothing to really shout about. It started with The Motorettes, since The Kooks couldn't play due to the loss of a close friend. Anyway, The Motorettes were OK, some of the songs were a bit samey and they didn't really play anything spectacular. Viva Voce were a very challenging listen, it was hard to grasp the sounds they were producing. But there were some tunes behind the veil of confusion. It didn't help that the mics weren't at their best. Then The Departure strolled on and everything seemed to change. People started jumping and screaming, and then the songs started. The crowd started out slowly, then the bouncing and pushing grew at an alarming rate. By the end, nobody was stood where they had started. And I had to miss Clor, because the time was ebbing closer to the last Metro. But all in all, it was a good night. [I hope you are OK]

[11:51am]

Tuesday, October 4, 2005

The minute those patterns start to swirl and fade from the wallpaper, the curtains, the carpet and the rug is the minute you must rethink everything you thought was true about the reality you believed in.

Everything you do could be the last thing you do. The danger is even more extreme when facing newer technological advances. Cars cause so many deaths a year, and still people are careless. Steel goliaths have no place in my mind.

And still no loan money. I'm becoming less and less amused by the day. But I need to think positive, I'm going to the mtv2 Bandwagon Tour gig tonight with the last of my money going on Metro fares. But it'll be worth it to see Clor, The Kooks and The Departure. To be honest, The Departure are the ones I really want to see, but the others are worth a look I guess. Expect a review of sorts tomorrow. [I hope you are OK]

[10:59am]

Monday, October 3, 2005

After the four days he spent drinking, he spent the following two days contemplating just what he had achieved over the last year. He looked back and tried to remember anything through the haze. But all he got back were solid black walls and answers that led to madness.

Natural and healthy, just like everybody else. Clean-shaven, no qualms with the outisde world. Just a little cynicism now and again. A little bit of doubt never hurt anyone. Pressing buttons and clacking at keys all day at a desk is a healthy and safe career option. Smile for the camera.

Art Brut were fantastic on Saturday. Really got the crowd going and played an amazing set. The place they played, The Other Rooms, was tiny. It was a pub venue. A posh one though, where lager didn't flow cheaply. �2.90 per pint of Stella. But all in all, the gig was fantastic. Still no sign of my loan cheque, which is a shame as I'm planning a UK tour that spans Hull and Preston. One day. [I hope you are OK]

[2:58pm]

Saturday, October 1, 2005

Another coil is unwound too far and snaps, sending shards in all directions. You push too hard for an answer, you can only get hurt. But still you unwind more and more coils, more than one at a time. You must be asking too much of everyone.

All the people stare at you again, and you realise that you must have done it again. A momentary lapse of concentration, a blackout, waking up to find the most bizarre of scenes. Why does this only happen to you?

The gig last night was what I would call a life-changing one. Every band that played was a good example of how much fine music is lying around untouched at the moment. The first band up, The Cinematics, played feisty Franz-infused melodies whilst oozing charisma from every chord. They deserve to be massive. As for We Are Scientists, well they've had a bit of press lately, if nont only for their new single 'The Great Escape', then purely for the screaming girl fanbase they've already acquired. Keith Murray and Chris Cain form a unique frenetic partnership and every song went down a storm with the audience. Riffs to make you bounce without realising it. Consider me converted to their way. But as always, the band of the night was going to be Editors, with their woeful yet energetic set. Right through from Bullets to the classy B-side Let Your Good Heart Lead You Home, they captivated the audience. They're all the tunes you've heard but so much more. Tom Smith has been called gloomy in the past, and his songs may seem to convey that, and on stage he thrashes and fights with his guitar as if it was holding all of his demons. But beyond that, you can see a cheeky and worldwise grin, and then you realise that he knows exactly what he's doing, and he does it well. [I hope you are OK]

[10:03am]

Friday, September 30, 2005

Solutions In The Shadows

There's a choir, and listen to the voices sing! The roof seems to be getting further and further away as this man lies on the floor, the chemicals slowly working their way through his body. In the newspaper, some of the small ads have been circled. He had been looking for many things. A collection of cat-related ornaments, a record player complete with speakers and dual tape deck, three decorative plates, a three-piece suite, an ancietn TV set. Anything to remind him of how life used to be. Now look as the lights go out again, the third power cut this week. This mans eyes open, slightly glazed. The loss of light has left him with nothing to focus on. But still the choir sings, different words but those same heavenly tones. Still those voices! This man sits up and begins to preach to himself, reinventing his old philosophies again and again. Old habits die hard, but new ones are even harder to kill. Smoke fills the room now, and this man remembers scenes long forgotten. People surrounding a tiny television screen, the lights low and the volume likewise. Hazy atmosphere, two people asleep, possibly not breathing. A fly disrupts his thoughts by brushing past his ear. He flinches and jumps up unsteadily. What day was it? What time? Back to thoughts, back to these petty small thoughts. Thoughts of time are irrelevant, it is forever accelerating. There is no such thing as a fixed time, in a second it is gone. The hands of clocks are forever waving farewell. The darkness is suddenly upon him, all at once. He screams once, quietly, as he feels the cold hands of the shadows torture him cruelly. This man is surprised at how quickly the darkness appeared. One second, eyes accustomed to the new lower level of light, the next was a sudden blackening of the atmosphere as well as of the room. He always had trouble pronouncing certain words with authority, which was why his revolution of words had failed him. It was a perculiar thing, his train of thought. Leaping from one ludicrous idea to the next. He jotted down some of his minds' workings to gaze upon when he awoke, but in the morning he could not understand what he had written in the darkness of the previous night. So this man, being still slightly sound of mind, thought that his solution was simple: write during the daytime. He sat with his pen shaking above the page one time upon the stroke of midday, and found that the light dulled his senses and his mind. No words could be written, and no thoughts could be thought. There was to be no smell of ink and no stained pages in his journal. So he had retired into the kitchen and retrieved his bottle-opener, a bottle of his finest wine and a carving knife. Halfway through his final glass, the power had snapped off and he had found himself upon the floor. And here we are, now. The electricity once again surged through every wire in the house and every light came back to life. And this man found himself staring at a multitude of full pages, all of which finally made sense.

On top of this huge story I have gifted you with today, there will be the opportunity to trespass through my open gates again soon. But not quite yet. I go to see Editors tonight. The anticipation is slowly building. [I hope you are OK]

[1:07pm]

Thursday, September 29, 2005

A choir is the only clue. There will be more on that subject in the future. Listen to the voices! All of them merging and becoming one huge drone of heavenly sounds.

Grasp on to the bannister and stop yourself slipping again. Red trickles down your face and you slowly reach for your head. Yes, there is a gash. Time to go lie back down for a while, drinking water by the gallon and holding your breath.

Excel Saga is, allegedly (I say allegedly because I don't trust Royal Mail) heading back towards Canterbury. Thanks to a mix-up with addresses, I had to deal with a security guard at the end of his tether (possibly the end of his shift too) and a delivery office worker who was helpful but turned up nothing. So no Excel Saga for a while again. But never mind. All I have left to say is go play your life away. [I hope you are OK]

[11:58am]

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Biting fingernails until you reach bone. Blood drips from your fingers and hits the floor. Every drop leads you closer to madness.

Feverish and delirious, he lies on the bed. The sheets soaked with sweat, and the lamp by his bed has a bulb that is dimming. As that light fades, so does another.

Only Wednesday. I have nothing to do until Friday. And I have no alcohol either. [I hope you are OK]

[12:30pm]

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

numbers, patterns, repetition, reoccurent structures, ungrammatical, internal contrasts (content and presentation).
choice of words, what effect does all of this have on the meaning?
Formal, intimate text? Premodification, noun phrases, post-modification.
Verb phrases- past and present- to create layers of time.
Auxiliary verbs, complex, compound verbs.

Yet to truly realise the underlined facts, you must first choose between right and wrong. The information you hold will change dramatically over the next few years of your life.

I am once again a university student. First year. But this time I will work will a feverish determination and pass these modules. If only to prove to myself that I can do this. [I hope you are OK]

[11:35am]

Monday, September 26, 2005

The way things are written can change the way they are perceived. Suddenly things become clear, and you only had to write the same information six times before it became recognisable.

When things turn blue your vision becomes impaired. Staring at things for long enough does not make them easier to understand.

I just spent ten minutes trying to change my password so I could log on to the system. I'd forgotten how hard it is to convince the computer who it is you are. I had to put my date of birth in at least ten different ways before I changed my password properly. Only half an hour from seeing my tutor. I hope things turn out well. [I hope you are OK]

[3:27pm]

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Nobody really cares anymore, you can look around for the solution but people will never help you As much as you want them to.

Suddenly the darkness fell and you didn�t know which way to turn. The eyes looked at you from behind the wall but they didn�t offer you any help.

One day from seeing my tutor, and I�m wondering what it is he�s going to advise. [I hope you are OK]

[6:16pm]

Friday, September 23, 2005

There was only one leak at first, but soon the dams were bursting their banks and towns were being buried under tonnes of water. Then the earth raised itself up and topped everything off with excess heat. And finally the sky itself fell, and now look at our smouldering planet.

While you were talking, he'd slipped out the back door. He found himself in a dark alleyway, which he trod down carefully, not seeing street lights at either end of the pathway. He is still walking now, perpetually stuck in that darkness.

Still no sign of Excel Saga. And today I go back to uni. Looks like I won't get to hold the series in my hands before I go. I may just never hold it in my hands ever again. [I hope you are OK]

[10:09am]

Thursday, September 22, 2005

They called him engaging, said that they all held on to his every word whilst he was up there in front of them. Said that he had a way with words, was a genius. But with intelligence and wordsmanship comes unhappiness and a deep loathing of the world.

They tipped it all over. Tipped the trucks, tipped the police vans and tipped the buildings. The world has been flipped and spun around and now we're all dizzy and falling down.

I received an email from my good old friend Barry Lewis at the university telling me his office hours. They're the same as last year. I hope he can give me some good advice again, because I need some. [I hope you are OK]

[10:37am]

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The black surfaces call out to me, they catch the corner of my eye. I hover over to them and feel their coldness, their ability to suck in all colour. Never reflecting.

Critics are not the backbone of anything. Things don't need to be put down or lifted up, the public decide what's right and wrong, and mass agreement must count for something.

Still no sign of Excel Saga. Have I been lied to? Or is the postal service being decidedly slow? [I hope you are OK]

[10:05am]

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

I keep a tally of my mistakes. I make a notch on my wall every time I tell a lie. I scratch my name into whatever I can find, scrawling my meaningless words onto those surfaces. People will forget me.

Just another life, another person who stopped moving. Like flesh and bone filled robots, we continue with no purpose, no aims. We achieve everything through money.

The package that was delivered last Friday was not Excel Saga, it was Amnesiac on vinyl. Lovely and beautiful as that is, I want Excel Saga back too. I'm getting worried. Also for the first time in weeks, feel free to Trespass. [I hope you are OK]

[10:21am]

Monday, September 19, 2005

I made sure that the curtains were shut securely. I need my privacy from all those prying eyes. All wanting to know what I'm up to, they've always been suspicious. Then I get to work, building my contraption.

More letters arriving that aren't for me. I sit and flip through the envelopes. All these Mr's and Mrs's that I've never heard of. How can so many letters be delivered to one address? I get curious now and again, and rip open a letter or two. But I never see anything interesting.

Today I don't have much of a plan, but I'm excited about the day's prospects nontheless. [I hope you are OK]

[10:06am]

Saturday, September 17, 2005

The wire coiled slowly around the back of the television and disappeared from sight. I followed it round, to see that it led to a hole in the floor. Intrigued, I pulled everything away and took a closer look. Now I need round the clock supervision.

Paper was sliding off all the shelves. My carefully organised system lay in tatters in front of me. I pick all the pieces up frantically, trying my best to get them back to where they belong. But this is too big a task for me when I've only had four hours sleep.

I received the Best of Blur DVD today. Can't wait to sit and watch and remember different times. Also Excel Saga is back to me in full, and the craziness can begin all over again. I'm heading back to Newcastle soon, as I left my keys at my friend's house. Sounds like a good excuse to drink more if you ask me. [I hope you are OK]

[2:13pm]

Friday, September 16, 2005

Chains are made to be snapped, promises are made to be broken, ties are made to be cut and bonds are made to be loosened. The people who know this much must know more than we think.

I listlessly sit in front of the static television, swirling the remains of my drink around in the glass. Someday I will stop repeating the past, and the solution to my problems will come to me. I'm just waiting here for it, in front of my static television.

I didn't go pubwards after all. It was a case of go out and spend a lot of money, or stay in and drink the remnants of my whisky. I chose the latter, obviously. I bought The Fiery Furnaces' EP yesterday. It is such a good record. It's a crime that Arcade Fire are massive and these guys aren't. A crime I tell you. I also bought a Japanese film called The Happiness of the Katakuris, which may well be the oddest thing I've ever seen. A horror musical, to be exact. And to top it off, I bought a collection of rare incidental music from Dawn of the Dead. Which is most brilliant. [I hope you are OK]

[12:36pm]

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Dots are marked everywhere on the wall. I follow them around with my eyes, trying to form a pattern. But they are truly random, there are no links between them. The only similarity is that they are all the same in size, and one of two of them have red splatters around them.

Why did the world stop spinning? The moon is stuck up there in the sky, begging to move. The sun looms on the horizon, forever peering over the hills. I sit down and contemplate the mystery.

I think I'm going pubwards tonight. Even though I've refused to go to The Ivy House for so long because it's too damned expensive. But I guess I need to let loose once in a while. [I hope you are OK]

[12:41pm]

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Bursting at the seams, the walls are bulging. And with a sigh, everything finally escapes, flooding the street outside and causing much disturbance to the traffic passing-by.

There are holes in the ceiling again. All night long being visited by the things that flutter, fly and fall through that hole. Help me.

I'm moderately happy today. I've bought five singles on vinyl and they're all so tasty I'd like to eat them. [I hope you are OK]

[1:15pm]

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Wall to wall, end to end, things are constantly changing. What matters is that things aren't happening to me. I'd love to stay in this hazy bubble for the rest of my life.

Words can travel such a distance, they can go on endlessly. Time holds no limits, and soon we will be learning even more secrets than we need to.

The Ashes victory, cricket games and alcohol. What a mix that was and now my stomach hurts. [I hope you are OK]

[3:18pm]

Monday, September 12, 2005

Subversiveness is not a talent that escapes him. He looks all around, and checks carefully before making his move. It is swift and silent, and then things are normal again.

There is a way of becoming invisible. Unfortunately, it does not involve potions or magic. You have to lock yourself away for so long that you lose your mind. And then, what use is invisibility?

Back to Sunderland for a week again today. Not long until I have to stay there for longer than that. [I hope you are OK]

[11:02am]

Saturday, September 10, 2005

I can't stop shaking, the air around me turns different shades of black and then everything fades out completely. I call out, but the sound of my voice just doesn't travel through this atmosphere very well. The words fall short.

First he was hoisted up high, but perhaps that was the main problem. The higher they pushed him, the further he had to fall. And when he fell, he fell hard. Now here he is, finding as much solace as he can at the bottle of every bottle he can find.

I made a big mess of things and now I can't tidy it up. [I hope you are OK]

[10:08am]

Friday, September 9, 2005

The air that hits me when I open the door is stale and catches in my throat. I gag and hold my head down, then look up into the dusty room. The last time anyone was in here is anybody's guess. And I'm only here because that letter told me to be. Posted through my own door, telling me to meet somebody in an abandoned room of my own house. I look for shadows that move, but don't see anything. Only a note pinned to a dusty noticeboard. So they're watching me.

The cheers rang out high above the city as several disasters are averted, but there is no way of stopping the progress of others, no way of keeping everybody below you forever.

I never help myself. [I hope you are OK]

[10:09am]

Thursday, September 8, 2005

My eyes are too watery to see properly, but as I slide out of existence I'm pretty sure I see a smiling face coming towards me and laying a hand on my shoulder. Then it contorts into a horrible scream. My heart stops and so do I.

Shards of glass fly in all directions, a few people are cut down by them. A suitcase hits the floor and bursts open, and soon parts of the wreckage start to come into contact with the ground too. So many shocked faces, so many mourners.

I'm eating away at myself, and my inner demons are winning. [I hope you are OK]

[10:12am]

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

Everything around me is slowly turning into ice. The mechanics of my television are freezing, and the picture snaps off as a huge ico block forms before me. I rub my eyes and take a second look, and now the curtains are starting to frost over. So this is the ice age.

As the car flips over, he takes one last look at the world whizzing by him. The view from the window is slightly obscured now, possibly because the window is shattered but stoubbornly holding on to it's position, possibly because of the blood running into his eyes. The car screams towards a wall and then there is silence.

Things can only go from bad to worse. [I hope you are OK]

[10:09am]

Tuesday, September 6, 2005

As the ceiling slowly descends on me, I pull the covers over my head once more. Now the wardrobe has edged closer to my bed. I shake more violently and stay under the covers until the screaming in my ears stops.

Out of the window he sees the usual scenery. To him, that's all there is to the outside world. A tree, a field and a pathway. That pathway hasn't been tread on for 18 years today.

Looks like Coldplay are going to be pipped at the post yet again by a novelty record. The Pussycat Dolls? Why oh why are they beating the likes of Coldplay to number one? I hate the music industry. [I hope you are OK]

[10:09am]

Monday, September 5, 2005

Can you bear this much longer? Weeping everynight in the dark, whilst the fading light from the TV screen illuminates nothing but your face? It's time you stood up and faced what you fear. But I know that would be an end to too much.

The longer he waits, the worse the situation gets. Things are still worse than they were before, but now the heat is worse, and people are trying to fly.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy movie is out on DVD today. And Coldplay's new single is out, and I'm sure there's an album out that I really want as well. [I hope you are OK]

[10:11am]

Saturday, September 3, 2005

I know something.

You can't see me.

I really think I'm losing myself. [I hope you are OK]

[3:16pm]

Saturday, September 3, 2005

You're calling for help way too late, they can hear you but by now they'll be beyond caring. You pulled yourself into this hole, and you're in it too deep to be helped now.

We require an answer from you all. A simple answer to a simple question. What is it you live for? Think about it, your answer may be a long time coming.

I hate it when I sleep through things being delivered. I was out of bed at 9:45, and there'd been a knock at the door at 9:10 that I missed. So now I have to trudge all the way to the other side of Bishop just because my signature was needed on two packages. I'm not sure which ones they are yet... they could be any two of the following- 3x3 Eyes Volume 5 (video), Radiohead's Amnesiac (vinyl), Love Hina Volume 2 (DVD) or Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles Volume 5 (manga). Either way, I'll be happy with any of those two, even though 3x3 Eyes is for a friend. [I hope you are OK]

[10:11am]

Friday, September 2, 2005

The air conditioner was working, but the heat persisted in the office. Everyone looked at each other, noticing that the power had just gone down, and now the conditioner had stopped. And there was a rush of sound and then nothing.

He covers his ears but the words are already there now, he heard them and he cannot get rid of them. They penetrate the deepest regions of his mind and slowly he can feel himself going insane.

Lo and behold, I have an extra �200 on my overdraft. Which will lead to much spending, sensible spending of course. I've got two books being saved for me at the local bookshop, so that'll be my first stop. And I've just sent a package overseas, which didn't cost as much as I expected. But then again, I did lie about there being a letter in there. [I hope you are OK]

[10:09am]

Thursday, September 1, 2005

With a few final twitches, the thing died. Everyone gathered around to see what they had done, and most of them felt slightly relieved. But a select few weren't entirely sure this was the end of it.

The clouds are spelling things out that I don't want to read. I look to the ground, but the leaves are doing the same. Nature has something to tell me today, but I don't want to listen. I can still hear the river calling after me when I get home.

There was the biggest storm last night. I've never heard so many crashes of thunder and it was actually bolt lightning, not just sheet. There was also a ludicrous amount of rain. Which I got caught in walking home from the shop. Then it slowed itself down a bit and I went to the pub. At half nine the electric went off in most of the area, and some other towns as well. It didn't come back on until 12-ish. I missed my show that I've been watching. Typical. [I hope you are OK]

[10:12am]

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Listening to the wind will not answer your questions. You must look into your soul first to find out who you really are. Once you come to terms with this, then you can start taking on nature.

I flail around helplessly as I succumb to my feelings of hate and resentment. I tried hard to be the best person I could, but that failed, so what should I do now? The path is split two ways, I wish there was an easy solution.

There are so many anime series' out at the minute that I would dearly love to have in my possession, but alas, money is tight, and anime is expensive. One day though, I will own all of the brilliant series' that are out now. [I hope you are OK]

[11:04am]

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Fields upon fields of red flow out before his eyes. He has travelled so far and finally he has found a place to rest eternally.

I fell through you and into a desperate argument. I closed my eyes and fell again, then again. It seems that I'm doing a lot of falling at the minute.

The internet here is being painfully slow at the minute. I'm furious, because today was the one day I needed the stupid net to go fast. I have God knows how many deviations to check on DeviantART and then there's the other billion sites I visit. I am not amused. [I hope you are OK]

[10:21am]

Friday, August 26, 2005

The voice on the other end is crackly, but every word can still be made out. And every word hammered home a simple truth. "One day, every one of us will die. Alone."

My mistakes are all your fault. The reason I keep failing in life is because of you. I've been held back by you long enough. I have to lose the part of me that is you.

What am I doing with my life? Not much. [I hope you are OK]

[4:09pm]

Thursday, August 25, 2005

But how will we save this planet? We helped to take it apart piece by piece and now we regret things? I say we deserve to burn.

As the look of confusion spreads further across your faces, I realise that it is time to reveal myself before you lose interest. Soon your eyes will be wide open and things will seem harder than ever before.

Tennis and vodka are pastimes for life. But today my head is rattling, I think something came loose. [I hope you are OK]

[1:12pm]

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Look to me for the finest quality despair and fear. Alienation will become your life under me, and the ink black sky will block out any thoughts of escape. There is no leaving my mind once you enter.

Now as the scene changes, everyone is trying to find a (w) n (e) s (a) w (r) e (e) r (b) s (e) b (i) e (n) t (g) w (l) e (i) e (e) n (d) e (t) a (o) c (r) h (i) l (g) e (h) t (t) t (n) e (o) r (w).

I am here to do work, but the mind is not willing enough. Are your eyes hurting? [I hope you are OK]

[12:58pm]

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Throw yourself in my general direction and then you'll see that you threw yourself in the wrong direction. I'll let you go, watch you drop and drop until you have nowhere left to go.

The light is shining brightly, but still I cannot see. The reflections are blinding me, and I curse the sun once more as I lie down to shield my eyes.

My first day in Sunderland was uneventful. I had some cans and went to bed. There were two dead wasps in my room and one stunned moth. I have work to do that will be done tomorrow. [I hope you are OK]

[1:05pm]

Monday, August 22, 2005

You are right / wrong / unassuming / indifferent / happy / sad / glad / used / abused / small / useless / lazy / motivated / tortured / alone / different / just the same.

Whenever you feel like smiling, just think about everything carefully. You are about to make an informed decision, and you'll have to stick by it.

Nothing has happened really. I'm going through to Sunderland for the week again, to drink my troubles away with friends rather than by myself. [I hope you are OK]

[10:08am]

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Though they reassure me, I still cannot settle into a comfortable sleep. I toss and turn and finally just lie awake all night regarding the pattern on the ceiling.

There was one missing from the display. One missing is all it takes to make me want to tear my hair out. Where did it go? Who moved it? I had everything perfect and someone had to ruin it.

The party was busy, but they were all nice people, so everything went well. I'm working again this afternoon, but since it'll be cricket players and spectators, it's going to be orange and water all round. [I hope you are OK]

[11:39am]

Friday, August 19, 2005

I am The Lovers
The Lovers often refers to a relationship that is based on deep love - the strongest force of all. The relationship may not be sexual, although it often is or could be. More generally, the Lovers can represent the attractive force that draws any two entities together in a relationship - whether people, ideas, events, movements or groups.
For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com
What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.
Month: Day: Year:

[10:57am]

Friday, August 19, 2005

Lost in the middle of a place I know so well. All has gone wrong in such a short amount of time. Now the ground is shifting beneath my feet and things are changing of their own free will. Why can't I change with them?

Hanging on every word, they all went home uplifted. The learned so many things, but the main problem is that they'll always be late, no matter what they do.

Last night was a beautiful night. The air was crisp and the breeze was perfect. I did a little cleaning work at the cricket club. I'm there tonight, serving 80 people at a wedding reception. I can't wait to go to bed tonight. [I hope you are OK]

[10:06am]

Thursday, August 18, 2005

My insides are churning and spinning, and as such my mind feels the same way. I grasp onto the wall to steady myself, but then everything else begins to move and swirl. I close my eyes and give in to the feelings of queasiness.

He cannot begin to keep up this writing. There are only so many things to be said. He feels like he's repeating himself with every other word spoken. He twists his tongue and creates something else beautiful.

Don't talk to me about hangovers. My arms are shaking, don't know why I keep drinking so much. [I hope you are OK]

[11:39am]

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Am I sure the phone is ringing? This isn't the same as before. I recognise the sound but am I dreaming or am I awake? I could be dreaming awake. Either way, the phone goes unanswered.

Another hole has opened up. The deepest of them all. Stones won't hit the bottom and people seem to want to examine it more closely. They should know that sealing it up is what they should do. I eye the hole suspiciously every day, knowing that something is wrong.

I worked last night, so the bottle of wine I bought will be saved for either tonight or tomorrow afternoon. I like drinking on an afternoon. [I hope you are OK]

[10:08am]

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Being told to keep away from the fire is common sense, but he runs in anyway. How could they do this to him after all he's done for them? Everything he knows is being turned into ash.

There's a door halfway up this building. There's no walkway leading to it. What does it look like from the inside? What if someone accidentally walks out here? I watch the door, and realise that maybe this is more than a planning mistake.

I'm tired. Bottles of cheap red wine do that to me. I'm thinking about getting another one. Maybe. [I hope you are OK]

[12:06pm]

Monday, August 15, 2005

You have an unlimited space to lose yourself in. Take advantage of the silence while you have it. The damp patch on the wall is getting bigger, but there's nothing anyone can do for you. This house is beyond repair.

Watch closely, see past his eyes and figure out what he means on the inside. Ignore the words, examine the facial expressions, the body language. We'll figure him out yet.

I worked for seven hours in the cricket club yesterday, actually feel like I've done a real shift for the first time ever. I'm working on Friday night too, serving 80 people at a wedding party. And today I have to go to help clean the place up. So busy busy. [I hope you are OK]

[10:25am]

Saturday, August 13, 2005

When you have the right key but find the wrong keyhole. That's the feeling that really stays. Ask for directions but receive a fabrication, that's the kind of situation we never find ourselves in.

Delays on request, we can hold anything up at anytime. So don't hesitate to ask for help in stalling the inevitable.

Back in Bishop after most likely making a fool of myself at some point in Sunderland. Much alcohol flowed and many things have been blocked out by my mind. [I hope you are OK]

[3:03pm]

Friday, August 12, 2005

Think about the future.

Forget about the past.

Not much has happened today. I think the uni library has changed it's networks though, so I can only log on to the un-updated computers. You may not hear from me tomorrow. [I hope you are OK]

[1:18pm]

Thursday, August 11, 2005

The surface is scratched, the most expensive mistake you'll ever make. Put you anger away for a moment and listen to me. Things aren't as bad as you seem to think they are.

Holes in the ceiling and the floor let in very little light. The dust can be seen through the cracks in the walls. Nothing works around here, and nobody lifts a finger to try anything new. We all just sit in our dark haze.

My first night back at Sunderland was uneventful. I watched TV, sat around and then went to bed. But today one of the other housemates has reappeared, so things might pick up a little. [I hope you are OK]

[1:44pm]

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Don't believe everything reflections tell you. They can show you something that shouldn't be there. Sights that will never leave you. How can a dead person run out of ideas?

Whether you meant it or not is irrelevant. What they want to know is far more importatn than that. Tell them everything, starting from when you turned time around to when you killed us all.

Surprise surprise, my dad hasn't gone to work. But for the next few days, that's his problem. I'm not going to be at his beck and call until Saturday now. Peace and quiet. Shame I didn't get to do my essays because of this though. I'll have to try and do them next week if I get the chance. [I hope you are OK]

[10:08am]

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

Come on in, wipe your feet three times each on the doormat, I'll be making sure you do. Now come into the living room. Sorry about the polythene on the furniture, you can't be too safe. I'll get us two glasses of sterilised water then. We'll get down to the business of what to do about that outside place soon.

The butterflies are dancing around my feet. I look down and watch my step. The few remaining beautiful things in this world need to be looked after, after all.

My dad is going through another phase of drinking. One bottle of vodka= lots of days lying in bed not going to work and making up worse excuses by the day. That's up to him, I go back to Sunderland tomorrow. [I hope you are OK]

[11:03am]

Monday, August 8, 2005

Some things are best left unknown. You'd never understand anyway. As more of the ink stains the page, so more of my life is leaked away. I drink red wind alone at night too, it is becoming less of an exclusive club.

They'll be coming to get me soon, I can feel the hands reaching out for me. Pray that you'll find me before I become part of them. The willpower needed is too much. There's cold sweat forming on my brow.

I'm getting my hair cut today. That's the most exciting thing that's happening. I can't wait to get back to Sunderland on Wednesday and have some fun for a change. There is now time for you TRESPASS again. [I hope you are OK]

[10:52am]

Saturday, August 6, 2005

They told me not to watch, but curisoty always seems to get the better of us. The tape rolled, and the images flashed across the screen. My eyes widened, and I have not seen sleep since.

After research, all we discovered was that nothing we knew was actually true. Proving this point was going to be quite a task though.

Sleep is all around me, willing me to join it. But I'm going to refrain for as long as possible. [I hope you are OK]

[2:08pm]

Friday, August 5, 2005

I ran all the way there but didn't know why. And then there were some waiting for me in my garden. I had to run past them and dive through my closed window. Will I never get any peace?

It never did make any sense to him, but he never asked twice. He just got on with what he was told. But one day his conscience will get the better of him.

Finally my Radiohead vinyl arrived, along with a letter informing me that I hadn't won the National Poetry contest, but I did have a poem in the final stretch, and it's being published in a book called Body and Soul. I got a half-price discount for having a poem in it, I have no idea when it's actually out. So today has been very good. [I hope you are OK]

[2:27pm]

Thursday, August 4, 2005

It drips down every wall, and the building is soon completely soaked. Every single thing that has happened here is coming back to haunt everyone, and the liquid won't leave us alone.

As the wind blows, I see the leaves rushing down the street, in a hurry to find somewhere to stay for the night. They settle in a small crevice at the bottom of the street, where they await the dawn.

My stories have a lack of intelligence this morning. But there are some new things for you to read at t.r.e.s.p.a.s.s. Go ahead, there will be no judgement. [I hope you are OK]

[10:26am]

Wednesday, August 3, 2005

The words come quickly to him. He says every one of them, and they seem to resonate around the room. All eyes fix on him for a few desperate seconds, and he realises that he has said the wrong thing.

They looked into him and found something they didn't expect. So many hidden facets in one organism. Complex being are what we are. But so petty.

Still nothing in the post. I hate waiting for things. But then, when they arrive, it's like the happiest day of my life. So I don't mind waiting a little bit longer. [I hope you are OK]

[10:29am]

Tuesday, August 2, 2005

The padlock is so rusted, it doesn't seem that long since I last came here. The key no longer works. I am forced to smash the lock off to get in. And there I sit, in the endless space. I hold a quick conversation with myself and then leave.

People are forever looking over his shoulder. Those people don't know what they see, but they know that deep down they don't wish to know.

I ordered something from Amazon a week ago and there's still no sign of it. Typical. [I hope you are OK]

[11:03am]

Monday, August 1, 2005

This underground bunker is far more elaborate than I had first thought. A whole city, linked to other cities as well. How long had this been going on, and why hadn't I been told?

Being in a place such as this made him tremble slightly. But he plucked up his courage and moved onwards down the hallway. He was being followed. Thousands of hands coming out of the shadows and pulling him into the darkness with them. So why am I here?

Today I thought we were all going to be obliterated. Turns out that planes can be louder than I thought. [I hope you are OK]

[2:05pm]

Saturday, July 30, 2005

I was caught looking down the wrong aisle. They caught me and corrected me. Suddenly everything seemed clearer and I could do my shopping in peace. My trolley wheels were wobbly as usual though.

He tried to hide in the same old spot, unaware that this had become common knowledge months ago. He talked to himself quietly as the lights got closer. And then they were upon him.

The rain is back again, but it's supposed to stop tomorrow. [I hope you are OK]

[12:39pm]

Friday, July 29, 2005

They see the people flying into walls, but they are still clueless about what's really happening beyond their boundaries. They just cover their ears and try to forget.

The votes come in thick and fast, but they are not counted. The conclusions have been jumped to and suddenly everything has stayed the same. The losers retreat back to their holes, while the victor smiles his smiles of deceit. Wherever we go, the same old story.

I woke up twenty minutes ago. [I hope you are OK]

[12:32pm]

Thursday, July 28, 2005

He prays silently for the first time in his life. Never been one for religion, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Then he stops, and realises that doesn't want to become a religious man just before his death. He didn't want to die a hypocrite. Especially not in the eyes of God.

The car sits stationary, crumpled at the front. The bumper has made acquaintance with the radiator, and the scene has been cordoned off. These marvels of technology that get us from A to B in such quick time! Who needs them?

Another day, another bunch of shopping to do, and another encounter with my mum to face. I have to drop some mail off for her, and she came down to the house already to get that. I ignored her. It makes us even for the times I walked up to her house and she wasn't there I think. It may seem petty, but I need all the amusement I can get at the minute. [I hope you are OK]

[12:06pm]

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

In the shadows, the true nightmares await us. Fear of falling asleep makes us insomniacs and suddenly we are leapt upon. We are the easy prey of the dark.

A string of bad luck forces him to be a lot more careful in daily life. Moving in to a bungalow to avoid stairs, getting a job closer to home for fear of being run down by a car. Staying in every night in case he was attacked. Suddenly he realised that his life had become what he feared most, a mere blip in the universe. Feeling small is more dangerous than feeling afraid.

Finally I get to spend some time with friends tonight. It's been a while since I spent time with anyone other than my insane parents here in Bishop. [I hope you are OK]

[10:28am]

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Dragging himself across the yard, he is caught out by the lights. He shields his eyes, and understands that what he is about to get, he deserves. The lights dim and things continue as normal.

I hear a squeaking from the corner of the room. Curious, I kneel down and stare at the skirting boards, looking for a hole. There is nothing, but the squeaking continues. I stare at the floor, so there is something down there after all.

I'm being flung between two people like some kind of ball. Or frisbee. I'm getting nauseous. [I hope you are OK]

[1:08pm]

Monday, July 25, 2005

The scene is sceptical. You can change anything you want at anytime, but you skulk in the shadows, choosing to be the all-seeing.

Wheezing and choking, he falls to the floor. His eyes dart around the small room, looking for an exit. All he sees is a shatterproof mirror. He claws at the glass, trying not to inhale. The onlookers raise a glass and toast the beginning of a new year.

I'm bereft of energy again today. I want to lie in bed all day, but there are things I have to do. And I have work again tomorrow night. [I hope you are OK]

[11:09am]

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Where does our similarity end? The blood we share is no longer the same colour, we're two beings with different ends. No longer related, no longer in touch.

Count up to ten and stop. Wonder where you will stop and why. The simple tasks like breathing and walking become too difficult for you to achieve. Lie back and accept the inevitable.

I've been slowly coming to terms with the sport of cricket this week. I'm quite enjoying watching the Ashes. Shame England are being beaten quite hideously. [I hope you are OK]

[3:01pm]

Friday, July 22, 2005

Do you understand the implications? I can't understand why you're doing this to us, to me, to everyone. The reasons you hold dear make no sense to me.

Thankless. Worthless. Ambitions are blind. Reasons are meaningless. Your arguments make no sense.

I'm still alive and now back in Bishop. Causing people much pain and anger. [I hope you are OK]

[5:56pm]

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Spiders rotting in the doorways, their webs eaten away by time. The flies buzz around happily, their fallen foes now providing them with food. The sheer horror of it all.

How can a day pass me by so quickly? I look left then right and suddenly my time is up. I travel vertically for some time before I close my eyes and let the earth swallow me.

I'm still alive. [I hope you are OK]

[12:26pm]

Monday, July 18, 2005

Clouds bear down on me and I run for cover. Not from the rain, but from the sheer magnitude of it all. The way they close in on me makes me feel claustrophobic and then there is nothing I can do.

Cancel it all. The checkup will only prove that you were right all along. You refuse to even leave this room. You chain yourself to your chair and drink and drink. Light, dark, light, dark, on and on.

I'm heading back to Sunderland again. I need to unpack my room and get everything looking like I want it. And I have those essays to do. And I need to convince the English department that I am indeed staying at the university. It's been a while since I gave anyone reason to TRESPASS, but you are free to break the law if you wish. For everyone's eyes only. [I hope you are OK]

[11:14am]

Friday, July 15, 2005

Stopping and starting. Ending and beginning. There is always a new story opening up somewhere, and as soon as one does, we feel the need to leap onto the bandwagon and agree with the media.

Throwing yourself at everyone who walks through the door. Believing what they tell you. Day by day you feel yourself getting smaller. The further from your door you get, the faster your breathing gets.

I feel a little better today. I managed to walk to the library without collapsing. I have had a lot of my uni work referred, and so I have a lot of essays to complete by the end of next month. I want to get them all done next week. [I hope you are OK]

[1:38pm]

Thursday, July 14, 2005

You take your cues from them and repeat what they have just said. The mic in your ear fuses and then suddenly you are out of words. Stifled laughter comes from the back of the room. You stand up and malfunction.

Window shopping for things that we don't need. Eating things that don't kill us. Giving money to charity around the holiday season. Getting a healthy amount of sleep. Listening to people rather than waiting for your turn to talk. Not drinking daily. Ending it all and surprising everyone around.

I can feel my strength slipping away day by day. Am I just ageing too quickly, or is it something unhealthy? Either way, I need to get some sleep. [I hope you are OK]

[2:05pm]

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Inside the interior of this mind lies ideas thought to be make believe. But here they are in full view behind the eyes. Extract, experiment, eliminate.

Where the people drink from natural springs and eat only the finest and freshest food. Where the snow falls when they tell it to and the rains come under the same premise. Nothing can be lost here, and nothing can be found. NO VAT.

The weather is still too pleasant. Once again I was absent yesterday. Exhaustion got the better of me. My official uni results say that I have failed once again. [I hope you are OK]

[11:34am]

Monday, July 11, 2005

Rows upon rows of houses all being bulldozed to the ground. More prosperity is the aim. People travelling along streets trying to find one piece of memory restoring rubble. But nothing can be found besides these towering blocks.

A wire that was cut long ago has only just been discovered. It severed something that we cannot determine. This kind of mistake can not be rectified nor excused. Your wire shall now be cut.

The weather is too pleasant today. I think that a new ice age is called for, if only to get some peace. [I hope you are OK]

[11:10am]

Saturday, July 9, 2005

Thank you for your participation. Your results will be calculated, deliberated over, mocked, destroyed and then reinvented and posted to you within three weeks.

We charge you to do the everyday things that should come as a gift. You pay to travel, you pay to eat, you pay to drink, you pay to breathe. Enjoy it while you can.

I have been absent again. I have no excuse this time. I apologise. I have moved into my new uni house, insofar as moving all of my stuff in and leaving it there unpacked anyway. Terrorists don't scare me. They infuriate me, and anger me, but they will never deter me from going about my everyday business. [I hope you are OK]

[3:13pm]

Thursday, July 7, 2005

There is no considerable risk to your health. Your [health] is important to us. Please seek professional advice about your -health-. Thorough checks will be administered, we will determine the rate of deterioration of your >health<.

Are you seeking help from someone you don't know? They'll lead you away and give you answers that you don't want. DOn't rush this, it can only last forever.

I have been absent. I apologise. A special friend was visiting. And considering the massive distance that she travelled, I thought it only fair to give her my undivided attention. I'm trying hard not to be a mystery. [I hope you are OK]

[11:59am]

Monday, July 4, 2005

The sweat drips out of me, I stand like a broken tap as all the secrets and untold lies pour out of me. At the end of it all, I stand in front of you, a mere puddle of my former self.

cancel it and allow someone else to be seen

Roddick scraped through to the Wimbledon final only to be beaten by Federer for the second year running. Straight sets victory 6-2 7-6 6-4. Federer seems to be unstoppable, he could easily win Wimbledon a few more times. And so ends Wimbledon and once again my life can begin. Enjoy your independance. [I hope you are OK]

[2:29pm]

Saturday, July 2, 2005

I become cold to the very marrow of my bones. The air freshener is squirted in my direction, and the scents burn my nose. Lavender stains the carpets and suddenly I crumple to the ground, asking myself why this had to happen today.

After I leave you here broken and destroyed, I head onwards towards the club where my friends await me. You lie there, the blood beginning to drip down a nearby drain. Your eyes are wide with shock and sadness. I dance the night away.

The Johannson-Roddick match will restart today, and my hopes lie with Johannson. Although Roddick is funny in that American Express advert. As for myself, nothing exceptional is happening right now. [I hope you are OK]

[12:11pm]

Friday, July 1, 2005

Sounds that haunt me enter my ears and make me tremble inside. I try to block them out, but now they're in my head, they refuse to leave.

Why should I care? I can't make all of these problems my own to make things easier for you. I can take your problems, but they won't be a burden to me, I won't let them be. I'll lock them up and throw them in the river.

Now you can see why I didn't want to predict the womens tennis. It's a Davenport-Williams final, which should be interesting to watch. As for the mens, Federer has already proved me right, and Roddick has yet to set the standard, and the first set against Johannson was going on serve until rain stopped play at 6-5, Johannson to serve. I think, and hope, that Johannson can pull off a surprise win today. [I hope you are OK]

[4:41pm]

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Monday and Tuesday I just sat in a huddle in the corner of the living room. On Wednesday I stood and ventured to the window, but nothing had changed. Thursday and Friday were spent under the bed with a can of beans. Saturday was when I walked outside and collapsed.

Where did this victory get us? What did this victory get us? It got us disrespect and anger, it got us a lot of enemies. Well at least we won.

Johannson proved me right and won in straight sets in his match against Nalbandian, and Roddick beat Grosjean, but it was a tough five set battle. As for the women's semi-finals today, I'm not sure how any of that is going to turn out. At a push, I'd say that it's going to be a Davenport-Sharapova final. [I hope you are OK]

[12:12pm]

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

What I don't understand is how you can judge me when you look like that. The rights are outweighed by the incidental music that we can both hear. Judgement must begin.

The bells ring out, but for what reason we do not know. It's been three weeks since we climbed down this hole to safety, and all noise from above is greeted with elated suspicion

Federer and Hewitt are both through, but until the rain lets up, we won't know who else will be going through. My money's on Johannson getting through one match. But as for Roddick and Grosjean, the jury's still out on that one. [I hope you are OK]

[4:05pm]

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

The shadows that pass the window interest me, so I take a closer look. The same person is walking by my house again and again, yelling of things past, present and seemingly future. I shrink back behind my curtain and close the window. I don't want to know what I'll be doing next week.

When you listen carefully to the trees, they appear to be talking, whispering to each other. BUt what they talk of must be too horrific for us to understand, else we would know more about their nature.

Federer flew through his match last night, only facing a little trouble in the third set. Grosjean could be one to watch too though, despite his tough battle with Tursunov. He plays Roddick today, and they're practice partners, so it'll be a close match. [I hope you are OK]

[12:09pm]

Monday, June 27, 2005

The clicking of a pen makes me feel more secure. I sit down and try to write my feelings down into simple stanzas, but all I receive from myself is cries of disbelief.

Too much happiness can drag you back to where you started. At the bottom of a glass and a bottle, crying out for something to change, for someone to change things for you.

Andrew Murray has followed Henman out of Wimbledon, but in slightly more style. He lost in 5 sets to David Nalbandian. Eventually it was his lack of physical strength that got the best of him. He seemed exhausted at the end of the match, but he tried his best. We'll see him again. My money's on Roddick or Federer to take the title now. [I hope you are OK]

[12:58am]

Friday, June 24, 2005

Through the keyhole I can see nothing. The keys are still in the lock, and the view of the truth is obscured. The exagerrations will get me nowhere, it's time to search for something new.

As I look at myself lying on the floor, I decide that today has been decidedly interesting. I lie down somewhere else and close my eyes. Darkness is how to forget.

Mr. Henman has bowed out of Wimbledon after an appaling defeat. He'll never be Wimbledon champion. However, one Andrew Murray delighted me with his straight sets victory over Stepanek. It was an amazing match, and I think we have a future champion on our hands. I'm in Sunderland for the weekend. Ku club is calling me. [I hope you are OK]

[1:13pm]

Thursday, June 23, 2005

We all carry our opinions around with us, but some of us never let go of them. They just stay on our shoulders, and we remain tight lipped.

Suddenly everyone's personality becomes a real, living thing. Then it's all nets and tranquiliser guns, hunting down the wildest of them, and cornering the weakest. The world strains under the weight of so many heavy-handed people, and then everything is silent in my room. My personality has died.

Graham Coxon's solo albums are surprisingly good. I bought The Golden D and Crow Sit On Blood Tree on sale. After the panning that they got, I was expecting two albums full of white noise, but what I got was some beautiful melodies and conversely, some nigh-on hardcore rock songs. I'm all hyped up for Mr. Henman's tennis match today. Him and Murray are the only interesting players to watch now, since Philipoussis and Karlovic are now out. [I hope you are OK]

[11:37am]

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

The start is the end, and the end is the start/this isn't real so don't take it to heart/the way is the means, the means is the way/this isn't right so don't take it away.

Where the people used to live is just a barren wasteland now. The houses are dust and the people have gone. We search around for hours, but find nothing but sand. The searing heat of the midday sun takes its toll on us, and we collapse, still hundreds of miles from the impact zone.

I didn't get the chance to be online yesterday, what with all the stuff I was doing. Watching Tim Henman scare the living hell out of all of us by losing the first two sets of his match and then winning three in a row, going to the cinema with some friends and a really sweet girl, and then packing lots of my room into small boxes. It's was an interesting day, and a very good one. Today I'm headed back to Bishop, to sit by the river and maybe sleep a little. [I hope you are OK]

[12:42pm]

Monday, June 20, 2005

Relentlessly, arrogantly, I march forward. Some people look to it as a noble, altrustic act, but in all honesty, this is only me being what I always am. Slower/thinner/kinder/lifeless.

As the breeze turned to a gust, and the trees creaked in complaint, I sat up on this hill. I looked around and saw the world groaning under the weight of its problems.

I'm sitting in Bishop library until 11:30, then I will be heading to the bus station to catch the Newcastle bus, on the first leg of my journey back to Sunderland. I'll only be back for two days, but that's enough for me. I've kind of missed the place. My mum has taken the dog to her house, against her will, since my dad threatened to stop looking after him otherwise. [I hope you are OK]

[10:31am]

Saturday, June 18, 2005

I went from alive to empty in the space of ten minutes. They didn't only take my soul, they took everything else at the same time. Now I sit, a shell, on a lonely beach.

They swayed and swayed but nothing could make them fall.

I've spent the last two hours in my mum's new house. It still doesn't seem very big to me. She wants me to move in sometime next week. When the wallpapering hasn't all been done, there's no carpets and no furniture. She's playing the sympathy card to every person who'll listen and when it's just me and her, all she does is complain about my dad. Being in the middle is not where I want to be, I want to be on the outside of this. [I hope you are OK]

[2:07pm]

Friday, June 17, 2005

The days that passed didn't seem to bother him. He just changed from day to night. Became more dark than light. Nobody saw him for days, then weeks that bled into months. Suddenly he was no longer around.

As we fell through the holes, we found more than we expected. When we landed, we decided to call it a day and climb back out again.

Today has been full of nothing, as was last night. I went out and had a quick drink and that was all really. [I hope you are OK]

[2:02pm]

Thursday, June 16, 2005

The last body falls and he is claimed the victor in this sick game. He gets home, pours a strong drink and wonders why he keeps turning up, why doesn't he just end it all and throw in the towel?

We fought the war, we lost the battles. The grounds we stood for and the ground we fought on were two very different things, very different opinions.

I went out last night for what seemed to be the first time in ages. I didn't really see or do much. Drank a few drinks, wandered around. Went back home. [I hope you are OK]

[2:05pm]

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The walls have all turned red and the house has become something different. Deads bodies litter the corridors and the one remaining person has lost his mind. He did all this for the sole reason of good viewing figures.

Throughout the day, the remaining hours slip away slowly. When the last few begin to slip through my fingers, I know it's time to refill the day.

Even less happened today than yesterday. I got drunk last night and woke up a little worse for wear. The tiredness is taking over, but I'm going out tonight anyway. [I hope you are OK]

[3:04pm]

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Cars all travelling in the wrong direction and people disillusioned as to where they should be going. The rush hour has become truer than ever today. Escape is the word on everybody's lips, but the crush prevents it. Soon the crush will be gone.

The more real I become, the worse I feel. Hiding in boxes, hiding in back rooms. The way we used to feel and the way we used to smile, now it merely cracks our skin and we peel away the false pretences to reveal an uglier truth.

Nothing happened today. My dad got some cans of lager and I bought myself a bottle of vodka. Originally intended for my dad, but as soon as he decided he didn't want it, I offered to buy it off him before he changed his mind. I need a drink or two anyway. [I hope you are OK]

[5:04pm]

Monday, June 13, 2005

You took the money and I took the emptiness. Whatever was left was mine, and that was nothing more than a couple of memories that will soon be washed away.

So I kept on going, not knowing what I would find. Suddenly everything I owned was being removed. People streaming in and out of my house holding objects that I treasured. Nothing I could keep was worth the wait.

My dad attempted to go back to work today, but he got brought back home because he was too injured. But at least he made the effort. I have no idea when he actually will get back to work, but at least he's not drinking vodka. [I hope you are OK]

[12:00pm]

Saturday, June 11, 2005

One day the rain will fall, it will bury us all and we will finally see what we were doing to ourselves. Everyone will be free, everyone will keep their secrets no longer. Then the rain will leave and we'll wonder why we even bothered.

You can keep walking but it's time for me to turn around and go back. Going forward holds nothing of interest to me. I'll backtrack and see you back at the starting line.

My mum has revealed to one of my friends what she really feels. She feels like I've chosen my dad over her, since I'm living at home with him. What she fails to realise is that I'm staying at home because of that fact: it is home. Plus my dad won't look after the pets if I leave, and I don't want to stay in some random relatives' house. Thanks to that friend for telling me what was said. My mum phoned up soon afterwards and acted like she hadn't said anything of the sort. I'll give her a piece of my mind one day. Also, my dad took a trip down the stairs headfirst last night. A little bruising and a bad arm, but nothing serious. [I hope you are OK]

[12:07pm]

Friday, June 10, 2005

Throwaway suggestions left at the bottom of this box, which will be found in seventeen years time and recycled as something new. Then we will once again be blinded by these illusions of grandeur. Nothing we see is real or original.

To be frank, to be honest, to be fair, to be brutal, to be anything but going against the grain of what everyone else wants. I don't want to run in the wheel and be going nowhere.

There are four new things of value to be read at TRESPASS... Stop looking at me that way, I know what you're really thinking. [I hope you are OK]

[1:34pm]

Thursday, June 9, 2005

There's been a great deal of discussion about whether or not we are carved from the same bone as angels. We are all the fallen, the people who never understood their true potential. Sit down and be counted, the numbers will never add up.

Where was I destined to be, and where will I actually end up. The anarchic nature of life means that there is no way to predict it. The five senses will keep me going in one direction for the remainder of my life.

I've been enjoying the tennis at Queens so far. Andrew Murray surprised me yesterday by beating Taylor Dent 6-3 6-3. I can't wait to see his match today. But after all of this, there will be more floods to come. Get the sandbags and hide. [I hope you are OK]

[1:33pm]

Wednesday, June 8, 2005

Take me away from this, away to somewhere greener and more efficient. Somewhere the people all say hello simultaneously and then get straight back to their jobs. This is a society of confused people who do not know that there can be more than this.

The leaflet reads like a dream, an impossible collection of promises. Promises of money, of friends, of freedom. All they can really offer is a different way to be unhappy. Think hard on this, think harder.

My dad still resides in the house that I grew up in. My mum obviously isn't ready to take the step she needs to. The longer she leaves it, the worse state both I and my dad will be in. Today my back has a twinge and I can barely stand up without being out of breath. I put this down to lack of food and sleep. Luckily my nan is making me tea today. [I hope you are OK]

[2:04pm]

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Do not ask for anyone to follow you around and fill your wounds with salt. Think about the ways you have influenced yourself rather than other people. Believe in nothing but yourself.

The day that we are dead is the day that we are free. The shackles will remain and must remain. We have had our time, we have had our fun. Time to step back into the cupboard.

The League of Gentlemen's Apocalypse was pretty excellent I must say. I believe I will be seeing it again today. My live review of British Sea Power was in The Bunker. I am satisfied. Also, today is the day of reckoning for my dad. He could be forcibly ejected from our house today. [I hope you are OK]

[7:22am]

Monday, June 6, 2005

The trees are pulling faces at me. Things seem to be spiralling out of control. One person's problem is my extra burden. Wait things out and see if I survive until the end of it. The forest is following me down the street and I am walking faster and faster and faster. [I hope you are OK]

[3:16pm]

Saturday, June 4, 2005

Think back to your earth. The place where you rule everything and you're in charge. Now imagine it invaded by outsiders, people trying to delve into you and discover all of your darkest secrets. Now leave me alone.

One precedes two, and the system continues. Onwards ceaselessly, numbers being counted up all the time. Every second that passes is another number, and every step you take is another number. Digitally speaking, we are controlled.

I am back in Sunderland. Just for the day, since I've come to see the League of Gentlemen movie. Should be interesting. Might not be good, but it'll be interesting. [I hope you are OK]

[1:02pm]

Friday, June 3, 2005

When you're trying your hardest, things can only weigh on you more. To understand how to solve your problems, you must first understand yourself. Try less and do more.

We believe in a time before a time, when things were black and even better than before. While you wait this out, we'll be waiting elsewhere, watching for a solution.

Things are still the same. [I hope you are OK]

[11:40am]

Thursday, June 2, 2005

All the people who I know to be dead are suddenly walking the streets of my town as if the'd never been gone. People in cars, people in restaurants, people waving hello and making me wonder exactly what my mind has been on lately.

Although it is surely a point to make, it's not a point that we want to hear. So we put it right to the back of our minds and wonder about other things. We have no time to be sympathetic.

Today hasn't been too bad. My mum came home for a while to shout at my dad, then left again. My dad's currently at home drinking a bottle of vodka. Which isn't going to help. I was meant to be visiting a friend today, but my dad refuses to let me stay out for the night. So I guess I'm staying in. [I hope you are OK]

[2:13pm]

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

This appears to be reality
This seems to be society
A system that appears so unstable
Whose hand is it that rocks this cradle?

This can not be the final word
This must not be the way we turn
One sentence that causes much confusion
Now who can shatter this illusion?

[5:34am]

Wednesday, June 1, 2005

On the horizon a shadow can be seen. It grows larger and the light grows dimmer. Soon we are shrouded in the sweet embrace of darkness. While we hug our knees close to our chests, the life that surrounds us is leaking away.

No judgements can be made until we find out exactly what is going on. No need to panic, things will work out, work themselves out, workthemselvesrightout. Nothing to fear, nothing to worry about, nothingshouldbeaproblemnow.

Another day of insanity passed by yesterday. I don't know what will become of my parents, but it's becoming less and less my concern. I'm thinking about cutting my losses here and disappearing back to Sunderland for a week or two. But only if things continue to deteriorate. [I hope you are OK]

[5:34am]

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

I wrote down a few things that I thought would make my life better, and then burnt it and watched the flames dance around my disintegrating dreams. I need to stop wishing and start hoping.

The glass shattered on the floor, and the wine worked its way across the parquet floor while the shards of glass sparkled in the moonlight.

Parents are splitting up again. But there's a dilemma. My mum still isn't back, and won't come back until my dad is gone. My dad is going to pack and leave, but he won't leave me in the house by myself, so he won't go until my mum gets back. What to do? They need to talk to each other about it, but my mum doesn't want to talk to my dad. She's been lying so much about the events that took place on Saturday night, she wants to come across as the victim when she's actually the instigator. [I hope you are OK]

[10:59pm]

Monday, May 30, 2005

Thankfully we got to start all over again. We forgot everyt stupid mistake we made, and went right back to where we were the night we first became aware of our surroundings. Maybe this time we won't make a complete mess of things.

I was sucked into my TV screen for a few hours and subjected to the horrors of being famous. I never want to live in there, I never want to live in their world and be stared at all day and all night.

Home and grief are two words that are going together once again. As of 24 hours ago, my dad and me have no idea where my mum is. NIce to know what she's getting up to. Nice for her to give me a great start to my summer holidays. On a brighter note, there's finally some new lyrics up. T.r.e.s.p.a.s.s. [I hope you are OK]

[1:48am]

Saturday, May 28, 2005

I couldn't remember a thing. All the events in my life seemed to have been wiped clean from my mind. Last year was gone as was last week. My memories are disappearing, one by one.

Victory is something that we are always seeking, so why is it we can be glorious in defeat? Human nature dictates to us that bowing out of defeat with a smile is the gracious thing to do, but how do we really feel when we all lie shattered and broken after that war?

Tonight is the night of the charity disco that my mum helped organise. So I will go and hate the music, hopefully I'll have someone to talk to. I got a spare ticket for someone and they haven't given me a definite answer, so thanks for that. I'm sure I can find someone to replace you. [I hope you are OK]

[10:57am]

Friday, May 27, 2005

Pouring boiling water down that hole in the garden. Then suddenly a hive of life begins to leap out at me. Woodlice, wasps, and spiders. Seemingly hundreds of spiders, all over me, biting me, paralysing me. I lie still, unable to move, and suddenly I snap out of the trance, facing a fight with whoever is next door.

He raises the club over my music collection, and I scream out and dive in front of it, begging him to hit me instead. He does so, and seems to enjoy this little game. I am at the mercy of his beating.

I walked into Top Sounds (the independant record shop here in Bishop) and stumbled upon many singles that I would like to own. The Magic Numbers DVD was only 99p, and Willy Mason's "So Long" was only 99p as well. But I must save my money as much as I can. If those CDs are still around in September (which they probably will be, knowing this shop) I'll buy them then. Today I plan to do not much at all. Drink some wine most probably. [I hope you are OK]

[1:00pm]

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Will I ever see myself again? I get to thinking about the last time I was me, and it seems like it was so long ago. I sit down, pour out some more wine and try to remember what that was like. That time.

Suddenly I'm falling down, down and further down. The light above me grows dimmer and dimmer until there is nothing but a tiny dot of light. I keep falling, and the air grows thinner and the heat intensifies. I wonder how long this will go on.

Well, I did absolutely nothing last night, but today I have cleaned out my cupboard. To be honest, most of the stuff in there isn't even mine. My parents dump all their junk in there. Christmas decorations, old televisions and video players. My stuff does take up a lot of room though. Two boxes full of books, old magazines and PC games. All my Megadrive games and even more books. And some of my old CDs from back when I listened to anything. Yup, there's an Eminem CD in there and the Ministry Of Sound Annual 2000. I'm not proud. [I hope you are OK]

[12:31pm]

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I lie in a bed that isn't mine, wondering when I can leave this place. But everyone else is still asleep and I have no way of getting home. So I lie and wait for a sound to come from above.

As long as I can walk, I will travel down paths that I know too well. I will not venture down the unknown ones, that way lies only mystery, and I am not one for revelations.

Last night Newcastle saw something spectacular. The triumphant return of British Sea Power to the north-east. On they came, to a crowd that seemed restless, but erupted into applause when their heroes stepped onto stage. The set was a wonderful one, and every song was done perfectly, with no hint of nerves from the band. They have ditched the quirky look, getting rid of the countryside feel to their live shows, instead opting for a full on assault of the ears. And, when they finished, they did so with five minutes of mind-shattering feedback and guitar crunches that made you feel like you would never be able to hear again. And after a show like that, I wouldn't have minded if I hadn't heard ever again. [I hope you are OK]

[5:28pm]

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

So we sit around all night, inhaling and consuming, then comparing each other to our favourite musicians. This is no way to spend an eternity.

I travelled all day to see you, and then you weren't even in. I sat at your doorstep for so long, until your house crumbled and collapsed. And still I sit, in this desolate wasteland, waiting for someone, not even you any more.

Here I am, reporting from Sunderland. I'm here to meet up with friends to go and see the wonderful gig tonight that will be performed for us by British Sea Power. After last year's performance, we're expecting a stunner! Expect a review tomorrow. The Gorillaz album is, on much more than one listen, quite fantastic. [I hope you are OK]

[2:13pm]

Monday, May 23, 2005

There's nothing to digest, so where is all this foul liquid going? It must be heading straight for the bloodstream, to blur my eyes and weaken my legs.

Certain issues were raised while I listened in. But once again they were raised then dropped so suddenly, left to be cleared away by the caretaker afterwards.

I just bankrupted myself buying Demon Days, the new album by Gorillaz. I haven't listened to it yet, but expect me to be talking about it endlessly tomorrow. Meanwhile, I have been to Workwise to see if they can't get me a job. And soon I shall be going home, possibly to drink some wine. [I hope you are OK]

[11:40am]

Sunday, May 22, 2005

So long, it was so long before I felt this feeling. Although you think you know me, all you can do is watch me from afar. This is not love, it could never be. Never be. Never be. Never be. Never be.

Once was enough but six times was too much. No longer will I hold onto thoughts that drag me down. Every morning I will wake up and count the number of reasons I should be happy to be still alive. I will go for a jog around the block when I wake. I will eat breakfast every day. I will cherish every moment, whilst silently cursing my new found lusts.

Grief grief grief. I escaped from the crazy world of my house to a good friend's house again. Which has given me an opportunity to do an update that I missed the chance to do earlier. Many things have happened today, many of which are too terrible to speak of. [I hope you are OK]

[2:06am]

Friday, May 20, 2005

How many times will you make me go through this before you make an ultimate decision? When will you stop giving in straight away and when will you stop begging for more? All of your weaknesses need to be defeated.

All along the tops of the buildings I will go, leaping from one to one (using hereto unknown power), observing the landscape and wondering where I should start my search. I don't know what I'm looking for (another solution to another problem?), but I'd better find it soooooon.

So once again, things causing grief have been put on hold. When will this end once and for all? Episode III was fantastic, amazing, easily the best in the new trilogy and actually up there with the originals in terms of excellence. Also, I think I finally have the guestbook problem sorted out. [I hope you are OK]

[12:34pm]

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Every time I look into someone else's eyes, I don't see anything that I would expect. How can everybody else be so optimistic? I see hope in their eyes, hope in their lives, and I just want them to hold some hope for me sometime.

Truth be told, I never used to be this way, but after years and years of hardship, what did everyone expect? What I'm used to and what you're used to are two totally different things. We all suffer in different ways, we all deal with harder problems, nobody is the worst off in these situations.

Every day I believe less and less in love. Am I destined to become a bitter young man with no hopes, dreams or aspirations? Sitting in my one bedroom flat every night sipping wine and thinking about what I could have been? I'm going to see Star Wars Episode III tonight. [I hope you are OK]

[12:32pm]

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

He was framed, like so many other people have been. A case of mistaken identity, and now he has to spend the rest of his life behind a wall that he cannot climb over, behind bars that cannot be broken. The justice is clear to see.

Run along home, this isn't go to work out. It was just a one-off, couldn't you tell that from my eyes? I never even want to see you again, but when I think too hard about this, a terrible pain rises up from the pit of my stomach. A mistake perhaps?

Forgot to mention that my site was one year old yesterday. Thanks to the small amount of regulars I have here for motivating me to keep it going this long! I'd throw a party, but I feel awful today. [I hope you are OK]

[11:39am]

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

As usual, I approach you and say hello. But you keep talking, ignoring me. Then shivers streak down my spine as you start to talk about me as if I'm not there, and that's when it becomes obvious that I'm not.

Two weeks of affliction, no escape from this pain, my chest burns and my eyes water. My legs become shaky and all I ever want to do is lie down. But I have places to go and people to see, so I must keep walking.

I apologise for the state of the guestbook. Just when I think the problem is solved, another problem crops up that I don't know how to solve at all. Any ideas? And I will be DJing again tonight in The White Room. Sometimes I wish people wouldn't ignore me. [I hope you are OK]

[10:38am]

Monday, May 16, 2005

Just believe me when I tell you these things, there is nothing to fear, I won't tell you any lies. The only time that will happen will be the day you die, then I will tell you that eveyrthing is alright and that we're going to be fine.

Realising my mistake, I tread back to where I started. My footprints fade away and now it is time to start again. I place one foot forward, determined not to make any false moves this time. This game is becoming tiresome.

I feel like I've done so much today. First, I went to check my exam times at uni, but they weren't posted. Which I think is a bit stupid. Then I went and bought Maximo Park's album, which I can't wait to listen to. Then I went and paid �7.86 to receive an item I'd ordered from Amazon. Oh believe me, there will be repercussions. I've already emailed Amazon to complain about this company's uselessness. Then I realised that I'd ordered a DVD that I already owned, so I'm going to send it back anyway. But I want to be reimbursed for that postage I had to pay. And then I dropped a copy of one of my tapes off at the local music mag, The Bunker. And now I'm here. And now I'm off. [I hope you are OK]

[3:07pm]

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Every other sound is blocked out and all I can hear is my breathing. It seems so loud in my own ears. For a while, I try not to breathe, daring not to. Eventually this attempted self-suffocation gives out and I exhale loudly. I look around fearfully, expecting someone to be right here to tell me something.

Now it all seems too real, when did everything become this clear? But instead of being a revelation, this is a burden. There is too much information, far too much, for me to take in all at once. Am I so small?

Too many drinks again last night. I have sworn to myself not to buy any alcohol today. I need a break from the morning-after shakes and the inevitable headache. [I hope you are OK]

[10:44am]

Friday, May 13, 2005

As the smoke engulfs and shrouds my lungs, I cough in protest. There is a first time for everything after all. I lie back and think about the many years of life I've managed to avoid doing this. No peer pressure, no forcing, just a simple request from me granted.

I encircle my prey with glee. The fear is there, I can sense it, so I move in closer and then shy away. Something else is here, something that is not afraid. Not afraid of me or anything else.

Experimentation is in us all. I've been meaning to try smoking weed for a long time. Well last night I did. To be honest, it didn't do much. I think my technique may be slightly off. Anyway, it won't be the first and last time, so I guess I can always try again. I didn't get up to much else yesterday. Friday 13th, at 13:13... [I hope you are OK]

[1:13pm]

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I was only going to have one, then four, then eventually eight. I awoke feeling like someone had run me down with a slow moving tractor. As I attempted to sit up, all the blood rushed to my head, quickly followed by eveything that had happened the night before, speckled with moments of grey.

Wonderment fills me as I enter the room of light. I run around for a while, regressing to my childhood and believeing that I would be alright now. But after a while, I realised that I could never escape now, they have me. They have me forever.

I had two drinks too many last night. My head feels not too great, same goes for my throat. So obviously the best way to beat a hangover is to listen to The Beta Bands' Three EPs. Weird and beautiful at the same time. Shame the weird bits might hurt my brain a little. [I hope you are OK]

[11:01am]

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I am doing something I already thought I had done, only somebody different answered the door. So we walk and walk and eventually seperate from one of the group, and then we keep walking until we find rest.

I knew what I had done, I had made a mistake. Desperately trying to escape what I had done, I turned the volume down and hid beneath the table, but there were hands now, so many hands, all grabbing at my shirt.

I did get to DJ again. Only for half an hour this time though. But I still had fun, and I will be there again next week. Feel free to come to Sunderland and pop into Thw White Room next Tuesday for 9pm, if you want to see my amateur DJ skills at work. [I hope you are OK]

[5:57pm]

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

My bedroom floor, covered in food that was not there before. I blink, then start to clear it all up and throw it away. I go downstairs to tell one of my fellow housemates about the phenomenon, and when I go back to my room, the food is all there again. My breaths become quicker and I wonder why this kind of thing always happens to me.

For just one day everything in the world suddenly makes sense. I know exactly what I should do with my life. I know exactly what will solve all the problems in the world, big and small. I fall asleep exciting at the prospect, then when I awake, I have forgotten everything.

I finally cleaned the mud from my shoes this morning. The concert was bogged down, and I feared for my clothes the whole day long, keeping my eyes peeled for michievious looking types. Fortuanately the only mud injuries my clothes suffered were my own doing. Anyway, today will not be very eventful. I am thinking about returning to The White Room to do a little set again. If they allow it. [I hope you are OK]

[8:56am]

Monday, May 9, 2005

You were running towards me as I walked down the street back home. I wondered what you could be doing, I hadn't been gone long. But then I saw the life-taking light. Why it haunts me I'll never know.

Out of all the places in the world, I wonder how I ended up here. Cursed with something I can never get rid of, never shake off.

Yesterday was possibly the best day of my life so far. Every band I saw at the Radio 1 festival impressed me immensely, except one, but I did only catch the last three songs. Maybe the first few were good. But anyway, The Subways were great, Maximo Park were amazing, The Kaiser Chiefs were even better, Interpol were mind-blowing and The Futureheads returned home with a perfect set. It was an absolutely amazing day that I will never forget. I guess I should extend my thanks to Radio 1 for visiting us, it was an honour. [I hope you are OK]

[12:29pm]

Thursday, May 5, 2005

A joint venture and foray into the world that nobody else knows. Swelling up inside until you burst, a smile that faded too late. You were led along from start to finish.

My carrier bag of shopping falls to the floor, a split causing all the contents to empty themselves out. This street has never been kind to me, why did I even bother to move here?

My friend arrives from Preston today. Ready for Sunday and the large amount of free music. So this is a warning, I may not be on the net for the next few days. But then again I might be. You'll have to wait and see really. My eye has swelled up even more now, a proper black eye is here. [I hope you are OK]

[1:38pm]

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

I spilt blood that night and walked home alone. My eyes forced shut and sleep was eventually forced upon me. Rough sleep that shook me awake far earlier than I would have liked. But still I try and try to escape from the times that hurt me.

I reach down into the box and remove something metallic. I believe in some cultures it is known as a gun. I hold it gingerly, the barrel pointed at the floor. Suddenly I decide that this doesn't suit me. Back into the box it went, and I turned around and walked away.

Last night was possibly one of the best nights I've ever had. Firstly, me and some friends were meant to go to a place called Bar Pure to see The Golden Virgins for free as part of the build up to the Big Weekend. But it was full, no chance of getting in. So we visited a different place called The White Room instead, where I picked up the latest edition of The Bunker, a local free music magazine. Lo and behold, in the live reviews section was my Maximo Park review, the one that appears on this very page! Then the DJ allowed me to take over for a while. Cue on hour of DJing, and an invite to go back next week to guest DJ for a while. Finally, onwards to Manor Quay and the indie/rock night. Where I imbibed a bit more alcohol and finished the night with an injury. An overzealous piggyback attempt led to me falling face first onto the floor and acquiring a black eye and a hideous looking gash on my forehead. But you know, it was a good night overall. Shame I have to walk around with a hideously damaged face for a while. [I hope you are OK]

[1:09pm]

Tuesday, May 3, 2005

I find myself back in school, bumping into rock stars in the after school clubs and being banned from classrooms by teachers who cannot take being talked down to. Then on the way home I find myself in a hitherto unheard of part of town, where they do not know where my home town is. I fall from a table and wake up.

Hundreds upon hundreds of dogs crowded into the small area of woodland. A few men here and there, cutting down trees to make their primitive tools and to allow more space for the creatures that surround them.

Well, May has arrived, and later this month, my site will be a year old. Not a huge thing, but I thought it was worth mentioning. I think Waste Of Paint will be one on the 23rd of May. In other news, I own The Kaiser Chiefs' album, and it is as good as I remember it after borrowing it from a friend the other week. [I hope you are OK]

[12:57pm]

Saturday, April 30, 2005

As I step from the train, I discover that my regular stop has been all but closed down. Metal sheets cover the walls and block off most of the exits, and the walls of the shopping centre that was here have been felled. I make my way carefully down the darkened pathways and come to a huge clearing full of crack cocaine users. A crack den were the stores used to be. I carefully make my way through the mess of users, and try not to make a noise. Then I see a huge hole in the side wall and make for it. On the way out however, I decide that it would be a good idea to act drunk, and I do so. I am set upon by someone immediately, and he attacks me with a rusty bottle opener. I wrestle it from him and he falls to his knees. A builder from the nearby site runs over and stares. I try to talk my assailant into giving up this life and finding a job and a flat. He looks up and smiles, and tells me he needs a few days to think about it. I smile back, and tell him not to think for too long. And just like that, I am a part of this society.

I find my way to the top floor of the shopping centre. I look around, but nothing catches my interest. It's all clothes shops and nothing more. So I turn to leave, but find that all of the escalators are travelling upwards. I take a closer look, but after fighting with the seemingly optical illusion, I discover that I am right. In a panic, I run around looking everywhere for a way down. And there is only one, not so much an escalator as a metallic water slide. I slide down it and find myself at the back of the centre, picking myself up from the dustbins.

I'm going to see the Hitchhiker's Guide again today. In Newcastle with some friends. Hence why I am up and around so early. Not much to report, except that I am having some very odd dreams and there are some more lyrics for to look at. Trespassers will be. [I hope you are OK]

[10:19am]

Friday, April 29, 2005

I see a sudden opportunity appear in front of me. It doesn't make itself immediately apparent, but after some intense concentration, I see it. I pass it by as soon as I can, there is no room for opportunity in my life.

Suddenly the ceiling caves in and people dive under desks and in some cases head for the nearest door. What caused this mess, nobody is sure of. All that is found afterwards is a hole where the sky used to be.

The Hitchhiker's Guide is good in it's own right, but compared to it's predecessors, it is nothing. The effects were fantastic, and the casting was all pretty much spot on. Although it does take some time to get used to Mos Def as Ford and Sam Rockwell as Zaphod. Fans will indeed love it, whilst newcomers may be left bemused but hopefully wanting to read the books or hear the radio show. [I hope you are OK]

[12:01pm]

Thursday, April 28, 2005

On another one of my excursions, I come across an unopened box lying on the pavement. I stare at it for a while, my curiosity slowly building. And, as human nature dictates, I opened the box. A thin white light shot out and briefly lit up the night sky. And then it was gone. There is nothing else in the box. I get the feeling that I just wasted something important.

What do these people mean to do now? They've been on the run for so long it is like they no longer exist. I am one of them, but I am also beginning to forget myself.

Still no news about the thing I was talking about yesterday. It's a family thing, that's all I'm saying. Aside from that, I'm looking forward to seeing the Hitchhiker's Guide movie today. [I hope you are OK]

[12:49pm]

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Shackled and strung up and I don't know why. I am the fallible human, the one person who can take the entire blame. I am the entire world's scapegoat. All accusing eyes are on me, and I ponder my fate.

Two-bit attempts to make me think differently of you. It's far too late to change the words you said and the things you did. Now you are nothing to me, if the truth is indeed true, I'm beginning to wish I had never known you.

I'd like to thank certain friends for being there for me last night. I don't want to harp on about what happened yesterday, but suffice to say it did nothing to cheer me up. I still don't know what's going to happen. [I hope you are OK]

[12:30pm]

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

If you truly love someone, why talk behind their back? A circle of evil friends that discuss inane relationship qualities while I sit back and think about how to destroy them. You are not the person I thought you were.

It's raining again. I'm walking back from one of my many wanders and I see an oak tree I hadn't noticed before. I stand and admire it's massive leafy form for a while before continuing my walk. The next day I find that the tree has gone. So was it a dream or something more sinister?

I went to witness the Maximo Park show in Newcastle last night. The first band up, called Field Music, were exceptional in their own little way. They attempted to be a more epic and melodic version of The Futureheads, and they didn't do too bad a job at that. Next up were The Blood Arm. Without a doubt they had the most energetic singer I've ever seen. His name is Nathaniel Fregoso and he puts a lot of effort into entertaining the crowd. He kissed people in the crowd, then prgressively interacted more and more. Leaping the safety barrier and dancing in the crowd and on top of the bar. Unbelievable. I sense big things for this band. And in case you were still wondering, Nathaniel, yes, you do have our attention. The anticipation whilst waiting for Maximo Park causes the audience to surge forward whenever a song stops playing through the PA system, and just when I suspected that The Blood Arm has managed to upstage the Park in the most controversial manner possible, out they came. The crowd cheering their hearts out for the local boys. I couldn't help but get carried away in the moment myself. From the moment Paul Smith welcomed us to the moment they finished their encore, there was so much love for this band. They covered most of their usual live set, plus one new song which they apparently wrote last Thursday and recorded on Friday, called A19. They had the crowd riveted from start to end and it was indeed a thoroughly enjoyable night. See you in Sunderland Paul! [I hope you are OK]

[12:34pm]

Monday, April 25, 2005

Activate yourself. Turn yourself on. Make all those decisions you were meant to make all that time ago. Crawl around and believe that the only option is to kill and kill again. Relive your past.

Although my hands are cold out here, there have been times of warmth. I dream and dream about the things I had before. But before that what was there? I rub my hands together, the heat will return again.

Tickets have been acquired for the Sunday at the Big Weekend. And I see Maximo Park tonight. And The Hitchhiker's Guide movie is out Thursday. All in all, I sense one hell of a week coming up. [I hope you are OK]

[9:47am]

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Sweeping up the crumbs I think about the night we have all just had. The windows are smashed and the garden has been dug up. The furniture has been stolen and there is a hole in the bathroom door. I finish sweeping up the crumbs and try to decide what to clean next.

All around the town tonight there is a chill that makes our blood freeze. We find a quiet place somewhere warm and curl up, never to be cold again.

I failed to get a ticket for the Saturday event at the Radio 1 Big Weekend. However, tonight I will achieve one goal at least and get myself tickets for the Sunday. I will be staying overnight to get tickets, starting at 10pm. I am not giving in tonight! [I hope you are OK]

[3:48pm]

Friday, April 22, 2005

Scratching the surface of my sympathy. My sorrow lies in another, but one day I may mourn for you. First, though, I must decide on whether to lead a life that is full of despair.

Streets are the same at night as they are during the day. But things take on a different edge in the darkness. Still we fumble around and lose ourselves in the twisting alleys.

My copy of Fuzzy Logic by the Super Furry Animals arrived today, and I'm having album deja vu listening to it. Every song seems so familiar, in a good way. An easily accessible album. Also, the fourth volume of the Azumanga Daioh anime arrived. I've already seen it via a friend of mine, but I'm going to enjoy watching it again. [I hope you are OK]

[12:41pm]

Thursday, April 21, 2005

As I walk around this town, I notice that everyone looks the same. We may indeed all be searching for the same thing, but what that thing is, nobody seems to know.

Enclosed spaces make me nervous, but soon enough I will become part of this room, awaiting the next visitor.

Bah, still no sign of anything I ordered from Amazon. Granted, it's all coming from America, so a little time has to be given for that I suppose. But if I still haven't received anything by tomorrow, I'll start getting slightly impatient. [I hope you are OK]

[1:01pm]

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

There's blood seeping through the sheets, and we know that he's done it again. Again and again and still no matter what we try, the same thing every night. We'll have to take his life into our hands and keep him asleep.

Thrown into a room full of lights. Lights of different colours. At first it is blinding, but as you become accustomed to it, a bigger picture emerges. The answer, perhaps, to everything.

The Hives were fantastic last night. Unfortuanately, due to unforseen events (ie one of my fellow gig-goers being drunk) we missed The D4, who I'd have loved to see. But we arrived just in time for The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, who were amazing as expected. Then came the biggest Swedish band since Abba. And they played a show and a half. Not a bad first visit to Newcastle. Playing all the biggest hits (Walk Idiot Walk, Die, All Right!, Hate To Say I Told You So), plus some live favourites (Diabolic Scheme, AKA I-D-I-O-T), it turned out to be one hell of a show. In the words of Pelle himself, "It must be your birthday Newcastle!" [I hope you are OK]

[12:18pm]

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The motorways are jammed once again. Only today, things do seem a little different, there is foreboding here. Like everybody is waiting for something to happen, and when it does happen, what will we know then?

Staring out the window and I don't see anything new. The same old roofs, the same old street. I don't know what I expect to see one day, perhaps another world.

I'm off to see The Hives tonight, I can't wait for that. I'm waiting for loads of stuff off the net to be delivered as well, so this week might end up being a good one. [I hope you are OK]

[1:35pm]

Monday, April 18, 2005

Going on a thinking spree to save yourself from the truth that could be out there. Double the intake, double the processes.

I await the news with more than a little anticipation, will we survive or will we not?

So Jamiroquai and Gwen Stefani have been announced for the Radio 1 concert. Nothing amazing, but whatever floats your boat. [I hope you are OK]

[8:58am]

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Throwing your money away like this isn't going to lead to an enlightened mind. Stay calm, spend wisely. Stop ruining the planet with your disposable items.

As I get ready to go out, I realise that I'm not ready for such a big step. I climb back under my covers and decide to wait things out a little longer. I'll go out tomorrow.

I'm still hyper about the concert, so don't expect to hear much about anything else over the next few days. Although the trip to The Hives' concert isn't far away! [I hope you are OK]

[12:35pm]

Friday, April 15, 2005

The facts are as follows; the streets are too dangerous, the people don't care about each other, we're all living in a glasshouse, love is the law.

Much as I'd like to stay the night and discuss matters of no property whatsoever, I'm afraid I must bid you farewell and walk home alone in the dark with nobody out there to help me.

Sunderland is the host city of a big Radio 1 event. One big weekend, featuring a lot of good bands and the occasional bad act. But it's a free festival. Just checked the listings, and there are some amazing acts there. The Futureheads, Interpol, Kaiser Chiefs, Kasabian. That's all I need. If I don't get tickets I may die. [I hope you are OK]

[2:17pm]

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Trying to hide in the shadows but they'll still have you cornered. Walk past lonely people in the street and they'd have a knife up against your throat before you got a chance to breathe.

In the middle of watching another television broadcast about something very familiar, there is a knock at my door and my first instinct is to ignore it. It's probably someone dangerous.

So I'm going to see several bands over the next two months. Maximo Park, British Sea Power and The Hives. Can't wait for all of those. As for today, I'm going to kick back with a handy pillow to hide behind as I watch the original version of The Grudge. [I hope you are OK]

[12:35pm]

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

You can't tell, you'll never tell what it is that makes us live. You won't tell, you'll never tell what it is that makes me small. [unless everything changes]

You founded your beliefs on the pain of others. Being brainwashed is only the beginning, the things that follow must never be revealed.

I spent a large amount of money yesterday (somewhere in the region of �140). But at least I got a lot of music and manga out of it. I'm listening to one of my new CDs now. Ah music, will you ever cease to keep me hanging on? [I hope you are OK]

[12:07pm]

Monday, April 11, 2005

I do believe in an acceptable existence free of this worry. However, it belongs to someone else, it shall never be in my hands. This worry shall surround me and devour me completely as other pedestrians stand and watch.

Never think about those things that make you feel small. Positivity is a possibility. To be truly honest with yourself, you should first start on your small flaws and work on them slowly.

I will be avoiding work on my first day back at uni to go to Newcastle instead. Good start to the last stretch of uni for me then. To be honest, I'm not doing that great again. I mean, I might still pass. If I'm lucky. [I hope you are OK]

[9:22am]

Saturday, April 9, 2005

I was eagerly awaiting a time that was never going to come. Every morning I woke up and checked the calander. Still not the day I was hoping for. Back to the window to await the next day, perhaps that would be my lucky day.

Build yourself an inner self that may not be perfect but will be enough to keep you stable amongst your friends and acquaintances until you get home to your bed and your alarm clock.

I ordered Love Hina volume 2 from someone on Amazon on Tuesday, it was meant to be sent on Wednesday. It is still not here, and it was sent within the UK. What I don't understand is how a CD from Hong Kong can arrive within one day, and something from the south of my country can't get here within 3 days. [I hope you are OK]

[12:01pm]

Friday, April 8, 2005

Tonight is when we'll meet in secret. In the dark we'll exchange glances and information, trying to figure each other out at the same time. Then after what seems like an eternity, we part company and the two shots can be heard echoing down the street. Goodnight.

Begin again loop the words over and listen to the same thing on tape day in day out lying to everyone to make them believe in a future that I don't think I have won't you listen won't you join me for a cup of tea won't you stay the night I can tell you everything I ever thought past present and then sleep sleep sleep.

I am now the proud owner of Radiohead's "Itch" EP. I must say it is, music-wise, about as average as Pablo Honey. But at the end of the day, it's Radiohead and it's a rarer EP than "My Iron Lung". When I have money, "Airbag" will be mine too. Still obsessed with Gorillaz. I need my fix, I haven't heard "Feel Good Inc." yet today. I'll rectify that when I get home. [I hope you are OK]

[10:58am]

Thursday, April 7, 2005

I wanna be driving down the highways of southern California. I wanna be driving a convertible and wearing the sunglasses and catching the sun. I wanna be seeing nothing but desert for miles and miles on the horizon. I wanna escape.

So much to do in so little time. Write this then write that. Read this and decide to never read it again. Enjoy the company of others for no longer than ten minutes a day. Sit bored and listen to that album yet again. But where is all this leading? Some new exciting frontier? Or more days of listlessness?

I've decided that I love telling people that Gorillaz are British. Many people don't seem to realise this fact. Well the creators are Brits anyway, I'm not sure about all the other members of the band behind the scenes. Also, I went out last night and had quite a few too many drinks. There was much hugging involved. [I hope you are OK]

[1:11pm]

Wednesday, April 6, 2005

I came so close to perfection, but once again my words were revealed and repealed. I cannot speak of that which has been taken away from me, suffice to say that they were words of the purest beauty.

The room gives me no peace of mind. It may be barricaded, but I know that somewhere out there is a force strong enough to break it down. All my true feelings will then be uncovered along with my frail form.

More music coming our way, another album from Weezer, for those of you who don't think Rivers lost his writing skill halfway through writing the Green Album. I'm willing to give this new stuff a chance. But to be honest, the first single "Beverly Hills" is nothing spectacular. Except for the guitar solo. [I hope you are OK]

[11:51am]

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Flinging yourself around and trying to form a decent opinion. You're flailing for an excuse to leave while we all sit and await your solution to all our problems, to settle all of our arguments.

I think it's time I walked away from this situation. It's really not helping my future prospects. But you hold me back, trying to convince me that living this way is the right way.

I'm ecstatic at the moment. I heard Gorillaz' new song and saw the new video yesterday. There was much jumping around the room and grinning like a freak involved. I await the album "Demon Days" eagerly. [I hope you are OK]

[2:20pm]

Monday, April 4, 2005

Is our world all about condemning the dead? Our opinions become dust as they become more one-sided and violent. It's this sort of talk that leads to war. The past is the past, the present is where our thoughts should be. And look at all that has happened.

I see that the clock is still ticking and I decide that no more drinks should be imbibed. I head over to the bedroom, woozy yet in control. It'll all start again tomorrow.

The Pope has died, but I'm sure you already knew that. I mourned for him, he did many a great thing during his papalcy. No ordinary Pope, despite what some people think of Catholicism. [I hope you are OK]

[11:15am]

Saturday, April 2, 2005

When I started finding daylight confusing, I knew that I would never be a walker of the normal streets again. The feel of the sun on my face feels somehow eerie now. I'm staying under my covers for the duration.

After one hour, the voices change and I am confronted by more than one decision to make. To choose one or to choose the other. The confusion becomes too much for me and I am forced into procrastination.

Well I got very drunk this morning. And my Azumanga Daioh soundtrack CD arrived. It's very good indeed. I also got a belt, finally. [I hope you are OK]

[2:42pm]

Friday, April 1, 2005

I have stood here staring at the wall for the past half hour. Something must happen eventually, there is no way I could be left like this forever. I'm sick of staring at the blank white wall, the details are vague.

I am rapidly running out of words. They are all slipping away from me one by one and eventually I will be speechless. But time keeps moving on, the illusion that we invented.

Another day of nothingness. All I have done today is got dressed and eaten food. Nothing else has happened at all. [I hope you are OK]

[2:39pm]

Thursday, March 31, 2005

I look over the side of the bridge. I've always wondered about how far down the water actually is. All you can ever see from here is darkness, whether it's day or night. I lose myself for a moment and slip over the edge. I am treated to a fall that lasts for well over five minutes. I close my eyes and think about this untimely end. I thought about all the time I'd wasted thinking about things that are not important. I open my eyes back up and find myself staring over the side of the bridge again. I shake my head and walk away.

Rushing through life as if I was always late for something. Growing old too fast, and dying inside too young. There must be something to keep me here, keep me focused on the present rather than the darkness of my future.

I spent most of today asleep and the time I was awake was spent doing even less than that. My life really doesn't have any substance at the minute. But I'm still coping with that fact very well. [I hope you are OK]

[6:42pm]

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Thanks to the floods, I am left stranded on the roof of a mansion. Curiosity soon gets the better of me, and I smash a skylight and peer inside. The water doesn't seem to have breached the walls, so I decide to have a look around. Every room is decorated exactly the same and the corridors only lead to more identical corridors. Confused, I head back to the skylight. I find that it has been replaced. Heading downstairs seems like the only idea at this point. I look down the stairs, and there is nothing but a fiery pit of what seems like eternal suffering. I shrug and go downstairs.

Words that can only gain you contempt. My words are all I have, but I don't use them as weapons, I use them as tools. To convey my feelings and to write inane things. Using words as weapons is how wars are started and how things never get solved.

Work last night was interesting. I had one too many glasses of wine and ended up getting into quite a bad mood with my mother. I feel bad about it now, but it seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. This isn't going to stop me drinking though. Maybe I have to learn to control my feelings. [I hope you are OK]

[1:28pm]

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

You want me to be thankful for your opinions, but to be honest I don't appreciate being told things I already know. My words are my own, you may have your own but do not twist mine. Do not misunderstand mine. And I continued to walk down the street, my back turned to everything.

The power surge lifts everything from the floor. I try to press down with all my might, trying to reinstate gravity, but my strength is not enough. As I reach the ceiling, I realise that this must signify something.

My second update, as promised. I guess I may have lost my temper slightly with someone trying to be clever. These are just words, don't take them seriously. And don't do the even worse thing and misunderstand them. Because then you'll just look moronic. [I hope you are OK]

[6:40pm]

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

A notable absence that nobody noticed. I tiptoed through the house and got to my room. I opened the door and lay my head down to sleep. Nobody noticed.

Time is an illusion, I like to say. But right now it is far too early in the morning for me to be staring at a screen this way. 1am, 2am, time keeps on and I will still be awake. Insomnia as a hobby.

Damn holidays. I may update twice today, it only seems fair. Then again, I may not. People might not notice. Normal service will now be resumed. [I hope you are OK]

[11:10am]

Saturday, March 25, 2005

Crushed under the weight of a thousand thoughts, I lie here contemplating my future. Where could I possibly go from here, now that my overbearing life has devoured me this way?

So there sit the dirty plates, I really should start cleaning up around the house. But since you left, nothing has really seemed to hold any worth. The plates will only be dirtied again, and my heart will only be shattered again.

I haven't been on the net much thanks to the Easter holidays. Personally I don't think I should be deprived internet privileges for a whole weekend and a Friday. And the upcoming Monday as well. To be honest not much has happened anyway. I will be working tomorrow night at my local cricket club again, and that's about it. I'll also be watching a lot of Buffy. [I hope you are OK]

[11:18pm]

Thursday, March 23, 2005

Thrown off course just ten minutes before landing. Being a pilot of small crafts seemed like such an easy job, but today has really opened my eyes. Stranded in the middle of the ocean, but at least I survived. Shark-infested waters, lethal jellyfish, endless miles of salty water below me. Maybe survival is only the first step.

Then suddenly all of the street lights blinked off. I was stood alone in complete darkness. Not the darkness of the moon, or the darkness of a room, but complete darkness. All I could see was black. And I swore I heard footsteps. I glance around, then realise how pointless that is. I crouch down, then lie down, then curl up into a defensive ball. Then the lights blink back on and there are people staring at me, wondering what the hell it is that I am doing.

Second entry of the day. To make up for the lack of one yesterday. I haven't really got much new to say. Other than Interpol's new video is amazing. The next single will be C'Mere. I will now return to staring in awe at the amazing talents of some DeviantART anime artists. Oh, and you may notice a slight change in the way my entries are written now. No "Today=" anymore. I grew tired of that little gimmick. [I hope you are OK]

[6:27pm]

Thursday, March 23, 2005

Bereaved of my feelings, I walk on and begin to find out more about myself. How empty I was for all of those years. The people I pushed aside, the people I lost contact with, the times I seemed so distant despite being in the same room. And to be honest, I don't regret the way I lived.

Just then the world stops spinning just as I'm making my first cup of coffee on a Tuesday morning. I look out of the window, and everything has most definitely stopped. Nothing is moving. I sit around for what seems like hours, and the sun is hanging there, stuck at 8:37am. I wander around outside for a while, but all of the frozen people do not react much to my greetings. Seems like I'm an individual in this case. I return home, get bored, and turn the TV on to watch the news loop that is telling us all about it.

I don't know how I managed to forget to update my site yesterday. I was definitely sat at a PC between at least 10 and 11pm last night at a friend's house. I guess it slipped my mind. Good to see Ste holding out an olive branch to Lucas, I hope that he accepts it and ceases argument. On a side note that I forgot to mention 11 days ago, The Bends was officially ten years old 11 days ago! [I hope you are OK]

[3:05pm]

Tuesday, March 21, 2005

The line never shortens, in fact it grows longer. The person at the head of the queue is not asking any questions, he is merely staring at the wall. He will not move, and will not be moved. The true meaning of standing still.

They followed me all the way home. I was confused. I locked my door and peered out of the window. They were all there, staring at my door. They're still there, and it's a year later. Fortuanately I have a large supply of canned goods.

Today = Understandably tense. I'm always like this when I have a "job" to go to. I mean, all I'll be doing is serving people drinks all night, but still I'm really nervous about it. Think of the money, think of the money. [I hope you are OK]

[6:39pm]

Monday, March 20, 2005

The whole world is hanging on one thread. This thread of fate. It gets thinner by the day, we can all see it fray. And as soon as it snaps, the world will collapse. Hold your breath, hold your breath, we're all in suspense. Or suspended animation.

A reflection stares back at me, blankly. I search for the answers at the back of my mirror image, but I get no reply, all I can do is keep asking my questions until I figure them out. This can't be one big unsolvable puzzle. There must be a solution to my riddle.

Today = Musical. Since I downloaded a load of songs at my friend's house last night, it's been hard to not write some tunes. Nothing huge, just some little things. I certainly have heard a lot of fresh bands over the last day. Some aren't so new, but they are new to me. However, despite all of this discovery, an album lent to me by the friend in question has definitely been the best listen. All bets are off, The Kaiser Chiefs album is genius and fantastic. Buy it now, or forever regret not owning it. I've been writing a lot of 16 line songs lately, and there's three of them in the usual place. Trespassers will be haunted. [I hope you are OK]

[6:30pm]

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Pieces of bone that are alive bleach themselves in the burning sun, and the sand seems to stretch out much further than the imagination can muster. But my imagination runs on and on. Beyond those dunes, perhaps there is civilisation, finally. Maybe there is an abandoned well, or perhaps there are just more bones, bones that crawl towards me in the way that only bones can.

I long for a day when I can feel like I did that day. Since then, things have seemed like a bad photocopy. An imitation of life, but not in the sense that you're thinking. An imitation of a life that I don't want to live. But I march on, trying not to trip on the cracks or get lost in the dark.

Today = Lost. Well, not so much lost as at a loss for things to say. It's one of those days where not much happens, I'm sure you've all had one the same, and if not, you're bound to have one someday. All that's happened is that I saw The Incredibles last night and thoroughly enjoyed what I could hear of it (my dad grumbled all the way through, complaining that I'd rented a "bloody cartoon for kids"). Today I watched Falling Down again and Kill Bill Volume I again. With my dad, since he insisted on me keeping him company. He uses psychology to get me to do that, he plays the old guilt card on me. Hence the reason my day has had no excitment. [I hope you are OK]

[3:35pm]

Friday, March 18, 2005

As the glass shatters, they all take cover. The shards cutting into their backs and the tops of their hands that are clutching desperately at their heads. Should violence really be treated with more violence? There's blood on their suits and nobody seems to care.

When time is an illusion, then the world will become a mere fabrication. After a night of writing witty thoughts such as these, I laid my head back onto my pillow and attempted sleep. It seems to be such an impossible task lately, the last few weeks being but a blur to my insomniac eyes. Then I hear it, the creaking from underneath my floorboards. What is it that keeps me awake at night?

Today = Home. Back in Bishop again. For the Easter holidays. All three weeks of them. One week more than last year. Apparently, the holidays started late last year. One extra week. I'm not complaining, it's just a shame I don't have any money to go drinking in my local with. I'll feel alienated. [I hope you are OK]

[6:44pm]

Thursday, March 17, 2005

So this was all a test? To see who I really was? Well am I meant to be happy that I've passed? Or have I passed? You tell me what I am and am not, but to be honest, I still don't understand myself, so how can anyone else?

During a casual night out with a friend, he discloses some information concerning him being a soul eating demon. I scoff at his attempt to shock me, and continue to drink. He tells me to stop and look at him. So I do. He opens his mouth and inhales for what seems like ten seconds. As each second passes, I feel myself emptied of everything. Feelings, thoughts, emotions. Then he closes his mouth and asks how I feel. I reply that since he has just proved me wrong, it would only be fair if I got the rest of the drinks in.

Today = Signing things. Well today I signed the contract that will mean I will be living with my friends next year. The ones I was meant to be living with this year, but they picked someone else. Turns out he was the wrong person and they should have picked me in the first place. Needless to say, I had the last laugh. Obscure comedy reference for you there. Have a fine St. Patrick's Day. [I hope you are OK]

[6:27pm]

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

We're all being watched by someone, nobody is ever alone. No matter how you try, no matter how you hide, they will be waiting in the shadows to jump out at you.

Although we may indeed have walked along this road in the right direction for many miles, it still feels like we're going in the wrong direction. The road set for us seems to be just the one they want us to take. What if turn at the next crossing, we could stump them and lead a different life than they want us to.

Today = Working. I finished an essay. I'm pretty proud of myself. Now if only I had the confidence to pass everything else. Well, the certain unpleasant person who has graced my guestbook lately has allegedly left, but if he returns we won't lose our tempers with him. I don't know what his goal or aim was exactly, but it involved messing around with our feelings and tempers, and that's not something I enjoy. I don't like people pushing me over the edge for no reason. [I hope you are OK]

[1:46pm]

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

You like to believe that I know nothing, but I do more than sit around my house alone staring at the walls. That's what you like to believe I do. You like to believe you are better than me, when really we are just the same. Equal rights are due for us all.

But there is more to be told, and more to think about. This isn't the end, you cannot leave yet. Besides, I've locked the door. We're going to thrash all of this out, and by the end of the night, one of us will be drained.

Today = Trying not to be offended. I am a very patient person. I tend not to lose my temper very often. I believe the word I'm looking for is placid. But when people lash out at me and my friends for no apparent reason other than a little bit of debate, I find it hard to control myself. Fortuanately, I have. People have the right to free speech and I'm not going to try and censor anyone, it's not in my nature. Actually, bands do fill the chasm in my sad, boring little life. It's what I live for, and no arrogant little prick is going to talk me out of that. There, no censoring, I said what I wanted and let you say what you want. I really hope that you decide to show a little fucking courtesy next time you appear. If you ever do, that is. [I hope you are OK]

[4:33pm]

Monday, March 14, 2005

I was caught off guard by something. I lost my footing and slipped all the way down what seemed to be a hill. Bouncing off rocks and crunching against low branches, I eventually came to a stop. I looked up and saw that I had indeed fallen off the end of the world.

I was invited to a party at a friend's house, and when I arrived it seemed like everybody was hollow in some way. Nobody spoke except to make puerile comments about inane things. The party was, predictably, very uneventful.

Today = Tuckered out. So much coach travelling can really leave you out of energy. But it was worth the long trips, because Bright Eyes were amazing. Here's my review. First came Rilo Kiley, and if their recorded music was anything to go by, this was going to be a treat. I was right. They opened with their next single, "It's A Hit", a scathing sarcastic song aimed right at American society, and then rattled off a list of brilliant tunes, ranging from the bouncy to the downright bluesy. Amazing act. Then Conor walked onto the stage to much apprecation, and Bright Eyes began. I was entranced from the beginning to the end, and once again I was convinced of Bright Eyes' all-conquering brilliance. So there you have it, a brilliant gig. Now I'm going to go home and sleep. [I hope you are OK]

[6:02pm]

Friday, March 11, 2005

Underneath all of this, the carpet and the floorboards, lies darker secrets than you could have imagined possible. Ultimate darkness, the unavoidable horror that we all hold inside. Nobody likes to be left in the dark, in any sense of the word. Long alleyways holding things we'd rather not know about, but we walk down them anyway. Looking back every two seconds, not thinking that the horror may be in front of us.

Underneath all of this, my eyes and my staring face, is nothing. A hollow mind, a hollow thought, my hollow life. Don't try to understand what I mean, take it in, swallow it and then come back even stronger and take me down, kick me down and prove me wrong.

Today = Failing. I didn't do the essay. I couldn't, it was too hard, and I hadn't listened enough in lectures to know what to do. I am fully responsible for this failure. Don't know what I'm going to do, I'm sure by the time the refferation date comes around, I'll know what to do. Hopefully. Although I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't. There may not be an update tomorrow and there definitely won't be one on Sunday. Bright Eyes are calling tomorrow night in Manchester. See you on the other side. [I hope you are OK]

[1:01pm]

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Shadows in the dark, they flicker as if there is a light reflecting on them. They will always be there, awaiting the sun's first rays. Then they will leap about and stain the walls.

The society demands nothing more of us. We are a spent luxury, no more time needs to be spent on us. I'm up too early for this kind of thinking, I'll be up too late to think clearly any other time.

Today = Up and about. I was out of bed by 8:30 this morning. I'm even impressed. I came here early to do my essay, but unfortuanately I'm still clueless about it. I don't know where to start or what to write. I can't see me passing this module, which is a shame, as it is a core module and has to be passed to pass the year. I'm getting sinking feelings about my intelligence when it comes to noun phrases. Also, I had to clear out the guestbook as it was too full. So a brand new start there now. [I hope you are OK]

[9:51am]

Wednesday, March 9, 2005

Tripping over things that aren't there. Cracks in the smooth pavement, the kerb that isn't as high as my foot makes it out to be and the frsh air full of litter. I can find danger in every step.

Painting everything white. No tints of any other colour. Everything needs to look sterile, forcing blandness onto everyone. It will keep people repressed, stint the imagination. We cannot have any free thinkers.

Today = Stumped. I have an essay due tomorrow. And I don't have a clue what to do. The particular module it is due for is one of particular difficulty. But I hope that when I sit down to do it tomorrow, lots of words will just come out and I will pass somehow. That's what I usually do. [I hope you are OK]

[7:20pm]

Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Trying everything to be non-existent. But all this causes is more problems and a lack of security. Existence is forced upon us all, how we all cope with it is another matter entirely. Freedom of speech gets us nowhere.

No matter what light we are in, the scenery looks the same. The same old streets, same old signs, same old people. Everything stays the same, nothing ever changes. Refurbishment is a waste of time.

Today = Getting sorted. Unfortuanately, I'm not getting sorted for uni, I'm getting sorted for going to see Bright Eyes on Saturday. I'll be in Preston until Monday, which means I'll miss all my lectures next week too. My essay deadline looms closer, I hope to get it done tomorrow, but on the whole I'm clueless. I need something to keep me going, something to keep me busy that I know will get me somewhere. [I hope you are OK]

[1:54pm]

Monday, March 7, 2005

He learns a new word evry day. Towards more picturesque speech. No matter what he learns, no matter how much he tries to change himself, he'll be the same person to us all. Isn't this true? He'll always be looked down upon, feel insecure and cry alone at night, no matter how much he learns or what he becomes.

The last penny bought us our last luxury. The thing is, we never even had a penny. So what we have now is nothing. Ending like this is not what either of us wanted, a bigger budget may have suited us better.

Today = Annoyed. At myself, mostly. I didn't go to any lectures today. And considering that all of my lectures are on a Monday, it's safe to say that I won't do any studying this week. I have got an essay to hand in on Thursday, and that will be handed in. On Wednesday, if I can. It is an essay about something I'm clueless about, but I can only try. I need to pass this year, why can't my brain comprehend that fact. I think I hold a subconscious desire to fail. I don't know why though. [I hope you are OK]

[3:32pm]

Saturday, March 5, 2005

Think back into the past. Pass by all of the haze and come to a solid memory. These are the memories that even I will soon have lost. I will no longer know what happened that day, or that day, or that day. I am being erased, as are all of you.

Getting settled into a new routine, a new mould. There's blood in the food, there's nothing that makes us more human than a craving for hygiene. Leave me be, leave me in my new rut, I just finished digging.

Today = Scared. It's been a long time since a movie sent a shiver down my spine. I think Blair Witch 2 was the last movie to do that. Despite being really different and having a huge budget, it still held an element of mind-buggery that I really enjoy. Well I watched the remake of The Grudge last night and I was terrified. Raimi did good here, especially by hiring all of the original crew and getting the same director in. It was only slightly Americanised and stayed true to the original. Really scary stuff. And in other news, no more lyrics after entries. [I hope you are OK]

[3:39pm]

Friday, March 4, 2005

The change happens so suddenly that it catches you off guard. You stumble and fall, but don't feel any pain. This must be death.

There is nothing that can be done for me now. Cover me up and leave me lying there so pale. Whenever something changes, you change with it. The world has begun to change.

Today = Remodelling. Well, here we are. A brand new empty page to fill. I haven't deleted all of my old entries though, heaven forbid. I've merely moved them to a safer place. They have been evacuated because they were in danger of being discovered. So I hide again, harder to find this time. [I hope you are OK]

"me and a couple of old school friends well we're going out to drink, you can come along but leave your girl at home it'll give you time to think"

[1:33pm]